August 25, 2010

SKYE BLUE

Now that I’ve immersed myself in the world of dating blogs, I  realize that many women go through many of the same things I experience in my quest for a good online date.  Most of us have had more than our fair share of boring, bad or straight up disturbing dates; the lucky among us have had a few outstanding dates; and there are even a few of us who have met and married their husbands through an online dating sites. But one thing I know for sure is that virtually all of us have had a date with someone where there was absolutely no chemistry – I’m talking ZERO, ZILCH, NADA. For those of you who’ve been there, you’ll understand when I say…

.

Zero. Chemistry. Hurts.

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Picture it. You’re at home feeling a little bored one night and decide to check out who’s on POF. As you peruse the pictures of available men, someone sends you an IM. You look at his picture, carefully read his profile and then decide he’s worthy of your time. To your surprise and delight, your chat over IM is so interesting that within in an hour or so the two of you are talking on the phone. You end up speaking with him for hours, and before you end the call a face-to-face meeting is scheduled for the very next day.

You’re absolutely stoked about meeting him and it seems he feels the same way. As you crawl into bed you tell yourself that the conversation wouldn’t have gone so well if he wasn’t a great guy. Could it be I’ve finally found one who’s not a frog? You sigh and shake your head as you turn out the light. Just be cool. It’s always sunshine and rainbows in the beginning. Just focus on having a great first date and be cool.

The next day as planned you hustle to the coffee shop, the agreed meeting place, right after work. As you step through the door you feel almost faint with anticipation. You take a seat close to the door so he won’t miss you when he comes in. You can’t wait until he walks through the door and your eyes meet. You just know it’s going to a perfect date. Then…

.

He arrives and all your giddy anticipation rushes out the door as it closes behind him. He is the same, but somehow different from his pictures. Much less attractive in some way you can’t put your finger on. The sheen of near perfection you saw in his online profile, read in his IMs and heard in his voice dissipate into thin air as soon as he spots you and lopes toward your table.

Unfortunately, he’s REALLY excited to see you as evidenced by his leaning in for a hug. You respond by angling your body away from his, while extending your limp hand for a weak handshake. Thankfully, he hardly notices because he’s so ‘blissed out’ at the chance to talk with you face to face. He offers to buy you a coffee and you just nod. When he asks you what type? You blurt, “Whatever you’re having,” because you just need him to leave you alone for a minute so you can collect your thoughts.

In spite of your best efforts to regain some semblance of composure, when he returns to your table coffee in hand, it seems your voice and wits are still firmly locked up inside of your brain. You sit there in silence as he begins his monologue, wondering how you didn’t notice his ________ (insert your own descriptor here – gangliness, bad teeth, droning voice, or what can only be described as a school girl’s giggle that punctuates the end of each sentence that comes out of his mouth). Each time he leans in to speak you feel yourself recoiling and the general disdain you’re feeling makes it hard for you to comprehend what he is saying.

Eventually (because, despite what the atheists say there is a God) he stops droning on long enough to notice how unresponsive and quiet you are, nothing like your phone persona.

‘What happened to the funny, charming woman I spoke to on the phone?’ he asks. ‘I thought we would have fun together.’

‘I thought so too,’ you say through tightly clenched teeth and barely parted lips.

He clears his throat and starts fidgeting in his seat. He now looks just as uncomfortable as you feel. He picks up his cup and gulps down the remainder of his coffee. Then he says, ‘Hey, maybe we should go?’ followed up by yet another nervous school girl giggle.

Why didn’t I think to say that first? ‘Uh huh.’

As you get up from your seats and walk towards the door he turns to you and says, ‘I guess no hug now, as all I got was a handshake when I arrived?’

Again you muster up the courage to touch him, and extend your limp hand. This time you feel your stomach convulse as your hand connects with his. Once you are out on the street, you thank him for a nice evening and then make your escape.

As soon as you’re a safe distance away from him clear thoughts begin to flow through your mind once more. You pull your cell phone out of your pocket and call your best friend to tell her your sad truth.

“No he wasn’t great,” you tell her. “In fact he may have been the worst one yet.”

As the torrent of your suppressed thoughts become hastily spoken words that hit the air, you realize that your loss of speech, feelings of repulsion and inability to think was due to the fact that there was absolutely NO chemistry between you and that man. As your best friend starts to list all the reasons why you shouldn’t give up on online dating just yet, a familiar thought crystallizes in your brain.

When it comes to dating, no amount of commonality in lifestyle, politics, culture, and taste can make up for a lack of chemistry.

Ahhh, the Zero Chemistry Effect. It’s one of the tougher life lessons I’ve come to really grasp thanks to POF (and a few of the other online dating sites). One that all the cute men, the jokes  (see here, here and here if you missed the most recent ones) and hit-it-and-quit-it sex to be found online, make easy to forget…

Until it sneaks up and kicks you HARD in the ass –  yet AGAIN.

*Sigh*

But I ain’t mad y’all. I still luv me some POF. Fact.

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