May 26, 2010

A Guest Post by VIVI

When I was asked to write a post promoting better sex, my first thought was to review a few porn films that I thought depicted the best sex. At first the idea got me very excited, because I really LOVE porn. But I started to reconsider things when the following questions popped into my mind:

Why do you think porn depicts the best sex?

Does porn really feature great sex?

Has all my porn watching made my sex life any better?

I decided these were burning questions I needed to find the answers to…

while viewing porn.

Watching a few of the choice films in my extensive collection brought me back to the first time I ever saw a porn video. I was in the eighth grade and it was at my friend Jennifer’s house. She had found one of her dad’s movies, so she invited me over to her place to watch it. Boy was I excited as we settled down in front of the TV in her rec room and the movie began to play. I was going to see real live sex for the fist time. Well, all the playground chats about humping and the plethora of diagrams I’d carefully examined in sex ed class hadn’t prepared me for all the nakedness and pumping I saw that night. As the action heated up on screen I went through a full gamut of emotions: fear, panic, disgust, more fear, excitement and shock. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t take my eyes of the screen. And then all of a sudden it hit me. I actually was enjoying what I was seeing. I liked watching sex. I was really into porn.

Once I got comfortable with that idea another thought hit me:

“The man in this movie is GROSS. How come he’s screwing a gorgeous woman who seems to be having a good time with him?”

And so began my juvenile fascination with porn. From that day forward I was on a quest to find out if everyone, especially the women, in pornos had a good time. By the end of my Grade nine year, I had seen many a porn flick, the end result being my coming to the conclusion that, yes, everyone in porn films had fun – and lots of it. So, when I started having sex, I used porn as my guide on how to perform sexually.

Over time I realized that the guys I was having sex with weren’t like the men in the pornos, who always showed their partners a good time. No matter how much I moaned, groaned or pursed my lips, I didn’t have fun in the sack. So my naïve and sexually inexperienced mind surmised that perhaps the dudes I was having sex with were too good looking to have skills in the bedroom, and that what I needed to do was find some not so hot boys (i.e. men with exceptional amounts of hair on their chest and back) to bed. Much to my surprise, sex with less attractive mates did not produce the heights of ecstasy I expected. Clearly I was doing something wrong.

As I matured and gained some experience my sex life slowly got better – without the help of porn or unattractive men I might add – and I assumed (again naïvely) that this was the case for everyone around me. However, as I constantly find myself in conversation with women bemoaning their less than stellar sex lives (bad sex is clearly epidemic), it is clear to me that many people still ‘depend’ on porn to gauge what great sex should be like. Many times, during these discussions, some well meaning soul (often a female) will suggest that the woman in question watch some porn and then ask her partner to mimic what is happening in the scene. This of course makes me wonder,

“Why is porn being used to show/tell our partners what we want them to do to us or what we want to do to them?”

If you’re lucky enough to have a partner then chances are you’ve seen each other naked, which would suggest that you’ve been kinda vulnerable with each other. So talking about what you want done and how, should not be that difficult, right? But for some reason this isn’t the way it works for the women I’ve run into: which begs the question why?

After pondering all of this for a while, one day the answer came to me. Porn is used by many people as a way to communicate what they want out of their sexual relationships, because it takes the fear out of being open and honest with their lovers. With porn, people can be fearless in bed. They can try out the moves and sex toys they saw on screen, and if it all doesn’t work out they can just blame it on some lowly porn star.

Everyday porn production companies produce movies that will be seen by millions of viewers, and in the process earn them millions of dollars. It’s clear that there has to be something more to porn than just sexy women and not so great looking men boffing each other. I have to believe that all those viewers are getting more out of it than some kind of release. I’d like to believe that what they’re getting is the license or permission to push their limits and explore the unknown; to revel in all the sexual pleasures available so they can find their truest sexual self. And with any luck, they’ll eventually end up having better sex.

As for me, over the years I’ve learned a few things through my fondness for porn and appreciation of a good lay: specifically,

1. Be open-minded about sex.
2. Don’t worry about being judged. Just jump in and do all the nasty things you want to.
3. Focus on pleasuring your partner, while making sure you’re also having a good time.

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Take it from me. These tips will help to improve the quality of the sex you have, even if you end up in bed with a guy who’s so hairy you think he’s wearing a mink coat.

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