February 9, 2011

A Guest Post by SKINNY DIP

The other night I was out for dinner with my friends Melissa and Casey. As we chowed down on Ethiopian food, the conversation inevitably turned to dating & relationships. Melissa started to tell us a story about a recent date she’d been on:

M: “We went out and had a good time, made out a bit…and then it took him a WEEK to call me!”

(Insert collective groans and shaking of heads here)

While my friend was telling her story, I couldn’t help but think “This all sounds strangely familiar.”

Once upon a time there was this guy, we’ll call him Mr. Nips. I liked him and I thought he liked me too. On a warm spring night, we decided to meet up for a drink. Over cheap martinis he laughed at my jokes while I played with my hair (a bad habit of mine whenever I’m flirting with someone). When my hand brushed the side of his hand, I felt an electric current run through my body. When it was time to leave the restaurant, he grabbed my hand & led me out onto the sidewalk. In front of the restaurant, he pulled me in close and kissed me gently. We remained lip-locked for the next 45 minutes. If you were a passenger on the East-bound streetcar that night, we were the dark haired couple making out like teenagers. When we got to the subway station, we started to kiss with more urgency. With my back pressed up against the wall of the station, he grabbed my ass. In turn, I pulled his body even closer to mine. When he slipped his free hand into my bra, my breath quickened. I nearly lost it, when there, in the semi-abandoned subway station, he bent down and kissed my left nipple. We continued to make out until he kissed me goodnight and hopped on the last train, leaving me on the subway platform flushed, breathless and with legs made of jelly.

The next day, still on a high from the steamy public transit make-out session, I sent him a brief message saying that I’d had a good time, referencing a silly inside joke from the night before. A day passed and no response. Six days later, I still hadn’t heard a word.

During the week that Mr. Nips went M.I.A, I turned into one-woman reality version of “He’s just not that into you”

Day 2 – Puzzled: Why hasn’t he contacted me? Did he not receive the message?

Day 3- Questioning: Maybe he’s not into me? But, who makes out with a girl like that if they aren’t into them? I’m confused.

Day 4 – Irrational Insecurity: Are my boobs not as awesome as I like to think they are?

Day 5 – Reality Check: this guy is lame.

Day 6 – Teetering between pissed off and indifferent: Fuck this. My boobs are awesome.

On day 7, Mr. Nips got in touch. He was friendly and flirtatious like nothing had happened. He even mentioned meeting up again.

HUH?!

I was flabbergasted.

****

Getting back to the dinner conversation – I turned to Casey and said:

“So, Casey as the resident Male at this table, please explain to us why it would take a guy 7 days to call a girl”

“Well, ladies – its like this”

Casey, being the artist that he is, grabbed his notebook and proceeded to draw the following chart.

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Players: These guys will call you within the first twenty-four hours because they want to be perceived as “guys who actually get it” so that you’ll sleep with them. They understand that time is booty. Waiting to call you only increases the time between when they hooked up with you initially and when they will potentially get in your pants again.

An Overly Needy Male (read: Stalker): This is the kind of guy who thinks he “gets it” but, clearly doesn’t. This guy will call you the next day and the next day and the next day, 18 times in a row. When you don’t call him back, he’ll leave tear stained messages on your voicemail complaining that the women in his life always treat him badly (true story)

A RARE GUY WHO ACTUALLY GETS IT: Women like to be called. If you’re interested in us, we want you to tell us…by calling. It’s pretty simple.

If a guy does not call right away, he falls in one of the following categories.

Playing by Idiotic rules: If I like you, I’ll call you. I rarely think about “rules” when it comes to dating. It wasn’t until I was in my campus bookstore and noticed a copy of How I Met Your Mother’s “Bro Code” book sitting on the same shelf as a book written by our Dean, that I realized maybe there are a lot of people taking advice from idiots. Sure, Barney scores a lot of chicks but he’s also convinced that Bob Barker is his Dad. Case and point.

Dumb/Socially Inept: Women like to feel special. We don’t like to feel like we’ve been victim to a drive-by make-out session/boob grab. By not calling us you’re not going to make us like you more. You’re just going to make us pissed off or lose interest.

He’s just not that into you: If you’re not into me, you’re not into me. I get it. If this is the case either man-up and let me know or, if this is too much for you just don’t EVER CALL AGAIN. I’ll get the hint.

I never got to the bottom of why it took Mr. Nips so long to call. I’m going to guess it was a little bit of all three scenarios. What’s important is that after this experience I came up with my own new rule to live by: if I don’t hear from a guy within 48 hours, I’ll assume he’s not interested and cut my losses. Also: no more make-out sessions in public transit facilities.

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