What Do You Mean You’re Not Ready?

Posted by: Skye Blue Tags: communication, dating, men, relationship, women Posted date: February 6, 2011 | 9 Comments

February 6, 2011

Since the beginning of January I’ve found myself in conversation with many woman complaining about the same thing. Namely, being faced with man after man telling them the same thing when asked about their willingness to enter into a committed relationship and/or up the level of commitment in his relationship with the woman in question…

“I’m not ready.”

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A poorly timed 'I'm not ready' can lead to scenes like this.

I’m not sure there is any phrase a man could utter that is more potent in its ability to knock the wind out of a smitten/lovestruck/marriage-and-baby-carriage-ready woman’s sails, and/or draw him into a conversation with a woman that is more likely to make his eyes bleed from the sheer frustration of it all. From what I can tell there are few other (polite) phrases that lead to as much misunderstanding and stress when they come up between two people who are romantically connected. So in an effort to promote dialogue and perhaps even a little more understanding on this issue, I’m offering up those three powerful little words as one of the biggest downsides of dating/relationships for both men and women.

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Now I’m not going to claim to speak for all women or men, but in my experience (however limited) the following lists are the chain of events that follow from both the woman’s and man’s perspectives when a simple ‘I’m not ready’ is thrown into the mix.

Women’s View:

She’s hurt and in this emotionally charged state his ‘I’m not ready’ mutates into a heartless ‘I don’t care about you and don’t want to be with you’ the instant her mind processes the phrase.
Having completely missed any number of valid reasons he listed after stating he wasn’t ready; reasons ranging from ‘I don’t feel I’m where I need to be in my career to be a good partner’, or ‘A committed relationship isn’t what I’m looking for now’ (which in most cases, he mentioned within days of meeting her) she peppers him with questions as to why he doesn’t want to be with her specifically.
No answer he offers in explanation is good enough to ease her fears that his readiness to commit is really about him not caring about/not loving her enough and she spirals downwards into a bad case of the I’m-not-good-enoughs. A sentiment which is only reinforced by all her well meaning girlfriends who tell her ‘He must not really like/love/give a shit about you if he won’t commit NOW’ when she relays the story to them later on.
If she doesn’t decide to leave him soon after this (non-)conversation, but instead sticks it out in hopes he’ll be ready a few days/weeks/months down the road, the same cycle is repeated over and over again until she concedes defeat. Not because she has finally come to accept that the reasons he gave for not being ready are true, but more because she has finally found a way to accept the fact that her beauty, feminine charms and/or charisma will never get him to change his mind if he really isn’t ready – whatever that @#$% means.

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Men’s view:

He’s happily hanging with/dating a woman he is feelin’ a whole lot or just enough. It’s easy, not complicated and he’s content with where things are at.
Long before she finds the courage to ask him about the status of their connection, he can sense she may be looking for something more than he’s currently giving (even though he told her what he was about from the start).
She gets around to asking him if he’s able/ready to commit to her and/or up the level of their connection.
He is honest and says (among other things) that he is not ready – and then he braces himself for the onslaught of questions.
Her questions, which come rapid-fire, make it clear that despite all the effort he put into clearly stating his reasons for not wanting to commit – reasons that have nothing to do with his feelings for her – she’s managed to make it all about how little (her words not his) he feels for her.
He answers as best he can knowing that nothing he says short of ‘Wait a minute. Did I say I’m not ready? What the fuck was I thinking? Let’s do it. I’m ready to commit!’ will really appease her or quell her disappointment.
He continues to (not so) patiently answer her questions, until she calms down and announces one of two things: 1) ‘I can’t do this anymore’ or 2) ‘Okay. We’ll see how things go.’
If he gets option 1 he knows he’s SOL and that the good thing they had is now gone. Should he get option 2, he settles in as best he can to wait for the day (that will unfortunately come much sooner than he’d like) that they’ll be having the same conversation…again.

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So readers I ask you this?

What is it about hearing the words ‘I’m not ready’ in the context of our romantic relationships that seems to make we women go so batty? Why aren’t we better able to accept the reasons the men in our lives give us for their ‘un-readiness’ to settle down?
Men (I have to ask this because I’ve been one of those batty woman) what is it exactly that you want or need from us when you say when you’re not ready?
To men and women alike, does an ‘I’m not ready’ ever have the same chaos inducing energy when a woman says it to a man?

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9 Comments for What Do You Mean You’re Not Ready?

veronica

Skye, I’m calling bullshit on the man’s view you presented.

This ‘batty’ and fed up woman thinks “I’m not ready’ is just an easy cop out for all the immature and commitment phobic men trying to get one over on women. Nothing more, nothing less.

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Skye Blue

With all due respect Veronica, I’m starting to think that claiming men are immature and commitment phobic just because they aren’t doing what we want them to do at the time we want them to do it is a cop out – and a real tired one at that. Why? Because it immediately shuts down dialogue about issues that women and men often have problems getting past. Important issues that need to be discussed if our interactions with each other are ever going to get better.

Does hearing “I’m not ready” hurt like a bitch at times? Yes it does.

Do I sympathize and relate to any women who’s ever heard those words come out of a man she wants to be with? Fuck yeah.

But all of that doesn’t automatically make men wrong, immature or commitment phobes for saying it if that’s what they really feel.

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Man-shopper

I agree with you, Skye. It’s wrong and immature for a *woman* to automatically dump all the blame on the man here. Sure, there are undesirable types who will use the not-ready excuse to weasel themselves out of a tight spot that they never wanted to get into in the first place. However, berating them for being commitment phobes does skirt the issue that some really may not be ready. Some do need time. Some will never have enough time. All we can really do is try our best to get all the information we can about what both sides are going through, maintain open channels of communication, (in some cases) set aside the hurt, make a judgment call aout the guy’s intentions/character, and either stick it out, move on, or even just put a bookmark in it.

