February 23, 2010

SKYE BLUE

A blast from my less than stellar relationship past…

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‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ my boyfriend Tim says, as he and two of his boys head to the bar to get drinks.

‘I’ll be here,’ I say in response, hoping C doesn’t notice that my eyes are trailing Jeff, Tim’s best friend, as they walk away. Alas, my efforts to hide my desire are futile.

C slaps my arm to get my attention. ‘Wow, Skye, shit with you and Tim must be rough.  Don’t think for a minute I’ve missed the way you’ve been eyeballin’ his boy,’ she says, giving me a hard side eye.

‘Whatever C,’ I say, trying to sound incredulous as I shake my head.

But she just laughs.  ‘You can whatever me all you want, but I ain’t blind. You hot for Jeff and you know it,’ she says, emphatically. ‘So, when you going to be honest with yourself and your man, and admit that your relationship is over?’

I roll my eyes at her and turn away as if to say she is talking crazy, but I she’s right. I know my days with Tim are numbered, because I’ve started to look at other man again – not as bits of eye candy, but as potential men to date – and Jeff is high on the list. Any time he’s around, I find myself wishing he was the man I was with – which I recognize is really fucked up (to put it lightly).

The funny thing is I can’t put my finger on what has shifted in our relationship, or more importantly in my brain, to change the way I feel about Tim. Yes, the excitement and passion of our once nascent romance has all but disappeared, but he is a good dude and we get along really well. There is absolutely no good reason (as far as I can tell) for my mind and heart to be drifting away from him, but it seems there was nothing I can do to turn things around. Surveying the landscape for any available ‘talent’ and eye-raping Jeff whenever I seem him have officially become habits. Ones I can’t quit.

‘Wanna dance?’ Tim asks, his voice bringing me back into the room.

I look up at him as he sips his beer, willing myself not to let my gaze fall upon Jeff’s face, who is standing just to his right. ‘Sure,’ I say, taking his hand and leading him onto the crowded dance floor.

As he wraps his arms around me and we begin to move in time to the music, all I can think is:

How do even begin explain to you that I need to end this, for no good reason?

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