Men and Cheating: A Reality Check
Elizabeth Rose kicked this week off by suggesting that polyamory is a good way to dodge the relationship killing bullet of infidelity. Then my friend Sam, wrote Cheat Sheet, a post that explained that when faced with a philandering man, it’s important to look at all the factors that got the relationship to that point and avoid blame. And now I’m going to layout the cold hard facts about men and cheating.
A Dose of Reality:
* 1 in 2.7: The number of married men who will cheat on their wives.
* 48: The percentage of men who list emotional dissatisfaction in their
relationship as their primary reason for cheating.
* 32: The percentage of men who state that equal amounts of emotional and sexual dissatisfaction were their prime motivators for cheating.
* 8: The percentage of men who list sexual dissatisfaction as their sole motivator for cheating.
* 7: The percentage of adulterous men who will tell their wives about their extramarital affairs without being asked.
* 55: The percentage of married men who lie when confronted or who have not told their wives about their affair.
* 88: The percentage of married men who report that the other woman is no better looking or in any better shape than their wives/partners.
* The average U.S. couple spends only 10 minutes talking to each other on a daily basis. (How crazy is that? I spend more time talking to cashiers at the grocery store).
* Men ‘connect’ emotionally through sex. So, a woman initiating sex with her man, is akin to him buying her flowers just because.
* Contrary to what many women’s magazines would have you believe, you don’t need a PhD in sex techniques to keep your man happy. The main factor for most men is the frequency. (For proof that upping the frequency is all it takes click here.)
* Even with the advent of the internet, most men still meet the women they cheat with at work or through their hobbies.
Taken from The Truth About Cheating, M.Gary Neuman
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I have to admit that when I started researching this topic and stumbled upon these stats, I was surprised by the fact that 80% of men stated that feeling emotionally dissatisfied in their relationships (in whole or in part) was the main reason why they cheated. That said, once I took the time to absorb and really think about it, it all made sense to me. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for many of the women I shared this information with. When I informed female coworkers, clients, friends and even a few strangers that the number one reason men give for cheating is that they feel emotionally disconnected from their partners, in the vast majority of cases I got responses like these:
‘B.S.’
‘Right. That’s a convenient excuse.’
‘Whatever. Men just aren’t monogamous.’
‘I so don’t buy that.’
And when I asked my follow up question, ‘Would you accept the statement as true if women were saying it?’, all but one (who to her credit said she didn’t like the statement because it felt like blaming and that blaming was wrong no matter which gender did the finger pointing) boldly made statements like this:
‘Of course. Women actually have feelings.’
(Clearly none of these women read this). Not surprisingly, every man I shared the same stat with agreed with it, and more than a few went so far as to give me clear examples from their ‘friend’s” (I went in knowing I wasn’t going go get any confessions) relationships to illustrate the point.
After talking with upwards of 30 people on the issue of men and why they cheat I was struck by one thing – men and women are incredibly far apart on their understanding of this issue. I know some of you might argue that this isn’t a big deal, but I think it speaks volumes about how out of touch men and women are with each other. No matter what men say about their emotions it seems many women are stuck in the holding pattern of not believing that men have feelings. And since one’s perceptions colour one’s thoughts, words and actions I can only imagine how unheard the men in relationships with these women feel. And over time due to being unheard these men will probably feel emotionally disconnected/dissatisfied, which in turn just might lead to them… you guessed it – cheating.
In my opinion, this divide and the ways of thinking that maintain it are something both men and women need to look at, because this isn’t about placing blame or proving that one sex has been more wronged by the other. This is about all of us, men and women alike, working to become more aware of what’s going on inside our heads, so we can be more present, loving, and compassionate to our partners…
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Right?