January 31, 2011

ELIZABETH ROSE

Math is like love — a simple idea but it can get complicated. – Anon

This month’s topic is one I can really get behind; the downside of relationships. I am going to rant touch on the maths behind this whole kit and kaboodle. The answer to everyone’s equation, “One plus one equals?”

In other words dating. The side which I abhor is the rules obsessed, wait three days before calling style of dating. This is the ongoing debit from your current account directly into the coffers of every dating site out there. This is the personal grooming done not to make yourself feel good, but in case you meet “the one”.

In other words, delusional acts by delusional people. I’m being more than a little harsh and possibly even slightly cruel in my judgements today. This isn’t because of the actual acts these “one half of a whole” type of people indulge in, but because of their impact on me. (I am entirely self obsessed, but at least have the insight to know this!)

You see, I date to get laid.

One plus one equals coitus being the equation in my mind.

The folks out there who date to find a long term partner interfere with my mojo. As they date to marry, but will sleep with someone to continue the process. This leads to men becoming confused and thinking one plus one equals “a relationship”. Even open communication is no longer enough for some cases. Then it is seen as A TRAP, that it couldn’t possibly be so simple an equation. It must be one plus one equals “accidental” pregnancy, or one plus one equals a bunny boiler in disguise.

I am beginning to think we need to start tattooing our intentions on our nether regions. That way, it is all wrapped up in the discovery of our physical compatability. Clothes come off, temperatures rise and TA DA, written in black and white is the summary of your intentions. It could be “Future father of your children” or even “I will turn into my mother”. Perhaps “I won’t give you head after marriage unless you buy me diamonds”.

Mine would likely say…

“Don’t expect me to stay for breakfast, and that number I gave you is fake.”

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