January 19, 2011

A Guest Post by SOLO AT 30

When the V-Man and I began dating four years ago, there were three of us in the relationship—the two of us and whatever project consumed him at the moment. Sometimes it was a side project for work, but usually a DIY house project had him in her clutches from sun up to sun down. We rarely went out to do fun things, and getting him to take a break to do anything but work was like pulling teeth, so eventually I gave up trying. Our ménage a trois meant I simply couldn’t “get no satisfaction”, and I resented the fact that there wasn’t more time to indulge in the pleasures of being a couple.

Unsurprisingly, this affected things under the sheets. At night, when we were cozied up in front of the TV, V-Man fondled his laptop or iTouch more than me, and we had uninspired sex no more than once a week.

What a difference more than a year and half apart makes!

Twelve months have passed since a mysterious medical condition completely flipped my life upside down. My livelihood—and my driver’s license—were taken away from me. All independence slipped out of my hands at the ripe, old age of 32. The guy I was dating at the time didn’t know how to deal, so I found the dignity to say I didn’t want a half-hearted man around.

At first, facing a prolonged, paralyzing illness, I felt helpless. The doctors didn’t know what to do, and I was clueless as to how my life would play out. But then, I did what any true artist does—I turned to my art and poured my frustrations into my writing.

At first I vented. Then, as I began to date again, I started chronicling my adventures as a 30-something woman—living with my parents, unable to drive, yet finding an amazing assortment of characters (sorry, men) drawn to date me. Unexpectedly, I found an audience eager to listen to my crazy stories, to cheer me on when I was getting my groove on again and to comfort me when I had my heart broken.

Around the same time, I began doing a completely different type of writing, a blog about nutrition, integrative medicine and mysterious medical conditions, not unlike my own. Once again, I was pleasantly surprised by the number of followers the site attracted. It was through this blog that I met a recruiter who offered me a job I never would’ve imagined having the chance to get. More incredible, it was something that I could do from home. In short, it was the only legitimate job I could realistically do at that point in my life, and somehow it just fell into my lap.

Afraid my body couldn’t handle such a demanding job, I hesitated. V-Man, who proved to be one of my greatest sources of support throughout my illness (with the exception of my family), encouraged me to apply. He was incredibly proud when I got and accepted the job in less than a week.

Finally in a career-defining position, I felt mentally stronger and more capable. Back up to a healthy weight, with the sexiness of self-confidence (and a bigger purse), I finally bought those clothes that flattered me, and the men around me noticed – including V-man.

My new career path had an interesting effect on our relationship. V-man’s respect for me both personally and professionally grew exponentially. It was at about this time that we realized we’d been dancing in the “not technically dating” phase for long enough, and we made the decision to, tentatively, start dating exclusively again.

Clearly taken by my sexy new look and the confidence I had to match, soon after we got back together, he took me on a jaunt to a sex shop. Not only did the fruits of that trip crank up the heat in the bedroom, it also showed us that we were more passionate about each other than we had ever realized.

During the early days of our second time around we also discovered that we were able to show more affection toward each other: the hand-holding, the hugs for no reason, the kisses— and yes, even the PDAs that were never a part of our past two-year relationship. When we cuddle up on the futon now, we are shoulder-to-shoulder, and he refuses to get into bed without me.

Yet somehow we still haven’t been able to shake the third party in our relationship. These days I’m the one who always has a project(s) consuming my time. Now I’m the workaholic in our relationship, and he is constantly nagging me to shut down the computer so we can do something fun: which I appreciate even when I feel I can’t stop. And if multiple romps a day help take me out of my obsessions, then by God, the V-Man is committed to make me come.

As we roll into 2011, my health is improving enough for me have this new career, this new version of relationship and endless opportunities to make this the best year of my life.

My given name means reborn, and that’s how I feel now—like I keep getting the chance at a new life, and I won’t take any second of it for granted.

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