May 30, 2010

SKYE BLUE

If you’ve been with us for a while, you’ll remember that during Man Month I wrote a post called Say It Loud – I’m a Slut and I’m Proud; in which I provided links and info that championed slutty girls everywhere. I also came up with my own definition of the term slut:

Any woman who fiercely professes her predilection for pumping.

I wrote that post primarily because I wanted to do my part to end slut shaming – the public or private insulting or putting down of a woman who expresses her sexuality in a way that does not conform to our society’s rigid and patriarchal notions around female sexuality. But if I’m really honest, I also chose to write that post because I’m in the throes of my own battle to reclaim the space in my mind that has been taken up by negative views (courtesy of my upbringing and societal messages) that label virtually any woman who enjoys having sex with more than one partner or who is open about her sexuality as a slut (in the pejorative sense), tramp, whore, skank, etc (fml).

Unfortunately, I know I’m not alone. From what I’ve read and seen, it is we women who are the biggest proponents of slut shaming. We’ve internalized the anti-slut BS of our well-meaning parents and society at large to the point where many of us believe – subconsciously or otherwise – that women who ‘give it away for free’ are dirty and make the rest of us look bad. And many of us, obsess about our own rep and crunch our numbers to maintain the veneer of an appropriate level of chastity (whatever that means). None of us want to come off like a ho – especially on the first date with a dude we like right? A question that provides a perfect segue into the point of this piece: the misguided notion that girls and women who have sex on the first night/date are slutty.

Now, judging from the conversations that I’ve had with my adult male friends the only men who really worry about the number of the women they bed are young dudes (i.e. the 25 and under set) and men who are really insecure about their skills and/or how their man parts rank. Yet, in my 30-odd years on this planet, I’ve had many discussions with women of all ages about the fact that they chose not to sleep with a guy they met on the first night/first date because they didn’t want to ‘go out like a slut’ or because they ‘need to keep their numbers down’.  Which begs the following question…

How much sex are women not having because they are worried about being seen as slutty or having high numbers?

I’m guessing the answer to that is TONS – which makes me sad. Why? Because as I said in Sex: We All Want It we need to stop fronting and admit that we want it – at least as much as the guys do – without shame!

So once again I’m advocating that we ladies get out of our heads when faced with the prospect of sex with a hot guy who made our mind and bodies tingle on a first date (because as anyone who’s on the dating scene – particularly those of us who’ve dabbled in online dating – will tell you connections like that are rare). If we can push our own internal slut-shamers out of our heads, and then let go of all our worries about our numbers and his intentions maybe, just maybe we can learn to relish – with abandon I might add – all the deliciousness and passion of a good first night slam (minus the angst about when we’ll hear from hear from him next flooding our brains minutes after he walks out the door).

Now stop and take a few moments to imagine just how freeing that would be.

As far as I’m concerned, women have spent enough time not being sexually fulfilled because of our concerns about being seen as dirty for liking, wanting and going after sex.  We all need to go for ours in ways that work for us, despite the voices in our head and society that tell us doing so is wrong.  As Elizabeth Rose likes to say, Sex is Awesome and because she’s right we should all be partaking in it when we want it, even if the mood hits when we’re on a first date with a great guy.

So ladies, my advice to you is two-fold.

1. Work on ridding yourself of the slut-shamer rolling around in your head – her time is up and she’s gotta go.
2. The next time you’re faced with a chance to boff a sexy fine man at the end of first date, remember the following phrase, which was originally penned by my friend Mike Masters…

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Amen to great sex and sex for sex’s sake.

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That’s my two cents on the issue. Please leave a comment with yours below.

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