March 22, 2010

SAM SHARPE

“Does this outfit make me look fat?”

I am one of the few fools men in this world who answers this question honestly. Every time. Not some of the time. Every time (I don’t recommend this course of action to most men). I may try to soften the language depending on circumstance, but generally speaking you get the straight goods from me. If you shouldn’t be wearing that pantsuit, I will tell you. Why am I bringing this up? Well ladies, because I’m going to tell you something else you’re not going to like. Something you won’t want to hear. But it’s the truth. And if you care even the slightest about what really makes your man tick, you will listen carefully…

Here goes.

Ladies, if you find out that your honest to goodness, genuinely committed to making this work and the only man for you boyfriend/husband/partner is cheating, don’t just point the finger. Take a look at yourself. Don’t ask “How could HE do this to me?” ask, “How did WE get here?”

Now, I’m not saying that it’s your fault. I’m not saying that he is not responsible. But a man who is committed to his monogamous relationship does not decide to stray on a whim. Or just for sex. Or rather I should say that a man who steps outside of his relationship for sex, is using the sex to replace something else that is missing.

I’m the only single man among my main crew. My boys are all married or in serious relationships. When we were all single, getting together for drinks or a night on the town was always the most fun I could ever have. Now, boys night out consists of me listening to them bray like donkeys about the difficulties of marriage/relationships, of feeling unappreciated, feeling unloved. Or not feeling wanted. In the Power of Five, I told you that when a man is being fucked and fed regularly he feels like the king of the world and he will do anything for his woman. Anything.

But the flipside is that if he’s not getting fucked and fed, at the very least he assaults the ears of his friends (that would be people like me) with his complaints. Or he finds himself in the arms of a woman who will fuck him and feed him (he might find her here or here).

You may think I’m trying to excuse the piggish behaviour of men. I’m not. They are responsible for their actions. And whenever my married or attached friends complain about their wives/girlfriends I ask them if they are holding up their end. I ask them if they are doing their part to nurture the relationship and get the love they desire (see Power of Five pt. 2).

What I’m trying to tell you is that men do not want flowers (although I can’t see why women don’t give men flowers. One enterprising young lady showed up at my doorstep with flowers and it made me feel extra shiny). Men don’t really care for Valentine’s Day chocolate. They don’t yearn to hear you laud his ability to dominate all comers in Guitar Hero. He doesn’t necessarily need you to tell him how good he looks in that suit. What he needs you to do is fuck him.

Because by fucking him you tell him that he’s special (flowers), by blowing him you tell him that you care (chocolate), by jerking him off you tell him how capable you think he is (complimenting him) and by providing languorous, sensuous morning sex you let him know how irresistible you find him (telling him how good he looks in that suit).

This is common sense. Relationships are living and breathing organisms that need to be nurtured. In the case of your relationship with your man, part of the nurturing requires you to fuck him and fuck him on time. Don’t believe me? Fine. Think I’m an asshole? That’s ok. Just know that somewhere out there is a woman who understands that what a man isn’t getting at home he’ll find in her bed.

There’s a good chance that if you’ve read this far you’re ready to call me names. Or to claim this is all bullshit or that I’m blaming women (blah, blah, blah). Fine. Have it your way. But think about his. How often have you heard a man say one of the following?

I can’t stand my wife anymore. She doesn’t appreciate me; all she wants to do is fuck me.

It’s not fair. Can you believe she still wants to have sex? Why can’t she be like other wives and mothers who ignore their men and spend all their time with their kids?

Goddamnit, I thought that when you got married the blowjobs stopped. Not true. She still wants to suck me off every morning.

The prosecution rests.

Share This

---

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
•