April 22, 2010

A Guest Post by JOSH

It took the better part of 30 years and being offered a great job opportunity for me to finally set foot in Asia – a continent that I’ve been enthralled with for most of life. Now that I’m here I’ve been exploring the region quite extensively. As a result, I’m slowly learning about life on the other side of the planet and some of the pitfalls that it entails.

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After making my way through China, Korea, Thailand, Hong Kong and Singapore, and meeting many elegant and beautiful Oriental women, I decided to visit the Philippines: specifically the island of Boracay, for a vacation with some friends and business associates.

Boracay is a tropical paradise like no other. The white sand beaches that go on for miles, are gently licked by the crystal clear warm waters of the ocean. Endless quantities of cheap premium beer and sweet cocktails keep the tourists happy. And beautiful woman abound. Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it? Well, as they say, if you think it’s too good to be true, you’re proably right.

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Shortly after one in the morning on our first night on the island, the seedier side of our tropical paradise began to surface. After some subdued fun at the beachside bars, steady drinking and plenty of light-hearted chat, the girls started coming out to play. The first I saw of this was my Managing Director and a local girl getting really, really friendly on the dance floor. Now this local girl was quite forward and couldn’t seem to keep her hands of the MD. As I watched them grope one another I began to feel a little left out, so I decided to get up on the dance floor myself and see what happened.

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After a couple of minutes dancing I noticed something that disturbed me and things started to become very clear. The women that had been in the club prior to one am were just as subdued as they were before one o’clock. But now there were new ‘girls’, who were a lot taller and with much broader shoulders, filling the dance floor. These new ‘girls’ were a lot more forward and friendly than the rest.

That’s when I remembered the many warnings my friends back home have given me about ladyboys. They had all made much song and dance about the possibility that I may fall prey to a beautiful ‘girl’ after one of my legendary drinking sessions. The thought of this as a red blooded male, I cannot lie, scared me somewhat, but I didn’t really think it was actually a possibility. That is until I was on the dance floor living my worst nightmare. There I was surrounded by dozens of ladyboys.

I was in a complex predicament. Should I save my own skin and vacate the premises immediately, or should I alert my MD, who seemed completely unaware of the situation we were in, to my suspicions? After mulling it over in my mind for a few moments as I sidestepped many a ‘handy’ ladyboy, I decided to at least have a chat with my oblivious MD. At the very least I could take this opportunity to amuse myself at his expense (everyone who knows me is aware of my wicked sense of humour). So I made my way across the crowded dance floor towards the amorous couple, but at the last minute I decided to play it safe – after all I like my job.

“Hey! How’s it going?” I asked my MD, raising my voice to compete with the sound-system.

“Ok man!” he said in a not so convincing tone.

“Notice anything strange about this place mate?”

“Excuse me for one minute,” he shouted over the music to his dance partner, as he freed himself from the tight hold she had on his waist. Then he pulled me off the dance floor and said, “She has got really rough hands, like a man!”

Upon hearing his declaration I immediately shared my suspicions. I told him that the locals in the bar fell into two height categories. All the women were between 5’0” and 5’4”, whereas all the men were between 5’9” and 5’11”. However just after one am a number of people around 5’10” showed up clad in some pretty sexy dresses.

By the end of my rant the boss looked pretty ill. Despite this, his capacity to lead remained unshaken (the man is a trooper). He rounded up the rest of our group in lightening speed, and then marched us back along the beach to our hotel at a feverish clip. Although, for the better part of our mad dash to the hotel we were followed by what must have been the most aggressive and predatory ladyboy on the planet (including the ones in Thailand), we eventually lost ‘her’.

The following morning on the beach was just a tad awkward. Very little was said for the first hour or so. Eventually some brave soul broached the topic of our time in the club the night before and an animated discussion of the night’s events ensued. By the end of it a we decided as a group that we wouldn’t drink quite as much, so we could be certain that we only ended up with real girls. Then we unanimously agreed one thing – petite girls were the only safe option – a decision I was fine with as I do have sweet spot for the “pint sized” subset of the fairer sex.

“Check her height, hands and shoulders,” the MD reminded us as we headed back to our respective rooms, “Then, if she hasn’t got an adam’s apple you’re safe.”

Day eventually became night, and armed with the MD’s rules for safely meeting a girl, I was ready to hit the clubs once more.

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To be continued…

tomorrow.

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