The Truth and Nothing But The Truth

Posted by: Sam Sharpe    Tags:  , , ,     Posted date:  June 7, 2010  |  13 Comments


June 7, 2010


SAM SHARPE

I should come with a warning label, a proviso for any woman interested in dating/f***ing/m****ing me. The tag attached to my shirt should read:

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WARNING. THIS MAN WILL TELL YOU GOD’S HONEST (0r at least his) TRUTH AT ALL TIMES. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

I blame it on two pillars of my upbringing (the bible and my mother) combined with my paranoid nature. See, I read so many bible stories as a child (Don’t look back, you’ll turn into a pillar of salt you disobedient, lying, whoring, wastrel of a man) and lived in such fear of my mother’s almighty wrath (Sam, don’t lie to me. Lying is a sin, an abomination unto the Lord) that I would report all my misdeeds to my mother in hopes of preempting punishment.

All these years later, I recognize that I’m probably beyond salvation, if you believe in that sort of"the truth hurts" thing. Regardless, a funny thing happened as I matured into manhood. I continued to sin (I’m particularly fond of the fornicating part). In fact I’ve accepted my worldly and mortal sins as part of my package – part of my charm if you will. But whereas the pint sized version of myself told the truth in order to lessen punishment, present day moi tells the “truth” with impunity, with relish, with reckless abandon.

Years of dating and observing women hasn’t changed that. In fact my tendency to tell the truth in almost all circumstances has led me inexorably to one conclusion:

Women often do not want to hear the truth from their man/husband/stucky/side t’ing.

Mi compadre Elisabeth Rose gave an eloquent assessment of this issue in yesterday’s post. As an addendum to this, I’m providing a few examples of questions (Q) that I’ve been asked by women, what it is they really wanted to hear (A) followed by my actual responses (SSA).

Q. Where do we stand (and/or all it’s variants, i.e. where are we going, do you see a future for us)?

A. I’m committed to building a future with you.

SSA. Look, I told you I’m not interested in a serious relationship right now. If that’s what you’re looking for you’re wasting your time with me.

Q. What are you thinking about right now?

A. You. How lucky I am to have you in my life.

SSA. Trying to figure out if I’m going to have bacon or ham with my waffles.

Q. Were you checking her out?

A. No way baby. How dare you even ask that? I was looking at the dress she was wearing and thinking it would look so much better on you.

SSA. Are you kidding? Of course! Did you see that ass?

Q. Do I look fat in this? ***

A. This is a trick question. As ER already pointed out, the woman posing this question already knows the answer. If you tell her the truth, you’re a rude and insensitive man. If you lie and tell her no, she’ll privately and perpetually question your judgment. So much so, that your response(s) will be super-scrutinized when she subsequently asks a question like this:

Would you sleep with (insert name of hot best friend/co-worker/celebrity here)?

On a related note, just last week, Annik, a lovely woman that I’ve spent some time with over the last little while asked me this question:

Which of my friends would you sleep with?

With my reputation for straight talk, there was really only one answer:

All of them.

Ladies, if you’re not prepared to hear that, you shouldn’t be asking the question.

***I always answer this one truthfully. ***


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Sam Sharpe
Lover of fine liquor, music and women...not necessarily in that order.



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13 Comments for The Truth and Nothing But The Truth
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Elizabeth Rose

Oh Sam! It’s posts like this that remind me of ALL the reasons we are friends.
“All of them.” – snorted my coffee over the keyboard to that one. Keep on sinning!

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Sam Sharpe

Thanks for the love ER. Will do my best to keep on sinning.

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max

I’m simultaneously aroused and horrified at your answers Sam Sharpe.

And that picture is priceless.

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Shans

Sam, you just reminded me of why I spend whole days reading old froggy blogs – Ms. Skye loves to communicate and never beats around the bush, Ms. Rose appreciates that a slut is a thing to be proud of and you dear Sam always spread the truth.

Ladies if you’re asking a question you’re afraid to hear the answer to – try asking yourself why you need an answer to that question.

xx
S

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SomethingSheDated

Okay so this is a little off topic…and feel free to mock me after…but for the life of me I can’t figure out what

m****ing is supposed to stand for? The best I could come up with is “milking” as in…badger milk…etc.etc.etc. but well I’m not satisfied…please fill in asertisks for my educational purposes :P

PS… awesome post…and this my friends is why I never ask the questions in the first place.

