September 16, 2010

SKYE BLUE

Today, I’m going to pick things up where I left of yesterday and present two more ways an obsessive desire to be the desired can negatively impact a woman’s experience in the bedroom. (In case you missed it you can read Part 1 of this post here.) Having such desire can…

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B) Make You Lose Focus and Decrease the Level of Pleasure You Experience

A while ago Elizabeth Rose, wrote It’s All In Your Mind a post that highlighted how important it was for women to stay focused while engaging in sex rather than letting their thoughts and/or doubts distract them from what was  going on between their legs during coitus. As we all know, the mind is a powerful thing and as my discussion with my boys revealed getting caught up in anything but how good you are feeling in the moment will reduce your, and more than likely your partner’s, pleasure (God Forbid!).

An extreme example of this is the very common habit of faking orgasms – which for the record I am totally against (check out Faking The Big-O to find out why). Most women who engage in this heinous practice do so either to spare their partner’s feelings after a job not-so well done or to end the proceedings quickly when they become bored. However, it is important to note that there are some women (the more self-conscious spoken types spoken of above I presume) who actually do so to avoid looking ‘ugly’ when they climax. (Stop blinking and rubbing your eyes you read that correctly.) Case in point…

FYI Ladies: Unless your cum face looks worse than this, you're probably OK.

A young woman who I’ll call Z, that I met through a friend at a dinner party a few months back, admitted (during the course of a long discussion about all things  sex) that she’s been faking with her boyfriend – a man who enjoys sex with the lights on – to avoid looking or sounding ‘un-pretty’ for so long that she was now finding it virtually impossible to stay focused enough to orgasm when she was with him. Now, for the record Z was a beautiful girl, who was obviously aware of her charms and clearly loved to be looked at. So, when I suggested that her boyfriend would surely be very turned on by a real show of passion and release on her part, she wrinkled her cute little nose and said,

‘Ick. How could he when my face would be all contorted and weird? I wouldn’t want him to see me like that.’

She paused for a moment and then added a bit smugly,

‘Besides I can take care of myself whenever I need to.’

Interestingly enough later on that same evening, when her tongue had been loosened by copious amounts of liquor, Z acknowledged the fact that she feared that her habit of faking orgasms out of sheer vanity would eventually result in her not being able to climax with a partner at all. (Yikes!)

Lesson of the day girls. Don’t be like Z. Don’t let your fears or doubts about not being pretty, sexy and/or attractive enough take away any of the pleasure you could be receiving (or giving) in the bedroom. No amount of being beautiful is worth that, is it?

C) Cause You to Approach Sex Like a Performance

I believe that women who are very focused on how they are perceived during sex, will participate in sexual activity as if it were a performance: like they are appearing on stage in front of their partner. If sex is approached in this way it becomes less about the pleasure a given woman and her partner derive from their sexual interactions, and more about the satisfaction/power she gets from holding his gaze/attention. A clear example of this are the young girls (and perhaps even some women) who offer their mouths and other orifices up their male counterparts at the drop of a dime, yet never ask for any reciprocation (re oral sex) or expect to receive pleasure themselves. Instead, they seem to revel in the ‘popularity’ such actions garner them.

As far as I’m concerned for girls and women who approach sex this way, it isn’t about the pleasures participating in the act brings, but more about the access choosing to participate gives them to being adored/admired/worshipped. Pleasure mounts in these women upon feeling:

1. Their partners have succumbed to their beauty.
2. That they are displaying themselves in a visually appealing way.
3. That they have been chosen as worthy.

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NOT because of the quality of the sex or even the depth of the connection she has with her partner.

This of course means that such women are likely to be left feeling unwanted, empty even, if their partners’ attention to or adoration of them dips or shifts for even a moment. Surely, these women would be be less  susceptible to the whims of their bed mates and feel more fulfilled if they approached sex with a sense of agency and control, and chose to assert their needs and wants during the act, right?

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In closing, I’d like to point out that I’m not arguing that wanting to be beautiful, sexy and/or desired are bad things in and of themselves, because they definitely aren’t. But if a woman becomes so focused on being perceived as beautiful and/or desired to the point that it becomes an obsession or a compulsive craving, it is likely to impose unnecessary limits on her interactions with others and her life in (and quite possibly out) of the bedroom.

I think that it’s important that all women take a look at how they approach sex/intimacy with men to ensure that they are not doing so in a way that reduces their agency or casts them solely in the role of an object to be acted upon or used. So, instead of watching your partner observe you, REALLY look back  at him and then let him know what you want/need. I’d be willing to bet the pleasure you’ll experience as a result will be more than worth it.

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