December 20, 2010

SAM SHARPE

Things I learned this past weekend:

Shirley’s Dirty Bingo is a fun way to spend a couple of hours….I must admit that when Skye first told me about this event my reaction was: Meh. Well, after losing my dirty bingo virginity what isn’t there to like? Between the raunchy and irreverent host, the gathered masses out looking to have a good time, the chance to play bingo (Who doesn’t like bingo?) and the opportunity to win sex toys, I mean what more could a slightly pervy guy like me ask for?

Actually, here’s what I would ask for. A sex toy, that’s what I would ask for. Could you believe that I didn’t’ win a f***in’ thing. After the sixth or seventh hand I was so into it and borderline unhinged; I so wanted to win something, anything, that I might have jumped on the table and done a little dance had I won the blow up sheep. Alas, I left Shirley’s dirty bingo empty handed. Still, I’ll be back. But if I don’t leave with at least a dildo or something there’s going to be hell to pay. Do you hear me Shirley? Hell…to…pay…

…lots of men really do believe lurking near or around a group of women is the best way to pick up….After Skye, myself and a group of friends left Shirley’s Dirty Bingo we went out dancing and were joined by Elizabeth Rose and a gaggle of comely lasses. While our group, which numbered eight women and three men, was busting loose on the dance floor, three dudes kept lingering like bad odors. It might actually have been better if they had just approached whichever lady tickled their fancy. But nooooooooo, these gentlemen would just linger. And linger. And then linger. And when they finished lingering they would just linger some more. It really was like watching lions stalking hyena’s on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. But unlike the lions these guys just hovered UFO-like as if the mere force of their presence would operate like a tractor beam and suck unsuspecting females into their orbit. It was creepy. I was just waiting, hoping, praying for one of them to make a move….

….and this subspecies of man is so clueless it hurts me….When one of these lingerers finally mustered up the nerve to approach one of the ladies he was shut down. He then proceeded to approach another woman in our group, and then another, and another, and oh, wait for it, another, and then one more. Then finally he got the message. Sort of. Because what did he do next? He made the moves on a lady in the group next to us whose husband had just gone to the bar. Where do these morons learn this sh**….

…“sexting” can be fun…A girl I’ve been playing BBM footsies with sent me pictures of her boobs. Me likey. I’m not prepared to start sending pics of my Johnson O’Hardy but I think I may finally understand the allure….

…but a good chat is sexy…I was talking to a lovely young lady on Sunday night and she opened up to me in manner in which she hadn’t before. We talked about life. We talked about love. And yes, we talked about sex. But the real highlight of the conversation came when she talked about her family and how she couldn’t wait to spend time with them over the holidays. It was charming. It was cute. It was sweet. It made me want to spend more time with her. It made me seriously reevaluate my own life. It made me want to bend her over and f*** her six ways to Sunday…

Anyway, that’s all from me today and I’m pretty sure this is the last that you’ll be hearing from me before the New Year. So, I want to take this opportunity to wish you all the best during the upcoming holiday season and as Momma Sharpe always says: “Be good. But if you can’t be good, be careful”

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