Confessions of a First-Date Slut

Posted by: MetAnotherFrog Admin    Tags:  , , ,     Posted date:  June 3, 2010  |  14 Comments


June 3, 2010


A Guest Post by MAN SHOPPER

It seems that most traditional dating pundits are telling us that if we give up our sex leverage on the first date, we’re essentially slut-buckets – aka Super Sluts. This idea is so pervasive that I never gave it much thought until I was approached to do this guest post on the misconception that women who choose to have sex on the first-date are sluts.  I admit that I was stumped at first.

"Super Slut"And when I get stuck on an intellectual problem, I always turn to the Oxford English Dictionary.  It has never let me down.

According to the OED, a slut is:

1. a. A woman of dirty, slovenly, or untidy habits or appearance; a foul slattern.

….b. A kitchen-maid; a drudge. Rare.

….c. A troublesome or awkward creature. Obscure.

2. a. A woman of a low or loose character; a bold or impudent girl; a hussy, jade.

….b. In playful use, or without serious imputation of bad qualities.

3. A female dog; a bitch.

4. a. A piece of rag dipped in lard or fat and used as a light.

….b. The guttering of a candle.

5. Special collocations, as slut’s corner, a corner left uncleaned by a sluttish person.

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Here’s the thing, dear readers.  According to the OED, I am sluttiness incarnate.

1.  In college, my habits were, at times, dirty, slovenly and — God help me — untidy.

2.  I have always been a troublesome AND awkward creature.

3.  Haven’t we all been a bitch at some point in our lives?

4.  I wouldn’t be averse to being dipped in lard and used as a light… depending on my mood.

5.  And of course, I’ve had my moments of looseness, boldness, and impudence.  If I hadn’t, I’d likely still be a virgin.  I’d also be mind-numbingly boring.

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However, there is one part of the OED’s definition that I must protest.  Whatever my faults are, I’m not a woman of “low” moral character.

No, really.  I swear.

I take issue with the whole idea that sluttiness revolves around the distinction between “high” and “low” character: slut = bad, and non-slut = good.

Consensual sex is a physical act, and it’s often recreational.  So if I’m not chastised for challenging Guy X to a tennis match on a first date, then why should I be considered morally bankrupt for sleeping with him on a first date?

In my humble opinion, morality shouldn’t be associated with sex in the first place.  Sluttiness should be delinked from any negative or positive connotations.

Think of it this way…  It’s a valid assumption that someone of “good” character wouldn’t betray his/her best friend.  But there is absolutely no reason to assume that someone of “good” character would refrain from having sex at arbitrary points in time — for no other reason than to avoid being labelled a slut.

I consider myself to be a loyal friend, devoted sister and generally considerate, caring person with a strong moral compass.  Why would sleeping with a guy on a first date negate these qualities about me?  It’s absurd and arbitrary.

Many assume that women who choose to have sex on the first-date are so incapable of moral judgment that they have sex on the first date for no other reason than to be a slut — as if first-date sex were the end-all and be-all of their dating lives.  I mean, come on.  Having sex on a first date hardly means that a lady indiscriminately dispenses her sexual favors!  And it certainly has nothing to do with her moral compunctions.

One of the few half-way decent things about the Parisian dating scene is that first-date sex has absolutely no moral implications.  All it means is that a couple’s sexual relationship started on the first date, as opposed to a later date.  (The French also have no notion of “dates” and “dating,” so in most cases, sex means that you’re essentially boyfriend-girlfriend — regardless of whether you have sex five hours or five months after you meet…  But that’s a tangential point that I’ll tackle on my own blog at some point.)

And yes, I’ve shaked and baked my lady bits on a first date.  But I always have sound — and amoral — reasons for doing so:

- My friend bribed and/or dared me.  (Ryan, you owe me an interpretive dance!)

- I’m bored.  (Hey, it’s better than sitting at home playing World of Warcraft, isn’t it?)

- I haven’t had sex in a very long time, and I am so randy that even the guy at the gym who looks like George Costanza is physically irresistible to me (true story).

