December 8, 2009

SAM SHARPE

There are three kinds of women:

1. Those who can’t have casual sexual relationships with men

2. Those who think they can have casual sexual relationships with men (but can’t)

3. Lesbians

Okay, I’m just joking about that list but really my point is that 40 or 50 years after the introduction of the birth control pill and the accompanying talk of female sexual liberation; of women being able to approach their sexual pleasure on equal terms with men, the day in and day out reality is that most women just can’t do it. And by do it, I mean have an ongoing no strings attached sexual relationship with a man.

I think one of the reasons for this is the ongoing fetishization of the monogamous relationship in our society. We live in a world that places monogamous relationships on some sort of pedestal. If sexual/romantic relationships were an Olympic sport the medal podium would have “exclusive” relationships in the bronze medal position with engaged couples on the silver position. And not only would marriage be in the gold medal position, it would win gold in world record shattering Usain Bolt like fashion. Where would casual relationships fit? Hell, they’d be disqualified from competition.

It also seems as if this monogamy worship is particularly potent for women. How else do you explain my experience with Jenna? As I mentioned before in “The Lost and Found” I’m very honest with women about my stance on relationships. So, when ladies sign up for a cruise on the good ship Sam Sharpe, I’m somewhat bemused when they complain that they didn’t really believe it when the travel brochure said the ship might sail into harbours not presently on the itinerary.

Anyway, I met Jenna about 6 months after my most recent relationship ended. Jenna too, had just come out of a relationship. On our first date I told her in no uncertain terms what I was looking for. Jenna claimed to be looking for the same thing. Like me, Jenna was focused on other areas of her life and just wanted someone reliable, safe and fun to spend some time with, without some of the pressures and headaches that come with monogamous relationships. Everything was running smoothly. Once every week or two we’d spend an evening together. This might include dinner, or a movie and would always end in sex. We’d go our separate ways and would only converse when we were planning our next “date”.

Soon enough Jenna’s friends started telling her that maybe I was using her. Or they said that we were spending too much time together for a “non couple”. Or that we were too old for casual dating. According to them, we needed to decide whether or not to do something more “meaningful”. (At a cocktail party one evening, one of Jenna’s friends cornered me for 15 minutes and angrily launched into a tirade that can only be summarized as “If you like it, then you should put a ring on it.” That sound you hear is me giving a big F U to Beyonce).

Now friends, what I didn’t tell you is that Jenna repeatedly and explicitly expressed to me that:

1. She’s not sure she ever wants to get married
2. She does not think I’m relationship material
3. She is so busy with her career that though I may not be Mr. Right, I am Mr. Right Now precisely because there is no pressure on this relationship to be anything….but…casual.

So you can imagine my shock when Jenna called me up one evening unexpectedly and said that she was in the neighbourhood and was wondering if we could meet up “just to talk”. I’m not an idiot and a part of me suspected that this was going to be one of those “where do we stand” conversations. But I convinced myself this couldn’t possibly be the case because Jenna knew the score. In fact she tallied at least half the points.

So there we were, on a cool summer evening sipping drinks on the patio of my favourite neighbourhood watering hole. Jenna jumped right in and started blabbing neurotically about how she’s been thinking and thinking about us and how much time we spend together and how much fun we have when we spend the time together and maybe this should be something more and on and on and on it went.

How did I react? I didn’t get all worked up. I didn’t mention that she knew what she was signing up for (I might be a bastard, but I can be sensitive too). I simply asked Jenna what she wanted; did she in fact want to be in a committed relationship with me (or with anyone else for that matter)?

Jenna said “No”

Why then are we having this conversation?

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it and you know maybe that’s what we should be doing and well, y’know my friends think that we, that I, that…maybe we’d be or I’d be happier if we just…dated or something or….well, they think our relationship is just strange….We sleep together, we go out sometimes and well, that’s just not normal”.

So, I don’t know if you’re still following but, Jenna knows she doesn’t want a committed relationship with me or anyone, enjoys the arrangement we have and is having this conversation with me in large part because of societal expectations combined with the influence and expectations of her friends (who are all single I might add).

People, just why do we think (and by we I really mean all of you) committed long-term relationships are some kind of panacea? Ask Elin Woods, Ms. Juanita Vanoy Jordan, Hilary Clinton, and Kathleen Edwards if it’s some kind of Holy Grail. These aforementioned ladies signed up for relationships and got a whole host of things they didn’t bargain for. But people like me who clearly negotiate the terms and boundaries of our relationships (and meet those terms I might add) are scorned because they don’t measure up to some societal standard. Puh-leeze.

Anyway, Jenna and I stopped “seeing” each other. Several months passed. I sailed my ship into different ports. I assumed Jenna was doing the same or maybe had replaced Mr. Right Now with Mr. Right. Then one rainy evening my phone rang. It was Jenna. She was in my neighbourhood and wanted to know if she could drop by. Did I mention that the good ship Sam Sharpe doesn’t ever leave a passenger stranded?

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