November 26, 2009

ELIZABETH ROSE

“As she has planted, so does she harvest; such is the field of karma.”  – Sri Guru Granth Sahib

Readers, I am concerned. I am perplexed, worried and even somewhat fraught. I was being self reflective this weekend past - (okay I was hung over and watching reruns of CSI – the Vegas one, not Miami) and I realised that my recent run of luck with male specimens has been less than favourable.

I’m not going to recruit you into my belief system (beyond the creed of “One more for the road”) but I do believe the world is intrinsically fair and in a form of karma. So on that basis – why am I having such a terrible run of cock? Let’s review the evidence…

1. I ran out – the entire city of London and apparently I was running into past rejects.
2. I was in a drought and drove up the price of batteries for the province of Ontario.
3. I wasn’t allowed to view his member – popular opinion that he was too small.
4. I was terrified on Halloween by one so small and so very cheesy.
5. I was surprised by an encounter with a hairy shaft (though otherwise excellent, but still gave me pause).
6. And this weekend, I didn’t even get to review as I was shockingly abandoned for a meat pie!

Where has this ill favour come from? Based on the core pillars of karma and neatly outlined by Sri Guru Granth Sahib above (I don’t know who this is either, but it sounded good) I would be deserving of this harvest through my own actions.

Readers, I appeal to you as witnesses and as a jury of my peers! I am very nice to every cock I get my hands (or lips) on. Even a cheese encrusted minature – I take on risk of infection to complete the task ‘in hand’.

So why is my knob karma currently so poor?

What have I done to bring this upon myself?

How can I remedy this to return to the smooth, girthy perfection that I dream of?

Perhaps an exorcism is in order – but how would one perform such a feat? I can’t even begin to imagine – if it is necessary for me to behave differently than I have been in recent weeks to reverse this fortune, should I be seeking out anal? Or is it required for me to strap one on and ‘peg’ the next owner of a VSD I come across?

I am hurt that some force in the Universe has chosen to single me out for such treatment by the male member, based on the benevolence I bestow upon those who seek me out I should be crowned their Queen.

There must be something else.

I did begin to wonder if perhaps my disclosures are breaking some unspoken masonic code not to tell on their secrets, but I hope that isn’t true as I would be forced to either abandon my post here or leave cock behind altogether and write to you on my lesbian experiences. Since I enjoy telling my chronicles of cock almost as much as I enjoy the organ itself, I don’t wish to give up either of these things.

(And I really, really like cock)

But, what if this isn’t a punishment? What if I am being conditioned by these universal forces by being offered comparative data? I have had a run of bad luck beyond a normal statistical spread. I am considering this may be to encourage me to truly appreciate the value in a man’s nether regions. So that when I am offered the opportunity of truly excellent penis, I will grasp it (the opportunity and the penis) with both hands.

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