March 16, 2010

SAM SHARPE

The fantasy goes a little something like this: I’ve just found out that I’ve won the lottery. I go to work, sit down at my desk and fire up the old desktop. Just like every other mind-numbing day, I shoot the shit with my co-workers and we laugh at each other’s stale jokes. At 9:30am, when I know LT, my supervisor is firmly ensconced at her desk with her triple apple caramel soy chai latte; I enter her office, unzip my fly, unfurl my flag and with all the patriotism I can muster say the following:

“This is my two weeks notice. Care to bend over your desk so you can give me my final performance review?”

Of course she says yes and we spend the better part of the morning “rogering” this and “over and outing” that. It’s just a pipe dream, a silly and juvenile fantasy. But the way she sashays around the office, the manner in which her rounded, full hips fill out her jeans and scream “I’m a mother of three, but I’m still sexy goddamnit!” is the stuff of which daydreams are made.

This little fantasy of mine would appear to lend credence to the belief that men think about sex all the time. Some researchers say that we think about sex every seven seconds. Other say  52 seconds. Either way. Bullshit. We all know that right? Listen, any man who has a job that requires any type of brain function cannot be thinking about sex that frequently. (Planes would never land safely because air traffic controllers would be too busy thinking about boobs and the TTC would never run on time because…oh wait, bad example.)

Even if you believe us all to be Neanderthals, it’s not possible for us to always have sex on the brain. If it were, where would we find the time to think about all the other things you women accuse of us thinking about. Jobs? Cars? Sports? Money? Who has the time, we’re too busy thinking about sex right?

Hell even the chronic, hairy-palmed masturbators among us need to take some time to think about what to eat after their exertion. (Sidebar: Is there any better case of self-fulfilling prophecy than a woman refusing to have sex with her partner then angrily telling her friends she’s stuck with this “jerk-off”). It’s all reductionist bullshit that helps sell books and helps your lot feel like you can assume some moral high ground.

Anyway, how is this stuff measured? What constitutes a sexual thought? Me, imagining bending my supervisor over her desk and giving her my own performance review? Yeah, clearly a sexual thought. Telling a coworker that red is a good colour on her ? Not so much. If Skye looks at a man and thinks, “he’s going to be the father of my children someday” does that count? That is a sexual thought ain’t it?

It’s all pretty murky. But here are a few things we do know about sex:

1.   It relieves stress

2.   It boosts immunity

3.   Sex burns calories…

4.   …and lowers your cholesterol

5.   It improves cardiovascular health

6.   Sex boosts self esteem

7.   Sex improves intimacy (and since we’re being reductionist, we all know how much you women love intimacy)

8.   Sex reduces and/or relieves pain (so clearly the whole “I can’t because my head hurts” excuse is bullshit. Let me once again reference the greatness that is Peaches and implore you to ‘Fuck The Pain Away‘)

9.   Sex reduces prostate cancer risk (so clearly if you love your man and care about his health, and ladies I know you do, you’ll fuck him often)

10.  Sex helps you sleep (Oh, you’re tired. Had a long day at the office? Want some sleep? Well then, let me put you to bed.)

That’s just a partial list. Now, my ramblings today may have only reinforced the idea that we men think about sex all the time. And women don’t. I don’t think it’s that simple. But if it were, keeping in mind all the obvious benefits of regular sexual action listed above (and here), the question isn’t why do men think about sex so often. The question is, ladies, why don’t you?

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