June 25, 2010

SKYE BLUE

I have a confession. A few weeks ago due to some intense lust/like I was feeling I broke my number one dating rule – no dating younger men. Silly as it may seem to some of you this rule has served me well for much of my dating life. In any case, against my better judgment I decided to date this 30 year old guy, who I’m going to call The Kid (you’ll see why in a minute), who I’d been crushing on for over a year.

We ended up going out about half a dozen times and every date was great. He was always a gentleman, super polite and attentive. Our dates would usually start off with some intense conversation about the events of the day, our writing, and/or books we loved, followed by some solid make out sessions. Besides his being a bit coquettish between our dates, it seemed The Kid liked being around me as much as I enjoyed being with him. I was just about ready to pitch my longstanding and for the most part unwavering rule about dating young dudes out the window, until the night he earned his name. The night he sent me the following text…

.

TK: Hey sweetie how u doing. I’m here with my boy eating some food. I wanted to see your sweet self tonight. I promise to be a good boy. I will do anything u ask. Hope you had a good night so far.

WTF? (FYI: When I received the text I’m sure I read it a few hundred times. I was that confused. The Kid never ever spoke to me like that and sexting – even something as soft core as what appeared on my screen that night – was so not his style.) Maybe he’s drunk? What to do? Hmmm…Play along and see what happens next?

Skye: Re your promise, I hope you mean that becuz I plan to test your limits the next time we meet.

TK: My limits are your limits. Life is too short. With that said u have to show me what u want me to do and in return do for me as I do for u. Tonight is a night I would do and touch anything in any way u need me to. I hope your panties are wet for me with all your love juice.

.

PAUSE.

.

Did he really just write that?? No one is going to believe this shit. I gotta tell…Max.

So I called Max and read her his message. She LHFAO, declared that The Kid’s text was an “epic fail and the “lamest thing she’d heard in a long time”, and then asked me, “What you going to do next?”

“Call him and find out what all this mess is about.”

“Okay, but make sure you call me back after you talk to him. I’m sure it’s going to be a great story.”

So I hung up and called The Kid.

“Hey Skye, what’s up?”

“Hi. I’m calling because you’ve been sending me some strange text messages. What gives?” I asked him.

(Pay attention folks – it starts to get real good right about here.)

“Seriously? Well, my friend is with me and he had my phone, so I’ll ask him.”

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you in grade 5? “Okay, so he had your phone, but out of all your contacts why would he choose to text me?”

“I don’t kno—” The Kid started to say, but he was cut off by another male voice that came booming through the phone. Apparently I was on speaker.

“Hey, I don’t know how to use no iPhone. I was telling him what to type to you,” the friend (whose name to this day I still don’t know) said, laughing real loudly.

FML. Have I landed on Planet Stupid tonight? “Uh huh. I figured something was up, because The Kid doesn’t talk to me like that.”

Well who told me to say that? The Kid’s friend who didn’t know me from Adam, but obviously felt we were real cool, had the nerve to respond with…

“Oh no? I’ll have to school him then.”

Vexed, I opened my mouth to speak, but Ythe Kid who apparently still thought this was all fun and games (but that’s generally what kids think about life right?) spoke first.

“Skye, you need another blogger? Want some good stuff for your site? You should check my friend here.”

This really isn’t happening is it? I took a deep breath and said, “We’re good thanks, but do you guys think women really fall for that kind of shit?”

“You’d be surprised how many  do, Skye.” The Kid said, peevishly.

I looked up at the ceiling high above me. Thank you Lord for giving me the sense not to bone his childish ass. “Really? That’s funny, because my girl thought it was lame too.”

“What?!?! Why you got to tell your friends everything?” The Kid said, sounding indignant.

Who the fuck is this boy? Lord, where is the MAN I was crushing so hard on who was witty, charming and seemingly intelligent? Bring him back, PLEASE!

Then the Kid’s Friend chimed in again. “Oh yeah, you in a catch 22 now girl huh? Getting the text and telling your friend his business.”

Excuse me asshole, have we met? I ignored Mr. Asshole and said, “Kid, you’re telling me that you think it’s okay for you and your boy to sit in your car and joke about the stupid-ness you’re texting me, but I can’t share the joke with my friend? Get over yourself guy.”

“Oooo boy. She’s a fiery one. You’re going to have a good time with her tonight,” his friend said laughing even louder than he did the first time.

Oh no he didn’t? Why is he still talking? And more importantly why is The Kid allowing him to speak to me like that? By then people, I was about ready to climb through the phone and choke somebody.

The Kid, who to his credit finally seemed to notice that I was about to tear both him and his friend new ones, rushed to end the call. “Look Skye, can we talk later? I’ll call you later okay?”

“Whatever.” I mumbled and then hung up the phone.

As I laid my head down on my pillow to get catch some Z’s the texts and the conversation that followed was all I could think about. I mean I’d received more than a few drunken phone and text messages in my time, but nothing that compared to The Kid’s performance that night. How could a grown ass man be so easily influenced by his friend to do something so stupid? And if The Kid had actually sent those texts after being told what to type by his friend, Mr. Asshole, he was obviously a moron. The only question was how did he hide that fact from me for so long? And why did he allow his boy to talk to me like I was some dumbass chick? And just what had he told the man about me to warrant his “You’re going to have a good time with her tonight” comment? People, I was seething.

Needless to say it took me forever to fall asleep, and when I woke up bleary-eyed and unrested the next morning I was still bent. So I picked up my phone and sent The Kid a text message stating the following:

“Sorry it had to end like this. Thanks for the time spent and please feel free NOT to contact me again.”

A week and a half passed before The Kid, aka Lame Ass, sent me another text message that read…

“You have to read a book called Crush It – all about blogging and social media. You’ll thank me latr.”

Riiiiight.

Although I thought about thanking him for his message with a heartfelt “FUCK YOU!” I didn’t bother. After all, as my girl Michie says, silence is often the best closure. The Kid and all the man-children out there like him are officially off the list. As a direct result of his near infantile behaviour I’ve reinstated my rule about not dating younger men, with a corollary:

I, Skye Blue, will not date younger men – happily use them for practice (like my girl Jess intends to this summer), yes – but NEVER EVER will I date them.

Just sayin’.

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