@Sam You’re not too picky, not at all! A woman afraid to ask for what she wants in bed is like a teenager afraid to buy condoms at the drug store – If you can’t do it maybe you’re not ready to be having sex.

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@ Shans – well said. People – that’s men and women – need to learn to open their mouths (to speak *ahem*) when they choose to partake in sex. The world would be a truly magical place if we all had the balls to ask for what we want in bed.

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@Sam – regarding your point on number 2. I think we both know I am pretty pimping. And if it didn’t owe me money before I laid hands on it – it sure will do after!
And number 4 – WTF on two counts, the lass who has never taken up the reins (so to speak) and the fact you were reading Cosmo AGAIN. Do you have a subscription? Be honest…!

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@ Sam Sharpe-Wicked my youth, #5 bang on, well said.

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@ Shans,

Thank you. It’s nice to see I’m not alone in my thinking.

@ Becky,

Amen sister, amen.

@Elisabeth Rose,

You are the exception to the rule-of course you’re pretty pimpin’. And for the record I do not have a Cosmo subscription but what else am I supposed to read when I’m in the grocery store…

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@ Sweet D,

Thank you.

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Um, can I throw a spanner in the works here? I hate to be critical, but it sounds like you’re the one who can’t communicate. Some guys like a little bit of nip in their blowjob. Some guys like a vigorous handjob (with plenty of lube obviously). Some girls don’t like to swallow (although I’d be pretty worried if you were with someone who wouldn’t bring you to orgasm because she doesn’t want to stain her sheets!). Some girls want a dominant lover. Some girls need to be coaxed out of their timidity – maybe they don’t want to get on top because they are worried you’ll judge their body. It’s a very exposed position, and one I’m not comfortable assuming first time I’m with someone. ‘Speak up or I’ll fuck you the way I fucked the last girl in my bed’? What – the biting, yanking, unwilling to swallow, uncomfortable with being on top girl? That girl? You’re going to fuck me like you fucked her? Then maybe I’ll behave exactly the same way.

If you don’t like what someone’s doing to your cock, find a gentle reassuring way to explain what you do like. If a girl wont swallow that’s her prerogative – explain that it’s frustrating for you if you don’t get to finish, and ask her to bring you to climax some other way. If a girl’s lying there like a sack of poataoes why not ease her over onto her side and then say ‘I would love to see your beautiful body moving on top of me’.

Are you too picky? I don’t know: what’s being picky got to do with having good sex? It’s not like some girls are good in bed and others aren’t and you have to pick the best ones. Are all the girls you have sex with clueless? Honestly – it’s far more likely that you are.

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The following comment, though inspired by demure lemur (aka Sam Sharpe’s #1 fan) is dedicated to all of you readers out there.

Tongue in cheek (tngn-chk):

1. Meant or expressed ironically or facetiously.

2. a term used to refer to humour in which a statement, or an entire fictional work, is not meant to be taken seriously, but its sarcasm is subtle. The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as “Ironic, slyly humorous; not meant to be taken seriously”

Whenever I tease D, one of my closest female friends, she likes to respond with one of the following:

1. “Eat a dick”
2. “Suck my dick”

The tone of our banter, the jocularity of our relationship is such that D and I never need to explain our intentions to one another. An unspoken understanding exists between us. Dear readers, clearly I don’t have that kind of relationship with most of you. Perhaps in penning some of my pieces for our humble site I neglect to consider that most of you really don’t know me, nor do you know what makes me tick. And you surely couldn’t really have any clue as to how well I do or don’t communicate with lovers past and present.

With that in mind, let me say that it’s possible that I did a piss poor job writing this post (and maybe some others) and the “tongue in cheek ness” of it may have missed the mark. But it’s also possible that some of you couldn’t recognize the “tongue in cheek ness” of this post or anything else for that matter, even if it was french kissing you out of your underwear.

It all tempts me to follow the example of my dear friend D and tell some of you to “eat a dick”, but I’m just a little afraid it might be taken too seriously.

Cheers.

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Fair enough, your tone is lighthearted, but lots of sexual aggression against women comes couched in such lighthearted tones. When you write a post about how shit in bed all the girls you sleep with are, it will come to many off as boorish and threatening. ‘Them’s just jokes’ isn’t really justification enough.

I like Met Another Frog. I think it’s an intelligent group blog, and a very funny one. I’ve liked lots of the stuff you’ve written. But this post ain’t pretty – it’s aggressive and even misogynistic. If I were a more impressionable woman, I might walk away from reading it with some fairly damaging ideas about how men view women.

