September 15, 2010

SKYE BLUE

Female desire, psychologists say, necessarily contains elements of narcissism. While men want women, women want to be wanted. As Professor Marta Meana told Daniel Bergner in the New York Times , for us, “being desired is the orgasm.” Art critic John Berger says something similar in his book Ways of Seeing: “Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at.”  -  Hephzibah Anderson, Chastened

I read Chastened while we were away of vacation, and though at times I struggled to finish it, when my eyes lighted on the passage above I took notice.  I remember reading the words over a few times, letting the weight of their meaning sink in. It was the last few lines that really got me, the idea that we as women could be so enamoured/caught with being looked at – by men. My next thought was what happens when that idea is taken to the extreme, when the desire to be desired turns into a need to be worshipped. How would such chronic yearning to be desired and obsession with seeking out the eyes of those who admire us impact our lives? In our quests to be the most beautiful, sexy and/or the most wanted what do we gain? And more importantly what do we lose?

Soon after I read that passage I fell into discussion with Sam and Elizbeth, and I shared my thoughts with them. Upon hearing my opinions on the issue Sam asked Elizabeth and I if we felt it applied to us. We admitted that yes it did apply to us to a limited degree, and that we both believed it applied to all women to some extent (how much being dependent on where you fell on the continuum of women’s/society’s obsession with beauty). Then he posed another question, asking us if we thought that issue comes into play in the bedroom, when ideally a woman would be more attuned to the passion/lust she is feeling and her partner’s needs/actions, than her desire to be beautiful.  Elizabeth Rose turned to him with an incredulous look in her eye.

“Of course it does Sam. I think there are some women out there who never stop thinking about how the men in their lives perceive them relative to other women – even when he’s clearly focused solely on her during sex. Just think about all the women who won’t let their boyfriends see them without make up and other silliness like that. Isn’t that proof enough?”

It is out of that discussion that the idea for this post was born. Just the thought that any woman is limiting her sexual pleasure because she is worried about how her partner perceives her (or any other extraneous B.S.) is totally distressing to me. It is my sincere hope that EVERY woman that chooses to engage in sexual activity with a man gains maximal enjoyment from it (for further evidence of this click here, here and here).

So I felt compelled to do my part and draw some attention to the negative effects the desire to be the desired and/or always seen as beautiful may have on a woman’s experience in the bedroom, when such longing hits overdrive.

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A) It Potentially Leads to Self-consciousness in the Bedroom.

Generally speaking, we women spend a fair bit of time thinking about who is observing us and how we are being perceived. Virtually every woman can attest to the fact that she is more than able to list all of her faults (in great detail) at any time, because she has the image of her very own version of the perfect woman – with her perfect body, visage, personality and way of being – locked in her mind to compare herself to every minute of every single day. Some of us are lucky enough to be able to push that haunting image out of our minds at times so we can get on with things – like living. But for those who have yet to learn how to block out our evil twin who tells us we’re not enough in some ways or are too much in others, our image of the perfect woman constantly irks us, and makes us self-conscious about ourselves; especially when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex.  And I would argue that those feelings of self-consciousness reach an all time high when a woman hits the sheets with her man.

To test my theory I had a round table discussion with a few of my male friends (men who as far as I can tell clearly indicate their interest and desire for the women they choose to date) if they thought any of women they’d been in relationships with were concerned about how they presented in the bedroom and how that might have impacted the sex they had.* Most of them gave me answers that confirmed my view, reporting that most of their past girlfriends – no matter how good-looking they told them they were and how much they communicated their desire for them – were concerned with how:

1. They were seen during sex and sought reassurance about this often.
2. Their responses while being pleasured by their man were being perceived (i.e. were they good/expressive enough).

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They also informed me that generally a woman’s focus on such issues resulted in her being:

1. More passive (think starfish here folks) in the bedroom.
2. Less willing to experiment or try new things.
3. Less convinced that her man was really enjoying being with her.

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This of course limited the pleasure experienced by both parties; which of course leads to my next point…

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Which we’ll get to tomorrow. Promise.

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*As I sat with my boys and listened to their comments on this issue I picked up on another key piece of information. Something that affirmed what I already knew.  All of my friends agreed on one thing. Confident (as in less self-conscious) women – regardless of their size or looks – tended to be more attuned to the nuances of each sexual encounter and more willing to let loose.

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