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Shans

@SSD Marrying? That’s what I thought… if it is it’s pretty funny.

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Sam Sharpe

@ Something She Dated…

I would never mock you…I did that intentionally and was curious to see how many people would know what it stood for…

…and Shans was right, it does stand for marrying. See, in my current frame of mind “marry” is a bad word.

Cheers

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Man-shopper

I couldn’t figure out m****ing either. My first thought was mamboing. And then I spent 20 minutes trying to google a dirty connotation for mamboing. Just FYI, if you google “mambo sexual dirty”, it’s surprisingly disappointing. I was shocked, since if you google something completely innocuous-sounding like “Asian girl”, ALL the top hits are porn-related.

Damn, now I’m off topic. I meant to compliment Sir Sam Sharpe on his great post. Who can argue with a man who uses a great word like “wastrel”? You are a blackguard, sir, and I love it.

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Sam Sharpe

“Who can argue with a man who uses a great word like “wastrel”?”

@ man shopper

You noticed!!! (said with a squeaky 12 year old boy voice) You have now “officially” cracked my “unofficial” list of favourite lady bloggers…I love words and any person who loves words is top class in my books…

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Classic Ruby

I’m with you on this one. I’m a truth whore, seriously. I can’t help but tell the truth. In my mind, it makes more sense for me to just out with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth rather than any bells and whistles answer someone may want to hear. As the saying goes, one lie begets another, and soon pretty much every damn thing out of your mouth is a lie, all in support of the first lie you told. So, just be honest.

Of course, people learn very quickly just not to be around me and never carelessly ask me a question that they don’t really want the answer to. But for me, I want to hard, cold, evil sounding truth from everyone about everything at all times. That way, not only do I know what people in my universe actually think of me, but I know that anything that’s said about me that’s nice or complimentary is actually from the heart of for real.

Its kinda like the poor saps on American Idol who you KNOW had no business auditioning seriously…but someone LIED to them because they were trying not to hurt their feelings, not realizing that this person was not only tone deaf but had lost their damn mind a long time ago and were fishing for an answer as to whether or not they should publicly humiliate themselves by sharing their “special talent” with the world. When you function in a world based on open honesty you NEVER EVER would find yourself in that position, no matter HOW delusional you became…because even if you can’t hear that you suck your peoples already told you that you do. And that YES you look VERY fat in that dress!

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Sam Sharpe

@Classic Ruby,

Here, here!

Another thing about lying is that it’s very time consuming…It just seems exhausting always trying to decipher someone’s intentions or remember what I said to whom when they asked me about where I was and why…I want to focus my energy on other things…

…like sex.

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Violet

After reading Max’s Post
& commenting on each of his points I’ve got to say I’d so much rather date/F*** you.

I’ve only been single for a very small portion of my life, but always vet possible dates with the question ” If my ass looks fat would you tell me?”

If I can’t put some trust & faith in you I don’t even want to know you, let alone get involved with you.

Most Importantly with the ‘where do you see this going?/What are you looking for?’
If I know your just in it for the one night, well I’ll make the most of that one night! & also won’t waste time emotionally investing in you as that simply leads to heart ache & general mess – also often stalkers lol.

I’m more likely to sleep with a guy that says hes just there for that night, than one who declares his love for me (unless the love is professed over a time span & I reciprocate) – & the one night guy is almost like a challenge for me to be so amazing that he can’t live without me.

Just FYI, My last one night stand lasted 15 yrs, whilst the one who professed his love – got one really crappy performance for just the one night!

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Sam Sharpe

@ Violet.

“After reading Max’s Post & commenting on each of his points I’ve got to say I’d so much rather date/F*** you.”

Thank you. By the way, Max is a girl.

“Just FYI, My last one night stand lasted 15 yrs, whilst the one who professed his love – got one really crappy performance for just the one night!”

I think this is really cool and affirming to read. Bravo to you and your 15 year “one night stand”.

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