- I probably won’t hear from him again, so why not at least get a one-night stand out of this?

- I feel a strong connection to the person, and perhaps I could contemplate the possibility of a long-term relationship with him, but who am I to turn down sex when presented with the opportunity RIGHT NOW?

- He is absurdly good-looking, and I would love to be able to brag to my posse about landing a guy who is way out of my league.

- I am off my face drunk enough to think that my purse is actually a giant toad and that sex is just a state of mind…  Eh I’ll just go with it.

Clearly, none of these reasons has anything to do with the “high-ness” or “low-ness” of my character.

Sure, you can presume that I’m a woman who suffers from commitment issues, an inability to think ahead, boredom, narcissism and/or alcoholism.  But none of this points toward any fundamental flaws in my MORAL reasoning.

Here’s my point:  If a woman has sex on the first date, I will concede that she may be a slut.  But why does that have to be a bad thing?  The OED isn’t infallible.

Why can’t we all just happily be sluts together?  The world would be a better place, people would have more sex, and they would likely be better at it.

I don’t know about you, but this slut is pretty content with her current situation.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.


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14 Comments for Confessions of a First-Date Slut
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SomethingSheDated

This post was Slutterific! Slutmazing? Slutsenational? you get the idea…

1. Because it was Awesome
2. Up until now I still haven’t been totally sure of my argument (I knew there was a good one out there but I hadn’t quite wrapped my head around it) for why it was totally acceptable…let me rephrase…completely fucking awesome…nope still something better…my damn RIGHT to fuck on the first date if I want to and have that not be considered a bad thing. This post gave it to me. I don’t know why I never stumbled on it before because if you ask anyone who knows me…you’d know that I’m a rule follower…HUGE fucking moral compass carrier so morals couldn’t possibly by my thing…but I digress this is it.
3. Because you managed to combine my two great loves: Literature (yes OED counts as literature…it’s words, words, words [Hamlet ref.]) and Sex (first date sex at that).
4. I’m sure there’s more reasons but this is all I got for now…Slutspectacular!!

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Samantha

Hands down, the best thing i’ve read online in a long time

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Elizabeth Rose

@man shopper – thanks so much for taking the time to share what is a nigh on fool proof argument for first date sex if the mood so takes me.
Also, this post has left me with a feeling of absolute certainty that we should have a night out drinking and interpretative dancing – because it would be awesome.

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Classic Ruby

Obviously you’ve made an extremely good point…that we in North America tend to overuse and bastardize words so thoughtlessly that often time the implications and truth of what is actually meant is entirely lost.

Being a “slut” in the way in which I think we actually use the word (I mean in the bad way) has nothing to do with first-date sex, having sex often, or having had lots of sexual partners. I think when most people use the word slut they’re referring to women who have no respect for their bodies and therefore let any man ‘use’ their body for their own sexual gratification. Not women who engage in sex with someone because they truly enjoy it and want to be equally satisfied, but women who allow their worth and any attention they receive from the opposite sex to be based on how easily they’ll spread their legs and ‘satisfy’ him, regardless of his actual thoughts, feelings or perceptions of her, or hers for that matter.

I think they’re also speaking of women who have lax practices – don’t practice safe sex, aren’t too focused on hygiene, go to a party to perform for a train of men (and they call that Tuesday) etc. etc.

I think if any woman engages in sexual activity for her own satisfaction and enjoyment, knows and appreciates her body and all the ways in which is can work for her and make her VERY happy, demands respect not just sexually but otherwise in the relationships she has with people, and most importantly knows herself and doesn’t do anything that makes her feel like she’s done something wrong, then she could never be classified as a slut.

I LOVE this sex on the first date series, I’ve really been enjoying it!

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Sam Sharpe

@man shopper,

Great post. I think you’re a blog writing super hero.

@ Classic Ruby

We love that you LOVE this series.

