Ok, seriously though, and on a totally unrelated point…was Mindy right? Was the guy’s friend gay?? This has NOTHING to do with me agreeing with her *looks around nervously* I’m just wondering…

But I think the big misconceptions about men and their feelings come from men and the BS that they tell women not only about their unwillingness to express their feelings but about their inability to feel these feelings. Also, men often say that women are spastic or overly emotional in situations where we believe it’s perfectly normal and rational to express deep feelings in a passionate way. This further perpetuates the idea that men are an inferior being when it comes to the concept of emotion expression.

There is some truth to the idea that men do not as regularly or effectively communicate their emotions, and this is primarily because not only are they socialized to be this way, but because they actually experience emotions entirely differently than women do. Men want to deal with it alone: women want to share. Men experience intense negative emotions and strive to find something else to take their minds off of it…and can “get over it” much more quickly. Or so it seems. Men are just better able to push them to the back corner of their minds to deal with it on their own and “fix” the issue within themselves.

Women, on the other hand, when confronted with such emotions feel that they are all encompassing, and rather than trying to distract themselves, they recognize that these feelings revolve around important issues and therefore need to be dealt with. But women prefer to deal with the issue immediately as they are not as good at pushing the issue to the back of their minds to deal with later and alone…primarily because women prefer to deal with emotions that stem from interpersonal relationships in an interpersonal way.

I think what needs to happen is that men need to learn how to stop downplaying their emotions so women stop getting the wrong impression. And women need to stop thinking that just because somebody doesn’t choose to be vocal about their emotions, it does NOT mean that their feelings aren’t there, or equally as strong as hers. I personally don’t know of any women who have taken all this to mean that whatever emotions a man has are not important…in fact I have found in my experience the women I do know and myself practically harass a man at the first sign of some type of emotion as we are desperate to connect and share with him… but if thats the case for any woman out there I’m sorry but IMO thats disgusting. And ignorant.

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This equation is simple. All people have feelings. All men are people. Therefore, all men have feelings. The level they have been equipped to express their feelings is relative to culture and upbringing, and every time a woman questions the sexual preference of a man who has this capacity she is contributing to the stereotype.
JFB

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I think men try too hard to appear like they don’t have feelings, because it’s perceived as “unmanly”. A friend of mine recently told me that in 18 years, she has never seen her husband cry even once. I didn’t find this strange at all. I’ve only seen my own husband cry once or twice, and never seen my dad cry ever, or either of my brothers since they became adults. Do I think they sometimes want to cry? Of course. Have they conditioned themselves NOT to cry and appear unmasculine? Probably.

As far as the scrapbook….that’s not even something I would do for a friend, but I don’t think many guys enjoy scrapbooking, even the gay ones. No explanation for that one.

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Love the discussion this topic is generating.

@ Classic Ruby – mum’s the word on the sexual orientation of Vic’s friend – left that detail out on purpose. Can tell you thought about your response, so wanted to respond with my thoughts/questions on what you said. Here goes…

1. You characterized men’s “unwillingness to express and inability to feel their feelings as BS” and I’m wondering why. It seems to me that being unwilling or unable to express emotions would be a natural outgrowth of living in a culture, if not a world, where being an emotionally expressive man makes you less masculine or even suspect.

2. Re the socialization – I hear you on the bit about men being socialized to deal with things on their own and women being socialized to share more openly, however you lost me on the part about men not “effectively” communicating their emotions. I’m left wondering effectively by whose standards?

I’m assuming the answer is women’s and that effective communication = direct verbal communication. If so, is that the only way to express one’s emotions? I for one, think that non-verbal communication can be just as effective. Take my story about my cousin’s fiancé for example. Everything he was going through physically and mentally should have communicated to his wife to be that he was filled with angst at the prospect of being married. Unfortunately for him she wasn’t trying to notice.

3. As far as men being inclined to distract themselves from what they are feeling vs. women dealing head on, I wholeheartedly disagree with this one. How many women ‘distract’ themselves from what they’re feeling about a situation by eating, shopping, f*cking, etc – even after they’ve spent hours talking to someone about their problem? Biology aside, none of us enjoy being bogged down by heavy or painful emotions.

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@ jackie – concise and insightful as always.

@ Auntie Juicebox – LMAO. I’m not down with scrapbooking either, but loved the sentiment of the gift.

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I have always been with men who have expressed and communicated their feelings much better than I was able to. And they weren’t just goofy artist types. There have been all kinds. So, I don’t know what that’s all about I just know that there are plenty of REAL men out ther who express openly and honestly and they’re STRAIGHT!

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@ UnblondeBomb – AMEN!

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Yeahhhh. As unfair as it may be, I would have a tendency to think the guy was gay for making a scrapbook. Either gay or a wimp. I’m ashamed to say that. As I was reading, I kept hoping a more open-minded side of me would rear up and defend this man who made the scrapbook…but it didn’t.

However. I thought about it a little more. This is probably something my boyfriend would do for his best friend, and my boyfriend isn’t gay or wimpy. He’s just alot more sensitive than most men I’ve ever known. I could totally see him making a scrapbook. So really, I think you have to consider who the guys are and know their relationship to make a judgment call.

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@ Cheeto – It’s funny you say that. I was talking to one of my male friend’s about it and he thought the guy was suspect too. Then he acknowledged that if one of his boys, particularly the few he has known since childhood, did that for him he wouldn’t think twice. So what you say about considering who the guy is and the type of friendships he has really rings true.

Nevertheless, the initial reaction of you, Mindy and my male friend just goes to show you how ingrained and limited our (that would be society’s – for the record I probably would have had the same reaction if I heard the story from someone else) beliefs about what ‘manly’ (as in straight male) behaviour is.

I guess we’ve all got a long way to go.

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I’m picking up from what Classic Ruby said about men wanting to deal with their feelings alone and men not wanting to share. From my experience men DO want to share. The timing of expressing those feeling is just different. A woman wants to share those feelings and tend to let it be known right as their having those feelings whereas men tend to take those feelings away, give it a once over, understand what it is they are feeling and then try to express/share those feelings to their SO. I know in my past I’ve tried to express my feelings only to be told that what I’m feeling is wrong – how can she know what I’M FEELING is wrong – asked how could I feel that way, or interrupted and told “I don’t want to hear this anymore.” Only to then have a later discussion where my SO says “well, my friend so and so said you’re feeling this way because…”

I think what’s needed is for both partners to listen at the time their SO’s feelings are being expressed. It all goes back to communicating – listening and talking to each other – as well as understanding how your SO communicates.

BTW: Scrapbooking is hella fun.

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@ Vitamin-S – “I don’t want to hear this anymore.” – I could have used this one in my list of things a woman shouldn’t say when a man opens up – damn!

Re the communication thing – your advice to ‘just listen at the time your SO’s feelings are being expressed’ makes it seem so simple, but i think most of us have a hard time putting that idea into action.

i know i tend to be a “tell me what your feeling now” type of person, and only now in my ‘old age’ have i started to mellow on that. that said, i imagine it must be hard for men, who need to process their own stuff, to listen to a women in the midst of her own feelings.

i guess that’s why couples who really communicate well are few and far between?

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