April 13, 2010

A Guest Post by ZOIE

Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times … do not exit until the car has come to a complete stop … and most importantly … sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

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Picture it folks. You’re at the amusement park, standing in line to ride favourite roller coaster. It’s your fave because you love the hills, curves and loops of the track.  You’re brimming with excitement as you wait your turn to feel the roller coaster run smoothly along the tracks the same way it always has, at the same speed that always takes your breath away. You wait patiently knowing that neither you nor any of the other riders can do a damn thing to control or change this magnificent ride – which is what makes it all so thrilling. So, when your turn finally comes, you happily hop into your seat and buckle up as necessary, all in anticipation of yet another exhilarating experience.

Now, imagine if halfway through your rousing ride, some fool in front of you tries to get up and steer the roller coaster. You know what would happen? The operator would shut the whole thing down, you (and everyone else) on the roller coaster would be pissed as hell that someone had f’ed with your enjoyment of the action. And as for the aforementioned fool responsible for the delay? Well, he would be unceremoniously thrown right out of the park – without having the chance to try out any of the other rides.

Now boys, you wouldn’t want be thrown out of the park before you’ve had your fill of fun would you? You wouldn’t want to miss out on all the chills, thrills and spills – i.e. the action – you came out to experience at the park right? I know I wouldn’t.

Well, missing out on the action is exactly what happens to men who refuse to sit back and enjoy the ‘rousing ride’ we women offer up every time we choose to give you a blow job. Although we’re (at least those of us who are smart) are open to verbal cues and pointers that let us know we’re on the right track, there’s absolutely NO need to try to steer or control the speed of your ride. Trust me, if we offered to do it, it’s because we know we’ve got it all under control. And like your fave roller coaster, when a woman decides to bless your ‘mike’ with a BJ, it’s STRICTLY a passenger ride.

Now after all that, it should be more than clear what my number one pet peeve in the bedroom is, but just in case let me spell it out for you. I and many other women out there HATE  it when men hold our heads down or otherwise try to take control when we’re giving a BJs. I’m sure you men aren’t shocked by this news, as most of you would balk at the idea of having someone hold your head down when you’re going downtown. Nevertheless I feel it is my duty to let you boys know what you need to do to make BJs a mutually satisfying experience. So here goes…

Guys, when you’re lucky enough to get a blow job from your girl you should remember to:

1. Keep your hands off the crown of her head when she has your cock in her mouth. Please note: Her head is not a stick shift.
2. Not thrust your pelvis forcefully against her lips or attempt to pound the shit out of the back of her throat. This is self-explanatory right?
3. Avoid using her hair to pull her head around as if her locks are the reins on a horse. This is an absolute no-no. Again, self-explanatory.
4. Think of her gag reflex as one of the airbags in your car deploying. It means there’s been a crash – against her tonsils and it HURTS!
5. Allow her to do what she needs to do. FYI: the person doing the blowing she is the ONLY operator of the ride. As I mentioned before verbal cues or instructions are welcome, but don’t you dare try to take the wheel.

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Trust me boys, if you follow my rules you’ll get more BJs because your girl won’t be suffering through it. And if she’s not suffering she may actually start to really enjoy them, which means there’s a good chance she’ll keep blowin’ you ‘til your done.

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Hmmm…Just think about that one for a minute..

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