June 7, 2010
I should come with a warning label, a proviso for any woman interested in dating/f***ing/m****ing me. The tag attached to my shirt should read:
WARNING. THIS MAN WILL TELL YOU GOD’S HONEST (0r at least his) TRUTH AT ALL TIMES. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
I blame it on two pillars of my upbringing (the bible and my mother) combined with my paranoid nature. See, I read so many bible stories as a child (Don’t look back, you’ll turn into a pillar of salt you disobedient, lying, whoring, wastrel of a man) and lived in such fear of my mother’s almighty wrath (Sam, don’t lie to me. Lying is a sin, an abomination unto the Lord) that I would report all my misdeeds to my mother in hopes of preempting punishment.
All these years later, I recognize that I’m probably beyond salvation, if you believe in that sort of thing. Regardless, a funny thing happened as I matured into manhood. I continued to sin (I’m particularly fond of the fornicating part). In fact I’ve accepted my worldly and mortal sins as part of my package – part of my charm if you will. But whereas the pint sized version of myself told the truth in order to lessen punishment, present day moi tells the “truth” with impunity, with relish, with reckless abandon.
Years of dating and observing women hasn’t changed that. In fact my tendency to tell the truth in almost all circumstances has led me inexorably to one conclusion:
Women often do not want to hear the truth from their man/husband/stucky/side t’ing.
Mi compadre Elizabeth Rose gave an eloquent assessment of this issue in yesterday’s post. As an addendum to this, I’m providing a few examples of questions (Q) that I’ve been asked by women, what it is they really wanted to hear (A) followed by my actual responses (SSA).
Q. Where do we stand (and/or all it’s variants, i.e. where are we going, do you see a future for us)?
A. I’m committed to building a future with you.
SSA. Look, I told you I’m not interested in a serious relationship right now. If that’s what you’re looking for you’re wasting your time with me.
Q. What are you thinking about right now?
A. You. How lucky I am to have you in my life.
SSA. Trying to figure out if I’m going to have bacon or ham with my waffles.
Q. Were you checking her out?
A. No way baby. How dare you even ask that? I was looking at the dress she was wearing and thinking it would look so much better on you.
SSA. Are you kidding? Of course! Did you see that ass?
Q. Do I look fat in this? ***
A. This is a trick question. As ER already pointed out, the woman posing this question already knows the answer. If you tell her the truth, you’re a rude and insensitive man. If you lie and tell her no, she’ll privately and perpetually question your judgment. So much so, that your response(s) will be super-scrutinized when she subsequently asks a question like this:
Would you sleep with (insert name of hot best friend/co-worker/celebrity here)?
On a related note, just last week, Annik, a lovely woman that I’ve spent some time with over the last little while asked me this question:
Which of my friends would you sleep with?
With my reputation for straight talk, there was really only one answer:
All of them.
Ladies, if you’re not prepared to hear that, you shouldn’t be asking the question.
***I always answer this one truthfully. ***