May 6, 2010

A Guest Post by ZOE

We live in a society that values results – test grades, college degrees, monthly paychecks – so it’s not surprising that we run our sex lives like we run our work lives. We want results, and if we don’t get them, we feel like we’re failures. In this society, sex is no different. The orgasm has been put on a pedestal.

I spent years believing that if I or the man I was sexing up did not reach orgasm, something was wrong. I let my mind get into the game, and when my mind got into the game, I lost my game. I began to over-analyze sex, at the expense of really enjoying it. And, as anyone knows, anxiety is a mood killer.

A recent encounter changed my perspective. I had fallen head over heels for this one man, and our connection was so vivid I was sure we’d been best friends in a previous life. This is the only man who turned me on by just holding my hand. It was pure electricity. On our first date, we kissed in a parking lot in front of a closed department store, and I felt as if fireworks had imploded in my head. Not surprisingly, we were soon bedfellows.

However, this man rarely orgasmed. The sex was incredible, arriving in waves of enjoyment that captivated both of us for hours. At first, I was slightly alarmed by the lack of a definable “end” to our enjoyment, and wondered if I was doing something wrong. But no, he assured me, he “rarely did.” And we resumed the fun. I stopped over thinking it and began to enjoy some of the most intense sex of my life, orgasms included.

Since then, I’ve learned to enjoy sex as is – a sort of “zen sex” – without a concentrated emphasis on the ephemeral orgasm. If one or both of us reaches that happy window, fantastic. But to try for it at the expense of enjoying the journey? Not worth it.

Remember those lengthy make-out sessions you experienced with a high school crush in a darkened hallway? The way your heart beat underneath the stubborn layer of clothes that somehow remained on your body? Were these encounters any less delicious than the encounters you experience today? I’d argue that they were just as much fun, orgasm or not.

So, to orgasm or not to orgasm? Well, if you relax, you’ll get there. Or not. But as any good philosopher will tell you, it’s all about the experience…

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so why not enjoy it?

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