June 20, 2010

SAM SHARPE

I get mad when you walk away (don’t walk away)
So I tell you leave, when I mean stay

–‘Sweetest Thing’ by Lauryn Hill

My childhood friend Mikey always said that women were just flat out irrational and illogical. Too dependent on their emotions he’d say. Can’t trust ‘em. They should never be CEO’s or run countries. Running a household was as much responsibility as they should have. That was Mikey’s stance and he wasn’t budging. To be fair, Mikey had women do and say the craziest shit in order to get with or stay with him. Or to push his buttons.

As for myself, I’ve got to be honest. I think women are bat-shit crazy. Maybe I’m too much of a man to wrap my head around thought processes that differ from my own brain and cock centred logic, but more often than not women leave me scratching my heads. I mean all women. My mother, my sister, my aunts, my cousins and women I’ve dated. Especially ones I’ve dated.

I had one girlfriend break up with me because I wouldn’t fight with her. Note that I didn’t say I wouldn’t argue with her. Those who know me, know just how argumentative I can be. She broke it off because I refused to have prolonged and protracted fights over things like the correct way to make tea or the colour of Alex Trebek’s moustache. Things that just aren’t important when you’re 21, fresh out of university, underemployed and still living in your momma’s basement.

I had another girlfriend start a yelling match with me in a bookstore because I didn’t introduce her to Mikey as my girlfriend, I only called her name. Never mind the fact that as one of my closest friends Mikey already knew all about her, so he didn’t need to know her title or job description.

Then there was the girl who had the meltdown in the mall while trying to buy a new skirt. Seemed she didn’t like the fit. Wanted to know what I thought. When I told her it looked okay, everything became un-okay. It became a “you’re so mean, so inconsiderate and so inattentive” conversation. I was the devil apparently. There were tears and recriminations. Pointed fingers and accusations. I didn’t know what to do as we roamed the cavernous shopping mall. In a panic I offered to buy her ice cream. She always liked ice cream. I knew it. She knew it. Everyone who knew her knew it. However, this gesture was interpreted as some indication that she was fat or an invitation to get fat or…frankly all these years later I’m not sure what happened but offering to get her an ice cream cone (did I mention how much she looooooved ice cream?) was interpreted as an act of aggression.

But here’s the piece de resistance. In the aftermath of my grandmother’s death, my friends wanted to take me out for drinks to help ease the pain. After all, just like everyone who knows me they knew how I close I was to my grandmother. Anyway, my then girlfriend threw a fit. She wanted to spend the night with me. I told her I was going out with the boys and that I would see her the next day. She said that I should be with her instead of my friends. I said that wasn’t going to happen. She said that I was an asshole. I said maybe I am, but I’m still going out with the boys. With a voice filled with rage she said, “fine don’t call me anymore”. So I didn’t. Two weeks later she called me wanting to know why I hadn’t called her.

Sweetest woman in the world,
Could be the meanest woman in the world
If you make her that way.

–“It’s a Thin Line Between Love and Hate” by The Persuaders

I’m generally a good guy, but I’ve done some dirt in my time. I’ve ignored phone calls or didn’t call when I said I would. I’ve been out on the town drinking with the boys when she’s at home by herself. I’ve been “sometimeish” with my affections. At times I’ve been a shitty boyfriend. And when you’re a shitty boyfriend you can’t expect your lady to be sweet like sugar all the time.

That’s the thing about calling women emotional, illogical and irrational. They might be, but how these things manifest themselves can often be determined by how you treat the woman or treat the situation. Take my friend Mikey, president of the women are emotional, illogical and irrational school of thought. Mikey never met a woman he didn’t want to flirt with—even if he had a girlfriend. Nor did Mikey really know what it meant to be faithful. Or to commit.

In fact Mikey treated the woman he wasn’t with better than the woman he was with. All the time. So it kind of goes without saying that there are going to be some trust issues there. Or some emotion. Some illogic. And a lack of rationality.

Now this isn’t to excuse batshit crazy women (which based on my own unscientific and wholly anecdotal experience is roughly…all of you). But the thing is even though in my gut, in my heart of hearts, in that part of my being that governs my emotions I think women are crazy, my logical, rational man brain tells me this can’t be true. Or the entire story.

Anyway. Many moons ago my brother was venting to me about the latest in a long line of women to frustrate him with crazy, logically inconsistent and emotional behaviour.

“I just don’t get it” he said “what the f*** is wrong with women, why the f*** do I even bother?”

My response was simple. And maybe the “truest” thing I’ve ever said.

“Dude, our job isn’t to understand women. It’s to love and respect them as best we can. Period. Leave the understanding to someone else.”

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