I don’t really have any answers to the questions that you’ve posed in this post, Skye. I can only speak from my own limited experience with the not-ready dilemma. In my case, after a WHOLE LOT of batty-crazy-brain-melting-girly-freakout time, I did eventually make a call, even though I could never figure out why it made me so batty. And I don’t regret my judgment call one bit — no matter how bittersweet it may have been.

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jackie

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” – Maya Angelou.

Let’s be REALLY honest: what makes you batty when someone tells you they’re not ready–especially if they mysteriously settle down with the NEXT person–is EGO. It fractures your sense of self to think that for some reason you weren’t enough for this person, that someone else had the “je ne sais quois” to suddenly, finally make them commit. Trust, the person that TELLS YOU they are not ready is doing you a FAVOR. Get your ego out of the equation and be thankful you don’t have to extract yourself from a failed marriage from someone who told you the truth from the beginning.

JFB

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Nikki

OOO!!! Good one!!

1. How often do we hear, from our GFs, from books, all over the blogosphere, that if he’s “not ready” to commit to you, move on? That he’s not interested – or only mildly so? That it equates to you being a placeholder? That if a guy is really into you, he’ll commit, and if he doesn’t? He’s not so cut your loses.

2. There is a lot of pressure on women to find a relationship – whether that is self-imposed or otherwise. We’re told from the get-go about our need to find a man to make us “whole”. There is an incredible lack of focus on women developing their own lives. For instance. Look at romcoms. Sure, there are many with a work-focused woman. But. She’s also overworked and unhappy, and it’s not until she finds THE ONE that she finally finds her true self. RARELY do we see, in pop culture, a single woman who has made a life for herself that makes HER happy and SHE DOESN’T NEED A MAN. Doesn’t mean she wouldn’t like one, but you get my drift. And then all the woman that put this pressure and this focus on finding a partner on themselves. Not to say wanting a partner is bad or something. Just sayin.

3. From what I can understand as a woman and not a man, I believe there is a lot of pressure on men to not be emotional. Don’t get in touch with your emotions. Don’t express them. Oooooo the ol’ ball n chain. Who really wants that. Eventually, you have to settle down. BUMMER.

4. Put #2 and #3 together = where we all start with this. Add a lil #1 in for flavor and battyness.

Shocking, right? Maybe we all need to

1. Chill the fuck out.

2. Self-reflect on what we want in life. And why we want those things. And what makes us happy.

3. Follow “I’m not ready” with some honest discussion about why not and what that might mean down the road.

4. If you really want a relationship WITH THIS PARTICULAR PERSON and they’re “not ready” – look at why they’re not ready and when/if that might change. And sometimes? That does mean the end of things. Sometimes? It doesn’t have to.

Look. If you KNOW you’re “not ready” and the other person is? But you like them and want to continue hanging out with them, you had better be honest with yourself and with them on your reasoning, and you had better start thinking about if you can remove the “not” from your statement. This isn’t just a woman’s issue of dealing with HIM being “not ready’ – it’s a man’s issue, too. What does “not ready” mean? Will it change and why or why not? Enough of just saying things and letting the conversation be over. Maybe a lil self-reflection on the dude’s part too – especially if he doesn’t want the “hanging out” to end. It’s not fair to make another person change shit for you. Relationships are about growing and compromising people. If you can’t? Move on.

And I think I am done now.
Nikki recently posted..Double duty!

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Skye Blue

Wow Nikki. I can always count on you for very thorough commentary. You truly rock girlie.

So my thoughts on your perspective? I agree with points one through four and your point that this is both a man’s and woman’s issue. IMO opinion every relationship issue is.

That said, in talking to my boys, who for the most part are men who are as HONEST as possible (right from the get go) about their intentions, a fair number of women (myself included at times) are unwilling/unable to/just plain not having the answers the men in question give to the question “What do you mean you’re not ready?”

Now, I’ll admit that not every man will be honest or clear when faced with a near hysterical woman and that very tough question, but in the cases when they are it seems communication breaks down despite their efforts. That’s the perspective from which I wrote this piece and the reason why I chose to pose the questions I did. However, in cases when the man involved is not offering up an explanation your questions re what not being ready means and if/when it will change are definitely important ones.

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NikkiB

Oh I totally feel you and maybe that wasn’t clear.

Women need to chill out and listen to others – don’t expect a new answer to a question you’ve already asked before. Just because you’re developing feelings doesn’t mean another person has to change their mind. They have already been honest with you – accept that and start there, instead of freakin’ out.

That said. If the dude doesn’t care one way or another if the relationship continues? The chick is obviously on another page and maybe this does need to end. If he DOES care and does want to keep hanging out, even if he can’t answer those questions? Then he is asking her to take some serious risk in “waiting” for him to figure his shit out. He should respect that, and realize that, if she can accept his honesty and his current mental situation, then he needs to accept the fact that she’s developing stronger feelings. If he cares about her, he should make an effort to figure his shit out, too.
NikkiB recently posted..Double duty!

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Thoughts Appear

Hey there! I’m new to your blog, and I’m loving it. Nikki over at Women Are From Mars pointed me in your direction.

My boyfriend and I have been doing the I’m-not-ready-dance for the last few months. Part of the reason it frustrates me is because I am ready…and I’m impatient. I can’t wait to read more of this series!
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Skye Blue

Thanks so much for stopping by (I’ll have to thank Nikki for directing you to us as well) and for the kind words.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the series and learn a thing or two as you read. In some case I think the comments on the posts in the series are more on point than the posts themselves – so make sure you read those too.

Enjoy!

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