January 30, 2011

SAM SHARPE

We live in a world that is relationship obsessed. Or at least relationship focused. The non-attached, the single, whether by fate or by choice, are viewed as less than, as folks to be pitied, our whole society is set up to favour the coupled. Marriage is exalted and every other relationship, no matter how functional, healthy or devoted is viewed as second class. Hell, single folks are pretty much discriminated against. Especially economically. Don’t believe me? Try booking an all-inclusive vacation for one.

Anyway, I’m not about to start an anti-relationship rant. I don’t hate them. I have nothing against the coupled. I work with them. I socialize with them. I have friends who are married and/or in relationships. I’ve even had some in my home. I’m just a little tired of being asked when, not if, I plan on settling down. As if the only way to find meaning in life is for me to get hitched, reproduce, move to the suburbs and get a hard-on for the latest innovations in baby seat technology.

I’m not exactly reinventing the wheel here. But goddamn I’m tired of it. So for all those smug “ain’t been f*cked properly in years” housewives out there, and their “I spend most of my time bitchin’ about my wife with my friend’s” husbands, who still insist on asking me when I’m going to grow up and get married, I’d like to present two reasons why relationships don’t rule the roost because they actually suck balls:

1. Saturdays are no longer your own: Do you know what my friend Len did last weekend? He spent time at home with his wife. Not talking to her. Do you know what he did four Saturdays ago? He spent time with his wife. Not talking to her. Do you know what he did the Saturday before that? They went out. To her sister’s place. Where she talked to her sister. Sounds great. I wonder if Len even remembers when Saturdays were fun.

2. Share and share alike: What’s yours becomes his. What’s hers becomes yours. Live together long enough or get hitched and all of a sudden property, investments and communicable diseases have both your names on it. Not to mention debt. Yikes.

Now this is not to suggest that relationships don’t have their place. Nor am I trying to suggest that being single and on the dating scene is any kind of panacea. Off the top of my head I can think of one big reason that dating is like being tea bagged: dating leads to relationships.

This isn’t to dissuade any of you from getting into a relationship. My screed is not intended to serve as a defense of a swinging bachelor’s lifestyle. It merely serves as an intro to our theme for this month:

The downside of dating and/or being in a relationship.

Because let’s be honest, there are three sides to every story; yours, theirs and the one you tell your friends when you’re at the bar. Well, this month we’re telling all sides of the story, especially the one from the bar.

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