October 3, 2010

SAM SHARPE

Nine months. I once went nine months without having sex. I’m not sure if there was any symbolism or symmetry in it, but it felt like a trial, a test of my soul. A test of my willpower. And just like a pregnancy there were distinct stages. First, indifference. Then recognition. Followed by Self-Evaluation and frustration. And ultimately, action. Action at any cost.

This drought, this un-pregnancy of mine was both an edifying and humbling experience. I became attracted to women who frankly were….ugly. Women whom under normal circumstances, I would never, ever pay any mind. All of a sudden I was considering proffering coital invitations to these women instead of contemplating kicking them out of bed. (If this alone doesn’t make women regularly give their man the poon, I don’t know what will. Do you really want your man walking around with a loaded weapon and nowhere to discharge it?) Yet I learned so much about myself, so much about my strengths and weaknesses that I’m almost grateful for the experience. Above all things I learned that like most straight men, I’m a slave to the p****. Look, Jamaicans have a saying “I run tings, tings nuh run me” (I run things, things don’t run me) that is an expression of our self-possession, self-actualization, self-control. The drought I lived through laid waste to this proclamation.

But how did I survive? Let me tell you how, let me present to you my tips for surviving an unwelcome drought.

Take a breath: Relax. This might sound counterintuitive after everything I’ve just said, but really, take a chill pill. If you’ve ever lifted weights, practiced martial arts, meditated, done yoga or had sex, you know how important breathing can be when successfully engaging in any of these activities. It applies here. You’ll need to stay calm and keep a level head if you’re going to get through a drought without slipping up, making a mistake and sleeping with the wrong person.

Exercise: During a drought the one thing you won’t have a shortage of is energy. In my case I found myself going for runs, very long runs. I’m pretty sure I was in a marathoner’s shape. I was doing pushups. Playing basketball. And soccer. I had the world’s “sixiest” six-pack. My body was a temple that I shined and buffed. Speaking of buffing and shining…

Play…with yourself: I cannot emphasize this enough. Spank the monkey, paint your nails, apply the handbrake, tickle the ivories, jostle your elder, tango el mano, download from your own website. During my fallow period I lusted after everything that moved. I came this close to having coitus with a girl who had more facial hair than I did. She wore so much make up in an attempt to hide this facial hair that it looked like winter on her shoulders, complete with flesh coloured snow. The only thing that prevented this course of action: mas…tur….ba….tion.

The next suggestions are tips for ending your drought:

Lower your standards: Assuming you haven’t chosen celibacy, if you’re not having sex and you want to be having sex, it’s possible that your standards may be too high. Maybe you think you’re hotter than you really are. Think about giving that old friend who’s always wanted to get horizontal a chance to show you what they’ve got. Which leads us to…

Open your mind: Are you a little prudish? Never thought about having a one-night stand? Think f*** buddies are not your speed? Get over yourself. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Socialize: Unless you’ve consciously chosen celibacy, you are suffering through your drought because of some deficiency in your social life or circle. Things need to change. Go out. Join a co-ed recreational league. Meet new people. After all, the old people aren’t pulling their weight.

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There you have it, my guide to surviving and ending a drought. In my case a beautiful young chica I met at the gym(?) came along and helped me put an end to my long dry season. And what say you dear readers, any other tips for surviving a drought?

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