May 20, 2010

Because our theme is Better Sex this month, in the spirit of promoting better sex and breaking down stereotypes/limited ways of thinking about sex, I decided to interview my friend, The Wayward One (TWO): a fun-loving, cute and vivacious red-head of 52 years, who ‘came of age’ sexually in her late forties, when she became involved with the kinky community here in Toronto.

Too often in our society good sex tends to be associated with vim and vigour of youth, but as many of the old folks like me and TWO know, experience – which often comes with age – generally makes for better sex. That said it’s my hope that TWO’s comments will enlighten and inspire you to think more openly about sex, kink and women of a certain age.

Enjoy,

Skye

–

Me: What made you decide to join the kinky community?

TWO: When I reached my late forties, I decided that I wanted to try new things in life. I wanted a change. During that time I made some new friends and it just so happened that one was kinky. He started talking to me about the community and I was intrigued by what he told me.

Me: So your friend was the one who introduced you to the community?

TWO: Well actually, another male friend who wanted to see if I would be a compatible partner actually took me to my first play party. As it turns out we weren’t a match.  Eventually I connected with the man I’m seeing now and it was through him that I really became actively involved in the community.

Me: What is it about kink or the kinky community that keeps you going back for more?

TWO: It’s really exciting. I love having the chance to really explore new facets of my sexuality – things I wouldn’t dream of doing if I hadn’t become involved with the community. I definitely wouldn’t have anticipated being here at this time in my life before I was introduced to kink. Also, the kinky community is so supportive – at least in my experience. Each social event I attend is charged with this edgy and exciting energy, yet the people there are all really friendly and welcoming. I always feel at home.

I’d like to add for the sake of any of your readers who might be interested in coming out to a kinky event that a large part of the reason why I’m so comfortable as a single woman at events is that at every play party, there are people whose sole job it is monitor what’s going on in the space. They try to make sure that everyone there is safe. So there’s very little chance of being in danger – I feel it is safer than a regular bar. Play parties are a great way to expand your sexual horizons in a friendly, welcoming and safe environment.

Me:  Are there any other benefits to being part of the kinky community?

TWO:  I think there are a ton of benefits, but I’m probably biased because I love the community.  (laughs)

Where do I start? Beyond the friendliness, support and concern for everyone’s well-being, I’d say community is very broad-minded about what they find acceptable. Kinky people are generally in the ‘anything goes as long as it involves two consenting adults, you’re playing safe and it feels good’ camp. So, whatever your fantasy or fetish it’s probably going to be accepted in the kinky community – without judgment.

Another great benefit of being apart of the community is that all body types are accepted and seen as sexy – which is so rare in our thin and youth obsessed society. And being a part of the community forces you to open up.

Before you attend a play party, most people who are new to the community will attend an event known as a munch. At these events you get to meet and break bread with people in the community as you discuss what types of things you’d like to do at a play party. It makes for some rather interesting initial conversations – nothing like regular small talk over dinner. There’s always a great deal of negotiating before any play is initiated. People will ask you what you want, how you want it done, etc. Clear communication is very much encouraged and valued.

If you’re new and you indicate that you want to play with someone, people in the community will give you references if they can. This is helpful because you won’t be a good match for every person you are interested in on sight. For example, I tend to play lightly. I’m not into a lot of pain.  When I first started, people let me know who was into rougher play than I’d be interested in.

Finally it’s pretty much a drug and alcohol free community, which is yet another way the community promotes safety at events. At play parties alcohol is rarely served, as a person who is drunk or stoned isn’t able to give consent or good feedback regarding what’s being done to them. No one likes playing with someone in an altered state whose reactions to whatever is happening will be muted.

Me: What would you say is the most challenging or difficult thing about transitioning into the community?

TWO: For me finding out what I liked was probably one of the more challenging things. Some people can figure it out by watching, but that didn’t work for me. Thankfully, my partner is quite patient and he’s always willing to try new things with me.

Generally I think overcoming the urge to try everything your first time out is probably difficult for people, especially individuals who’ve fantasized about kink for most of their lives.  But taking it slow is the best way to go. It’s definitely not a good idea to jump in to all that is being offered up at once. People who do so tend to get overwhelmed and burn out quickly.

Also, it takes a while to figure kinky etiquette out. I was so concerned with understanding the rules of the community initially, even though people told me not to worry about it.  Took me a while to relax and trust that I didn’t need to be so concerned about it.

–

Find out  more about TWO’s thoughts on aging, sex, kink, younger men and exploring your fantasies in Part 2 of this interview, tomorrow.

Share This

---

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
•