A Guest Post by JAMI

I was super excited when Skye asked me if I’d be interested in guest posting here. Then she said that July was “Fringe Month Two”. Listen, I’m so far away from fringe that I didn’t even know what it was. I’m thinking, “Like saddles and whips fringe? For a whole month? I think you’ll run out of things to talk about.” Then she explained that by fringe she meant kink. And at the sound of the word, my green eyes popped open so wide you could see the white on the top and bottom of my iris. Uhhm… Kinky? I may be foul-mouthed and sex-forward and maybe something of a slut but, me? Kinky? Hardly.

I’ve never been tied up. I’ve never worn leather on anything other than my feet or a jacket. The only time I’ve worn a mask has been on Halloween and that is only because I’m short enough that, when wearing a mask, I can get away with Trick or Treating (don’t judge me!).

Then it dawned on me: I love butt secks. And, according to the majority of my female friends, that’s pretty damned kinky.

Now, don’t worry your pretty little head, Vanilla Girl. Contrary to what you might think, anal sex is not a gateway drug to genital piercing or sticking electrodes up your boy toy’s wang. I pinky swear. With the right attitude, partner and lube you too can stand proudly with your hands on your hips and your beautiful boobies erect and say…

“I’m a Vanilla Girl and I love butt secks.”

Now, brace yourselves. We’re going to talk about poop. And your ass. And it might a little uncomfortable. I promise to go slow. That’s what she said.

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1. First things first – Get over your fear of poop.

Yes, it’s your poop shooter. Yes, poop is stinky and gross to you, Vanilla Girl. No, the last thing you want is for your first time to result in your man’s dick looking like a brown cow and you crying hysterically from embarrassment. But guess what? Shit happens. Chances are if your man really wants to make his love-stick disappear into your sweet cheeks, he realizes that shit happens, too.

I’ve been a connoisseur of butt secks for about a decade and I can list only two incidences that occurred with partners where poop appeared. And, looking back, they’re some of my most hilarious and memorable sexual experiences ever. Embarrassing? Sure. A big deal? Nope.

Here’s your Duh Lesson: You colon holds your poop until you expel it. A healthy colon will send your poops packing and be pretty much clear on the inside. When you’re not eating healthy, your poop will stick to the walls and cause peanut butter or playdough factory poops. You want the kind that are “invisible” meaning, when you wipe, there’s little to nothing on the paper.

Fear of Shit Tip: Eat healthy. Get regular. And know that if you’re wiping and you’ve got peanut butter smear, it’s probably best to wait a day and eat some leafy greens before you attempt to go there. In my experience, a good poop a few hours before you wanna make a go at it will clear your shitter from um, shit.

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2. Choose Your Lube Wisely

I’ve tried lots of different kinds of lubes and your preferences will likely change over time and under new partners. God, I remember when I first started experimenting with butt secks with my friend Alex. I was eighteen and he was just as inexperienced as me and we used VASELINE! Miiiiistake! Seriously, live and learn. Or read this and learn from me.

Thankfully, the makers of everything slippery have caught up with the masses and there are literally dozens of lubes you can try. My personal favorite is AstroGlide. From their website,

“Astroglide’s unique formula is water-based, water-soluble and designed to mimic the body’s natural fluids. Astroglide makes condom use more enjoyable and makes safer sex a reality.”

What this translates to is this: When the lube starts to dry out you can spit on it and it will reactivate. (Plus, that’s also kind of hot and kinky, right? Live a little, you dirty girl!) And, when you’re done, a quick shower will get your body squeaky clean. I also appreciate that Astroglide is manufactured in an FDA approved facility by a medical products manufacturer and not by some guy with a hairy chest in his basement with a perpetual porn track in the background. That said my fave-gay said to me, “But lord have mercy, woman, why would you recommend Astroglide?” So, try different brands until you find the one you love. It’s like the Pepsi Challenge, but with lots of slippery sexy.