February 15, 2011
Readers, you are in for a treat.
You’re about to read the inaugural posts written by a collective known as The Insomnia Club: a new project we here at MetAnotherFrog.com are participating in, along with an ever growing gaggle of our truly fabulous blogging buds. Bloggers like…
Alex of the Urban Dater, AV Flox, Feisty Woman, Jess Downey, KB in NYC, Lena, Lucky Girl, ManShopper, Mike Masters, Miss Melisa Mae, Nikki B, Simone Grant, Miss Taylor Cast, Totally Tyler, and last but not least, the man who pulled us all together for this project, Mr. Jackie Summers,
Starting today, once a month The Insomnia Club will post their takes on one very juicy, thought-provoking and perhaps even naughty topic on their respective blogs. Our goal is to promote open dialogue on hot topics, while introducing our readership to new voices within the dating, sex and relationship blogging community.
So, just keep an eye out for the #insomniaclub hashtag on Twitter to catch all that we’ll be bringing today and in the months to come. It’s going to be a wild ride and we hope you all enjoy it.
So. What would I do if I found out my partner had a secret and active profile on an online dating site? Probably nothing. Okay, that’s not quite true. What I think I mean to say is that the key issue for me is not the existence of an active dating profile. The problem would be the sense of betrayal, the mistrust this profile would engender. Seriously. Who does that? Who creates or continues using an active profile while already in a committed relationship?
The insane? The selfish? The stupid? The masochist? The arrogant? The wounded? The insecure? Probably a combination of some or all of these things, plus maybe several things I didn’t mention. But who hasn’t been there, who hasn’t done something stupid and self destructive within a relationship out of fear, insecurity or anger? Hell, as far as I can tell, many if not most of the conflicts that arise within a relationship are directly related to fear, insecurity and anger. Many, if not all the pathologies that lay waste to relationships can be directly traced to those things.
Serial philanderer? Probably an insecure prick/bitch. Masochist? Could very well be wounded. Caught in bed with your sister? Or brother? Okay, well that’s just stupid. And flagrant. Probably selfish, arrogant, wounded…hell, it’s a bit of everything. It’s like hitting the relationship pathology Powerball. Except in reverse because no one wins. Anyway, my point is that if experience has taught me anything about relationships it is that the ones who hurt you the worst are always the ones you love the most. And they very rarely do so intentionally. Or rather the action isn’t the problem; it’s usually emblematic of something else, perhaps something deeper plaguing them or the relationship.
It’s for this reason that I’ve always told people that I don’t think your partner being unfaithful means you should end a relationship. To me, infidelity is usually a symptom, not the disease. I’m not saying you should stick around with someone who’s been unfaithful. I’m saying you should investigate the reasons for the infidelity before deciding a relationship is unsalvageable, especially if you claim to love them.
So. I find out my partner has an active profile on an online dating site. What do I do? Maybe I throw her computer/laptop/smart phone out the window. Maybe I yell. Maybe I create my own profile and contact her on a stealth tip to see what she does. Maybe I call her a f*cking selfish bitch. That one’s very possible because I love the f-word. In all likelihood I initiate a conversation. I ask the important questions. Then I take it from there.
Ladies and Gents, the question of the day is…
What would you do if I found out my partner had an active online dating account?
As it has yet to happen to me (as far as I know), I can flippantly say that I’d give him his walking papers in a flash. But as we all know when your heart is involved things are rarely that easy, and I imagine like many women (and men) before me I’d grapple with finding a way to forgive him and make things better for far too long before admitting to myself that I simply couldn’t trust someone who could deceive me like that. Still, as much as being involved in such a scenario would cut me to the quick, I’m not sure it would cause me to give up on online dating – even though the potential for infidelity online is something I often think about.
One of the things that makes me most unsettled about dating online is the possibility that someone I’m interested in dating and/or seeing could actually be attached. Why? Well, beyond all those stats that say 70% of the people on dating sites are attached/married (a la the shirtless “very fit fun classy” Craigslist philanderer and now former Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee – WTF was he thinking?) I have a strong suspicion that I’ve unwittingly been the other woman for at least one would be adulterous married man during my online dating career. Thankfully my spidey sense started tingling long before things got serious or horizontal.
Ashley Madison. Just one of the many sites catering the newly and perpetually unfaithful.
And beyond dealing with the prospect of being some wayward husband’s internet side piece, how about having to negotiate when to get rid of my dating profile and/or bring up a discussion about doing so with a new love interest? And how do you ever know for sure that the person you are now dating exclusively (you hope) has really (like for really real) gotten rid of their dating profile(s)? The internet is rife with dating sites to accommodate every demographic, fetish and budget; an individual profile can be changed in an instant; checked from virtually anywhere on the planet; and when it doubt, those choosing to step out on their partner can surf the web to receive guidance on how to cheat online – without getting caught – from any number of reliable sources.
The super paranoid part of me feels like I always have to be on guard and looking for clues of infidelity whether I’m happily attached or a soul mate seeking single. It’s a wonder any of us are on dating sites at all.
But then again, I guess that the continued popularity of online dating sites despite the high probability of infidelity and a host of other problems speaks to the perpetual optimism, need for love, and (perhaps most of all) unrelenting desire for extremely hot sex, all we humans seem to have, no?