May 21, 2010

Okay folks, as promised here is the second half of the interview yours truly, Ms. Blue, did with TWO (if you missed the first half of our discussion click here). Read on to see her thoughts on sex in her 50s, overcoming her hang ups about being with younger men, more of her insights on the kinky community and exploring her fantasies.

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Me: How different is your sex life now, compared to when you were in your 20s, 30s and early 40s, based on your attitude and what you’re experiencing now?

TWO: I’m definitely more open-minded and better able to communicate my needs. My sex life was great before mind you, but now it’s even better. The most remarkable thing is that I had assumed that because of my age I was well past my sexual hey day and that it would likely be rare to be desired again. I’m happy to have been proven wrong (though I am still concerned that it will be true in a few years). I feel like I have more choices now and a greater range of themes in my fantasy life than I’ve ever had before. And the bonus is that I’m now in a position to explore them, which is exhilarating, gratifying and fun. I don’t think I would have explored any of my fantasies if I wasn’t in the community. I wouldn’t have the courage or the inclination to ask.

Also, I’ve had great experiences with kink primarily because of my partner, who really is encouraging of exploration. He expanded my views about sex and kink by making associations with things that it would never have occurred to me to want.

Me: Since you mentioned that your partner had a big influence on what you experienced in the community, would you advise anyone thinking about getting involved with kink to find that type of partner?

TWO: Not everyone will be lucky enough to find someone they click with right from the start. Some people just play with various partners to find out what they like. If someone who wants to try kink out for the first time doesn’t know anyone who is kinky, I would advise them to go to a munch so they can ease into things. The people there will talk to you about how things work, what to expect, etc. They can find about upcoming munches and play parties at ehbc.ca – which lists events happening in all across Ontario.

Me: Is there anything else you think kinky wannabes should know before taking the plunge?

TWO: Yes. This is a warning to anyone who has had kinky fantasies for a long time before choosing to explore them. When you do start to explore if it’s with only one partner, there is a chance you may get really attached to that person. Some people who experience the pleasures they’ve been dreaming about for years may put the person who gets them there up on a pedestal, so to speak. And when the connection ends – as they often do – they are devastated. People should remember that neither the discovery of what you like nor the pleasure it brings should be linked to one particular person.

Me: You’ve mentioned to me in previous conversations that you had to get over your own hang ups about being an older woman in the crowd once you entered the community, and that at first you would quickly tell the younger men that approached you your age, only to find that they didn’t care. What advice would you give women in your age group who wish to explore their sexuality with adult partners of all ages based on your experience?

TWO: Yes, I initially told everyone my age because I didn’t want to create any false expectations about what I looked like under my clothes. I had to quickly get used to being approached by younger men, as I am one of the oldest members of the community – another thing that has made me more open-minded.

The one piece of advice I’d give to women my age who are starting to explore their sexuality is not to make assumptions. What matters more is your attitude, your health and your energy. People won’t be worried about your age, if you’re not.

Me: If you could go back in time and speak to your younger self (i.e. you in your 20s) what advice would you give her about sex and sexuality?

TWO: I’d tell her that there is no reason to avoid your fantasies. You can explore them and live out your wildest dreams. I am a feminist and in my younger years it caused me to be very judgmental about my fantasies – I was my very own thought police. Now that I’m older and wiser I recognize that none of my fantasies are going to destroy the social fabric of world, so I just go for it.  Sex is a good thing and I make a concerted effort to enjoy all the pleasures it brings.

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FIN

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