June 1, 2010
A Guest Post by JFB
Fair warning: the following discourse is grown folk talk. The easily offended are cordially invited to go sit at the kids table, hit the back button in your browser window, or at least shut the hell up ’til I’m done.
Before I respond to the question du jour, let me make this perfectly clear: I am not pro-feminist. I’m anti-bullshit, which in my mind means requiring adults of both genders to own responsibility for their behavior, sexual and otherwise.
As I’ve already devoted at least a thousand words to the question of whether women who fuck on the first date are sluts, this time around I’ve decided to augment my theories with the use of pictures. Using the most advanced tools available I’ve compiled the following absolutely scientific data.
Exhibit A: Are Women Who Fuck on the First Date Sluts?
The answer is: sometimes. Let’s do the math. Some women have sex on the first date. Some women are sluts. Technically that means some women who have sex on the first date are sluts. Choosing to act on sexual chemistry instead of postponing overpowering desire doesn’t constitute promiscuity. If you weren’t a slut before you got down and dirty the first night, you won’t wake up magically transformed into a woman of ill repute the next morning.
You have to say the things and do the things that really matter to you today without hesitation, because you don’t know if you’re going to get another chance. Sometimes, tomorrow never comes. At the same time, you have to live with the awareness that every stone thrown into a pond sends ripples across the surface, and every choice you make today reverberates into your future. If you don’t want to deal with the repercussions of your actions tomorrow, you should consider the consequences of your decisions today carefully.
So why does this antiquated notion that women who “put out” are easy, persist?
Exhibit B: Society and The Double Standard
Most men will not pass up the opportunity for sex on the first date. Or the second. Or ever. Some people however, are judgmental assholes. If a man stigmatizes you because you are sexually attracted enough to sleep with him, or because he is narcissistic enough to believe a woman doesn’t have the same sexual needs/desires that he has, he is a hypocrite.
The invasive nature of the sexual act means that men and women have different reactions to the aftermath. When to have sex for the first time is a tricky question. Some (but not all) of the many factors that go into this equation are: How long have you known this person? Are you looking for a serious relationship or a fling? Are you both emotionally mature enough to deal with the consequences of entering a sexual relationship? Do you feel safe, desired, respected, and will you continue to, post coitus?
This complex set of variables forms a unique fingerprint for every couple; hard, fast rules don’t apply. The best sex is based on connection, and that which is worth having is worth waiting for. If that determination can be made within hours instead of weeks, both parties should feel free to indulge, with no guilt or loss of respect. Know what you’re getting into and who you’re getting into it with, feel the flow of energy, and go with it.
Exhibit C: Does Having Sex on the First Date Disqualify Me for a
Of the healthy adults who maintain an active sex life, only a fraction manage to do this inside the boundaries of a happy monogamous relationship. If you are lucky enough to find yourself in one of these, it probably has very little to do with early intimacy and everything to do with chemistry, hard work, and commitment.
There’s a growing camp that believes that making a man wait for sex—be it ninety days or a predetermined number of dates—increases your chances of landing a mate. I would have done a venn-diagram representing these people, except it would have been a single circle with the word ‘delusional’ in the center. Grown ass folks, fuck. If you’re intent on you enforcing a coochie embargo in the (vain) hopes you’ll be taken more seriously, you’d best make peace with the reality that your prospective partner is probably indulging in adult behavior with someone else in the meantime. If you’re not fucking him, somebody else is (see exhibit A).
Waiting to ensure chemistry and allowing tension to develop naturally is a wondrous thing. It is also no guarantee the sex will be good. Few things are more disheartening than spending time and energy in a relationship with a given individual, only to discover you’re sexually incompatible after you’re emotionally invested.
This I know from experience.
Just because we don’t live in an ideal world doesn’t mean we should abandon our ideals. Sluts, judgmental assholes, hypocrites and delusional people have existed since the dawn of time, and don’t seem to be vanishing. Try not to have sex with them, and more importantly, don’t allow their view of you to color your view of yourself. After all, what is the real reason women get called sluts in the first place?
j. summers 2010