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jackie

This one was knocked out of the park. Truly eloquent and logical, but still humorous. Love your writing style ManShopper; you do sluts the world over proud!

oxo
jfb

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KB IN NYC

LOVED this post! Totally slutterfic as SSD put it.

Seriously though, I feel like you covered everything I could possibly have to say on the matter, and far more eloquently. Every single reason you gave for getting your lady bits out – oh my, been there and done that. I call it living.

Thing is, women like sex too. And sometimes, we just want (need) to romp. Just like men. And as a single woman, if I was to wait for true love and a real relationship I wouldn’t have got laid in years. Seriously.

“Here’s my point: If a woman has sex on the first date, I will concede that she may be a slut. But why does that have to be a bad thing? The OED isn’t infallible”.

Amen to that Man Shopper.

XKB

PS I love the French attitude to the whole dating/ sex thing. I look foward to reading more.

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Hey Lady!

I know it’s been said a million times, but I’m still annoyed that men can have sex on the first date and they’re given “high fives” and women do it and are labeled “slut”.

Great post, as most of your posts are Man-Shopper. I think you’re on to something perhaps e can all get together and “take back the word “slut” make it mean something else. It doesn’t have to mean “low moral character”. In fact I don’t think I have ever used it to mean that, nor have I heard anyone use it that way.

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Man-shopper

Thank you all so much for all the love!

SSD – I am loving the new “slutcabulary” that you’ve come up with. You, my dear, are also slutacularly amazing!

Samantha – Thank you so much for the compliment, you flatter me!

Elizabeth Rose – Drinking and interpretive dancing? Done and done. I get the feeling that this could be epic.

Classic Ruby – It’s so interesting to see how the word “slut” can be used so many ways… I didn’t realize the other uses for it that you brought up! And I definitely agree with you that a woman can’t be classified as a slut when she engages in sexual activity with her self-respect fully intact.

Sam Sharpe and Jackie – Aw shucks, the men in my real life never say such nice things to me :)

KB IN NYC – I’m so glad that you liked the post! And I will try to get my act together and prepare some more anthropological musings on French dating rituals soon…

Hey Lady! – Thanks, lady! I’m glad that you’re on board with my Take Back the Slut campaign :)

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Ms. First Date Slut « Man-shopping in Paris

[...] But all the same, I was honored and flattered to be included in the company of awesomeness at Met Another Frog.  If you’d like to read my confessions of a first date slut, click here. [...]

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Annabelle

I think I’ve been using the word so long that it no longer has any sexual connotation whatsoever. If someone does something I dislike, male or female, they are automatically tagged a slut.

I DO love the definition “a troublesome or awkward creature”. I think that should be my Blogger About Me.

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Skinny Dip

AMEN TO THAT.

I’m totally with you here. I’ve never understood how sex (something that stems from a biological natural drive) somehow got mixed up with morality in the first place. I’ve also never understood why there is all this discussion about WOMEN who have sex on the first date. Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about MEN who have sex on the first date? Why are their morals never put under scrutiny?! As my Mom used to always say, “it takes two to tango”.

-fellow slut

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gail

“Why can’t we all just happily be sluts together? The world would be a better place, people would have more sex, and they would likely be better at it.”

fucking hilarious! I know it’s a little soon in our relationship but I love you for saying this!!

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Caleb

Sluts!

Right or wrong, most of the sluts I know are pretty fun. Even if slut=bad, then who wants to be good? Boring. Men created the term so that we could do whatever we want while controlling you females through social mores.

We’re sneaky like that.

But you’re on to us, so I say we abandon this attack and come up with a new one (I have ideas). We’re all sluts and people sleep together cuz, well, they just like fuckin’.

I will say though, from the perspective of a moderately handsome egomaniac, that I prefer and respect a woman a bit more if she denies me for a date or two. If she can resist MY charms and advances for a couple of dates, then surely she’s safe from hooking up behind my back with some dude, right? We’ll bitch about not getting laid (we bitch about everything) but if you really like a guy you’re probably better holding out. At least a little bit.

Good post!

PS I like beer

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