June 10, 2010

A Guest Post by MAX-LOGIC

Ah women and the truth…it’s a relationship more fraught than the Capulets and the Montagues, the Jets and the Sharks, the Crips and the Bloods. Not that we gals will admit it of course. See we like to delude ourselves by proclaiming that honesty is one of the most important characteristics a man can have while leaving out the huge caveat:

“…as long as it doesn’t hurt my feelings”.

Did you get that? Let me say it again: we want you to tell us the truth but we don’t want you to hurt our feelings.

If you’re asking yourself “how the f*ck am I supposed to do that?” you’re not alone. Most men never master this trick and instead opt for bold-faced lying in response to difficult questions. And women, trained as we are in the art of sniffing out falsehoods, invariably catch you. Which leads to arguments and withholding of sex, which is no fun for anyone.  Luckily for you, I – the perfect hybrid of woman and man – have devised a foolproof  solution to this issue.

Now I know my friend Sam Sharpe gave you the rundown of how he avoids the bold-faced lie and instead answers common relationship questions with unbridled honesty, but I don’t advise that course of action for the faint of heart. Not only does complete honesty require a strong constitution to deal with all the fall-out, but you also have to be able to spot a swindle disguised as an innocent question. So for my men out there who are not named after super-heroes, here is your cheat sheet for avoiding these common relationship minefields:

1. How do I look?
Most of the time when your woman asks you a question about her looks, it’s a trap. She’s looking for a gas-up, not an honest answer. So if your woman walks into a room after an hour of prep-work and asks you how she looks, your answer can only be this: “great”.

And I can hear your little puss brains buzzing right now with your buts…

But what if she really doesn’t look good in what she has on?
But what if there’s something else I would prefer her to wear?
But what if what she’s wearing is not appropriate?

Yeah in all these scenarios your answer is still “great”.

If you really want her to change her clothes, try reverse psychologizing her. Say something like “no baby that looks great. No really. At first I was thinking you should wear that black thing but this is a million times better. For real”. Then leave the room and start watching highlights. She’ll be out in 0.02 seconds wearing that black thing and you’ve avoided an argument.

2. Where is this relationship going?

Another one where she’s looking for something other than the truth. In this case, it’s reassurance she’s after, so rather than giving her the truth raw dog i.e. “nowhere”, “the bedroom”, “I never thought about it” or “I’m using you to get over my ex”, try a little evasion.  A line like “I’m enjoying spending time with you and want to see what happens” covers up a multitude of sins and saves you from a big long conversation about your relationship.

3. Which one of my friends would you f*ck?

If you answer this question truthfully I will hunt you down like a dog and kill you. What she’s really asking you here is which of her friends it’s not safe to leave you alone with and I promise you – if you give her the idea that you’ve even remotely considered slamming one of her friends you will never hear the end of it.

The correct answer here is something evasive like “Hmm…I never really thought about it, but probably none of them. They’re not really my type”. Then for God’s sake start kissing on her or something to distract her before she can call you on the ridiculousness of your statement.

4. Did you f*ck her?

This is a tricky one because she could be looking for reassurance, but more than likely she is setting a trap for you. If you slammed the girl in question, you have two choices: evade – which is tricky and unlikely to work – or deny. As my buddy Dr. Jay says, Deny, deny, deny…at least until you’ve ascertained what her motivation is for asking the question. Remember that if you start out with a lie you can always come back with the truth, but if you open with the truth you’ve got nowhere to go.

Oh and of course if by some chance your answer is no, you’re golden. Go ahead and tell her the truth.

5. How often do you jerk off/watch porn?

Now you’re probably thinking, but Max why do I have to lie about this? What’s the big deal? But it’s a tricky one. For some women this won’t be an issue at all  – I personally don’t rate a man who doesn’t watch porn and/or masturbate on a regular – but if your girl is asking the question, the wrong answer will be a big deal. Telling your girl that you jerk off daily or watch porn hourly is more than likely going to result in her thinking you’re not satisfied by her. Which will then lead to her becoming self-conscious in bed. Which will decrease the quality and frequency of sex. So do yourself a big favour and try some creative accounting: take your number, subtract 7, and divide it in half.

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There you go guys. Memorize these answers and you will never be caught off-guard by your woman’s tongue-lashing with nothing to say for yourself but “I thought you wanted my honest answer?!?”

Trust me, you’ll be thanking me later.

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