January 28, 2011

SKYE BLUE

Welcome!

This is the inaugural edition of Secrets From the Goody Drawer. As I explained in Full Frontal Secrets this biweekly (or fortnightly for the Brits) column “will be the place for our random, very unscientific and sometimes slightly deranged musings about everything…even the ‘unmentionables’ tucked away in the furthest and darkest corners of the goody drawer.”

And the question of the day is…

Do Squirters Do it Better?

[Female ejaculation is] not the ultimate liberation, and not necessarily something all women would enjoy…Female ejaculation is…mystified, questioned and doubted on the one hand or praised as if it was magical on the other hand, like the highest gift or empowerment a woman may achieve, because she could do what we’ve thought only men can do. – Ericka Lust

–

The other day, I attended a party where I lost 20+ precious minutes of my life chatting with a man who I’ll call Corey. I was caught in conversation with him after he overheard me telling a group of people about this blog. When he heard me explaining what Met Another Frog was all about, he took over joined our conversation, because he “just looooves talking about SEX”. Within minutes, the loudness and intensity of his verbal assault resulted in the rapid dispersal of the group of people I’d been talking to; leaving me trapped and ALONE in a completely inane discussion with him.

Now for the record people, Corey, who from his appearance is hovering somewhere around 50, is in his own very and extremely humble estimation:

• A life long learner (except it would seem when it comes to sex, female anatomy and orgasms – as he believes he knows everything there is to know)
• An alpha male (he’s always the loudest most dominant man in the room, if only in his mind)
• A Cassanova (I doubt I’ll ever meet anyone as convinced of his ability to charm women out of their pants)
• And someone who possesses a PhD in Pleaseawomaninthebedroomology

What’s that? Pleaseawomaninthebedroomology isn’t/wasn’t offered at the college/university you currently/did attend? Well, I can’t say I’m surprised by that. The sad truth of the matter is that Corey has yet to write the text books and develop all the course work needed to properly share his other worldly woman pleasing skills with the masses. But not to worry folks; if the conversation I had with him a few nights ago is any indication, he’ll be getting his shit real together soon.

You see, Corey is on a one man mission to help as many women as he can experience “real “ (aka vaginal) orgasms (because as we all know, clitoral ones just won’t do). What’s more he has so thoroughly mastered the art of inducing vaginal orgasms in women that he never misses. Now ladies, don’t bother rubbing your eyes or squinting just a little bit harder at the screen. You read that right. According to Corey, his batting average in the bedroom has been a perfect 1.000 – for the last 20 years! And on that fateful night when I had the misfortune of being cornered by him at my friend’s party, he also informed me that,

“No woman who lies down with me leaves without experiencing multiple [vaginal] orgasms.”

When I expressed disbelief, politely explaining that: 1) there was loads of research documenting the fact that ¾ of women can’t even have vaginal orgasms, and 2) that even if he had brought his ‘A’ bedroom gymnastics game each and every time he hit the sheets over the last two decades, at least a few of the women would’ve had an off day, he fanned his hand dismissively in the air and said (in a rather condescending tone)…

“Skye, I’ll admit that most men don’t know what they’re doing in the bedroom. But I do and I can always tell when the woman I’m with has an orgasm.”

Sensing that yet another blog post had magically fallen into my lap, I prodded him for more information. “Okay, what are the telltale signs?”

His answer (you’re going to love this one girls)?

“By the way she moves and the sounds of pleasure she makes. But I can really tell by her breathing. No woman can fake that. Labored, raspy breathing is a dead giveaway.”

Clearly this dude never saw the fake orgasm scene in When Harry Met Sally…
.

.

“Really?” I said, feigning surprise.

“Uh huh. But I really know I’ve done a good job when a woman…er…wets herself.”

He is so not going there with me, a total f’in stranger. “What?”

“You know,” he said, giving me a knowing and rather lecherous wink, as he leaned in towards me, “when she squirts.”

Oh God, did I just swallow some of my own vomit? “Oh yeah? I was under the assumption most women get wet when they start feeling even a bit aroused. Are you sure that’s a clear sign?”

Corey shook his head and smiled. “I’m not talking about just being a bit wet. I’m talking about the forceful gush of fluid that is released when a woman is correctly pleasured by her man.” Corey reached for my hand and squeezed it. “I hope you’ve been lucky enough to experience that Skye, because when a woman truly ejaculates, she’s had the ultimate orgasm.”

Riiiiiight.

–

After mulling over Corey’s hilarity inducing illusions of grandeur regarding his ability to please women for the last few days, I realized that most of what he had said really irked me – and by irked I mean pissed me off. I mean I really don’t get how any man, particularly one who claims to be a ‘lifelong learner’ (something that would require more listening than talking all the time, which I don’t believe Corey’s even capable of), would have the audacity to tell any woman – with all her unique sexual proclivities and experiences –  what it takes for her, to have a ‘real’ or ‘ultimate’ orgasm. But that’s exactly what Corey did, because to his mind only the lucky minority of women who easily orgasm via vaginal penetration, and also possess the ability to ‘bust an extra hard nut’ when they do, are doing it right. And as far as he’s concerned…

Doing it Right = Doing it Like a Man.

And that’s a notion that makes we want to scream BULLSHIT at the top of my lungs. One that that leaves me wondering how many girls and women who are too shy, misinformed, and inexperienced to question the BS that comes out of  the mouths of men (and perhaps some women) like Corey who are brazen enough to tell them how they should be experiencing orgasm and demonstrating their feelings of pleasure in the bedroom, are buying this crap?

So, solely for the benefit of any of you out there who hold the misguided view that squirters do it better, for the record I’d like to state that…

1. We women aren’t men.
2. The vast majority of us don’t experience orgasm during vaginal intercourse.
3. Most of us need clitoral stimulation to get off.
4. Although it’s estimated that only 6% of us can squirt (i.e. forcefully ejaculate), most of us report experiencing all kinds of orgasmic delight in our bedrooms.
5. And ladies, rest assured wherever you fall on the orgasm continuum, from “I’m not sure I’ve ever orgasmed” to “I can squirt with the best of them” it’s all okay. Because it’s your body and your pleasure.

PERIOD.

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