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Really Lemure? Sammy is a misogynist because he doesn’t like getting his junk chewed on? Let’s just take a deep breath here…

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@Demure I have a few comments for you, most of which are rude, so I’ll try and keep it as polite as possible considering your inability to understand humour and your lack of consideration for the male sex.

1) No man, likes a bit of nip – that would be like saying some women like to have hot needles stuck in their clit – nip hurts and not a wee bit you’re talking about the most sensitive part of his body. IF you want to give a bit of nip you should ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS ask first.

2) I agree some women don’t like to swallow – I know several girls who take issue with swallowing… that’s why we have to give a heads up (fyi head’s up is meant to be funny) about these things… we’re back to the communications point.

3) Your idea that the woman on top position can make a woman with body issues uncomfortable is insane. First off if you’re in his bed or he’s in yours he’s considering himself DAMN lucky to see you naked. Secondly body issues don’t belong in the bedroom… never have and never will. So get over it or see a sex therepist before engaging in any under the sheets behaviour.

4) Some girls are good in bed others aren’t – as is also true with men. Those people who communicate with their partners, who don’t allow body issues in the bedroom, who are willing to experiment and try new things are better in bed than others.

5) When Sam asks, “Am I too picky?” he is commenting on his own issues, Ie: maybe these things shouldn’t bother me. He is NOT saying that his pickiness has anything to do with the quality of woman in his bed…. but that perhaps he should take a second look at these issues and see which ones are deal breakers.

6) I think you are an impressionable woman, you have been so moulded by your feminist ideals that you believe that women have the right to get upset over anything a man says or does but that men have no right to comment on our behaviour.

Now I would like you to go eat some crow.

Yours,
Shans

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I didn’t call Sam a misogynist. I called the post misogynistic. I think that’s key.

The post is misogynistic. It’s not the case that I have a lack of consideration for the male sex. Men are wonderful, but this kind of comedy cloaked sexual aggression really isn’t.

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Alright all, let’s play nice.

Shans & Mo, thanks for the support. It is much appreciated.

Y’know, one of my “bestest” pals is an ex-girlfriend. Our different outlooks on life were a large part of why our relationship didn’t last. Whereas I like nothing better than long evenings of spirited conversation fueled by the Caribbean’s finest rums, she had no use for alcohol and was in bed by 9pm. Whereas she extolled the virtue of quinoa, tofu, texturized vegetable protein and yoga, I much prefer rice and peas, oxtail, nachos and a little soccer for exercise. We weren’t a good fit–at least not romantically. So, we decided to end it and have transitioned our relationship from lovingly antagonistic to pleasingly and proudly platonic.

What’s the moral of the story? Sometimes two reasonable people can have deeply conflicting views of the same issues, but still be civil, maybe even friendly. Have I written stuff that’s crass? Undoubtedly. Juvenile? Hopefully, yes. Funny? Sometimes. Misogynistic? I say no. Demure Lemur says yes. We disagree. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Isn’t the world a more interesting place because people sometimes have opposing views? I say yes.

So to demure lemur I say thanks for dropping by and for throwing your spanner in the works (I’ve always liked that saying. I might start using it more). Thanks for sharing your opinions. Don’t be a stranger. Even though we may (often?) disagree, at the very least you’ll keep me on my toes. And I like that.

Cheers.

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Thanks Sam. That’s a really lovely way to leave this. I’ll be back to heckle, don’t you worry.

P.S. What is crow? I’ve been trying to entice the rooks outside my window into a pot of broth all morning, but they’re not having any of it.

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@ DL – just for you girl…

To crow: vb (intr)
1. to boast one’s superiority
2. dwell on with satisfaction

Synonyms:
gloat, triumph,boast, brag, gasconade, shoot a line, vaunt, tout, gas, bluster, swash, blow; show off, preen, congratulate; pride or congratulate (oneself) for an achievement.

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@ Skye – Sounds nutritious

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Absolutely not too picky. I’m a lady and I thoroughly approve of your list.

It goes both ways, though. I will gladly swallow, pick a stray pubic hair from between my teeth, and wipe my chin. However if I hear a man dare complain about going down on women because it’s hairy or smelly or gross, the deal is off, friend.
Sex is gross and to love sex you have to love the gross. It drives me nuts (heh. no pun intended) when your hairy balls are a de facto treat while me getting head is a friggin’ miracle.

college dudes, man. somebody please tell me that this is only a problem in college.
ulterior banana recently posted..The Dom-Sub Dance

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Great post….terribly funny.

Going to send to my college roommates, who I once got into a raging argument about spits v swallows. When I said “how would you like it if he pulled away right at the critical juncture?” you could have heard crickets chirping.

Failure “to finish” that particular “job” is one of the most selfish things a sexual partner can do.

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