January 24, 2011

SKYE BLUE

Yesterday Elizabeth Rose told us that although she’s not one for regrets, if she was given the chance to do over her sex life she’d choose to have more Quality in Quantity . I have to admit I feel the same way. I too am not big on regrets, and definitely believe that upping the quality of the men I chose to fall into bed with in the past would be something I’d change if I could go back. But more important than that, I’d also change all the decisions I made regarding my lovers/bedmates based on fear.

Decisions like my…

• Waiting until I was 21 to have sex mainly because I was so afraid (courtesy of my well meaning mother) of getting pregnant.
• Losing my virginity to a man who was into me way more than I was into him, because I needed to know I could walk away easily if shit hit the fan.
• Keeping myself ‘safe’ – a euphemism for my fear of being vulnerable – by spending many years being celibate (I’m a camel, remember?) to avoid being hurt.
• And on the flip side, when I was a much younger version of myself, choosing to have sex with men I wouldn’t have otherwise to get attention and/or keep them around (which, as a general rule, doesn’t work).

It is hard to fight an enemy, who has an outpost in your head. – Sally Kemp

And people, I can’t tell you how sick and tired I am of operating from a place of fear?  Can someone out there tell me why it’s so damn hard to get the fear monkey off your back? I mean to this day, fear is still messing with my “get myself some extra good lovin’” game. It’s kept and to some extent still keeps me from experimenting and exploring certain aspects of my sexuality. So, since a sexual “do over” is not a possibility (and even if it was, I’m not sure I’d want to work my way through all that mess again), I’m going to focus all my energy on a sex makeover…starting with my attitude.

I recently had a phone chat with one of my happily married girlfriends, G, and as per usual, our discussion eventually turned to sex and relationships. During that discussion she said something that really surprised me. My friend, the consummate dirty girl, freak, and “I’m up to try anything as long as it feels good” type; whose level of single girl sluttiness could only be surpassed by the likes of Elizabeth Rose, declared…

“I wish I’d taken advantage of more of the opportunities I had to experiment with my sexuality before I got married.”

When me and my camel self heard that all we could think was…

“OMG. If G feels that way what will we be kicking ourselves for not doing in the future?”

So, right then and there, with G’s inspiring words still ringing in my ears I made a commitment to myself. I made the decision to stop suppressing my desire to experience new things sexually, experiment, and to quit keeping my cooch out of the sex game due to fear. Now for the record, I still plan to make choices that are best for me emotionally and mentally. But from now on I’m also going to do my best to ensure that doing so doesn’t ever mean I’m not taking advantage of opportunities to explore my sexual horizons, so to speak.

You heard it here first people. This is officially the start of my sex makeover. It should make for some good times for me and some interesting reading for you – in the very near future.

You have my word on that.

S

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