April 21, 2010

SAM SHARPE

HER: His. Cock. Must. Be. HUUUUUUGE.

ME: Why would you say that?

HER: I can tell. I’ve seen him in track pants. There’s a lot of bouncing going on.

ME: Shrugging shoulders. Maybe he’s a shower, not a grower.

HER: Shower, not a grower? What are you talking about?

The vignette you just read is based on an actual conversation I had. Not when I was 15. Not when I was 20, but last year. I thought I’d long since outgrown this kind of stuff, but it’s becoming clear that I was wrong.

More recently, another female friend said the following:

Anything less than 8 inches is not good enough for me.

There’s nothing too controversial about that statement. However, the interesting thing is that at a later date the same young lady said this:

WHOA! anything more that 7 inches is waaaaayyyy too big

Huh?!?! Confused? So was I. But I don’t think this is uncommon. See, not only do many women still harbour notions that they can predict the size of a man’s junk by some external factor, but many clearly don’t know how these things operate and don’t know the difference between “showers” and “growers”. And some, maybe most women, wouldn’t know what an eight inch cock looked like if they were using it as a toothbrush.

So, in an attempt to educate, I’m going to drop some science for you ladies. But, instead of beating you over the head with the numbers and stats you’ve heard and read many times before, I thought I would give you all the measurements of everyday items that are just sitting around my apartment (but if you want the stats, you can find some here). This way, when you’re telling your friends about the monster cock your new man has, you’ll have a practical frame of reference.

“Girl, my new man is straight packing. I’m talkin’ Guinness sized!!”

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TERMS AND DEFINITIONS:

Showers vs. Growers:

A ‘shower’ has a penis that is long when flaccid. It does not increase in length much as it gets erect.

A ‘grower’ has a penis that is short/shorter when flaccid. This penis increases a lot in length as it gets erect.

**There are some men who are showers AND growers—but that’s a conversation for another day.

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BY THE NUMBERS:

Average penis: 6 inches

Eyeglass case: 6 inches

Compact disc case: 5 7/8 inches

750 ml bottle of Appleton Estate V/X rum: 9 ¾ inches

Colgate cavity protection (carton): 9 inches

4GB iPod nano: 3 ½ inches

Uncapped Papermate pen: 5 7/8 inches

300 ml bottle Dragon stout (from LCBO): 8 1/8 inches

330 ml bottle Guinness draught (from LCBO) 9 1/8 inches

Potato peeler: 5 ¾ inches

Business card: 3 ½ inches

45 rpm (aka a 7 inch) Dennis Brown record: 6 7/8 inches

Oral B toothbrush: 7 ½ inches

Cotton swab: 3 inches

Johnson & Johnson mint waxed floss: 3 1/8 inches

My cock:

You didn’t really think I was going to put that in there did you?

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