April 1, 2010

A Guest Post by SHANS

I’m supposed to tell you that men are stupid and easily manipulated, that they’re all cartoon-ish Barney Rubble types: that sex is to men as dog biscuits are to dogs, but I can’t do that. From my experience men, like women, vary in intelligence. Shocking I know, but if you think otherwise maybe you should go back to perusing College Humor for comedic videos of people farting.

Contrary to popular belief not all women think that men are easily manipulated. We joke that we can control men with our sweet perfume and a sultry look – and sometimes (especially when there’s a drink or four involved) we can. But in the end we’re not really controlling them are we?

We spend hours getting ready, asking our girlfriends if we look cute in this or fat in that. We straighten our hair, pluck our brows, shave our legs and get the oh-so-painful bikini wax, all in hopes that the totally cute guy with the adorable accent and the knee-weakening baby blues will look our way. Women spend an average of an hour and a half getting ready for a night out which works out to roughly 3,276 hours in a lifetime. Any woman who claims that she goes through all that solely for her benefit is lying – it’s for the boys.

This brings us right back to the subject matter of some of the earlier posts this month – sex. Women like sex, want sex, crave sex and neeeeed sex. So we’ll do anything to get it. That includes working hard to be prettier than the other girls, to be smoother, sexier and more like the women on the cover of the glossy magazines on the top shelf.

I can say with complete honesty that I do not manipulate men for sex or anything else. Okay, okay I did once convince an ex to drive me three hours from home to visit a friend for her birthday. He actually cancelled his date on a Friday night to drive me and though he definitely didn’t get sex for his trouble, he does have something to hold over my head. So as Sienfeld would say – he has the upper hand.

Now the upper hand my lovelies, is so important in the ex-relationship. I broke up with him and so for two years I’ve had the upper hand, knowing that he would come back to me if I asked nicely and batted the Bambi eyes. But he was patient and I relinquished the power I’ve had since the end of our relationship all for a simple car ride to see a friend.

The girls think I’m legendary for the stunt, but I know better and so does my ex. As they say, he who’s owed a favour wields all the control. I owe him and he’ll be sure to take full advantage of that fact at his discretion. Am I obliged to run to him if he calls? Absolutely not. Will I? More than likely. The guilt I’ll feel will be too overwhelming to ignore.

So, the next time a man does something seemingly ridiculous, just because he’s a “nice guy” think very carefully before you accept his offer. Despite what you may think you’re likely the one being manipulated into his bed – not the other way around. But hell why are we all bitching about being manipulated into each other’s beds? I mean realistically – you want it, I want it, we all want it – so what’s the big deal?

As a matter of a fact the next time a man wants to manipulate me into his bed I’m going to get my shaved, plucked, waxed and well preened self in there. Wanna know why? Because on the way out of his bedroom I can guarantee that I will have the upper hand…

Yeah, I’m just that good.

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