Cheating in Cyberspace

Posted by: MetAnotherFrog Admin    Tags:  , , , ,     Posted date:  February 15, 2011  |  13 Comments


February 15, 2011


Readers, you are in for a treat.

You’re about to read the inaugural posts written by a collective known as The Insomnia Club: a new project we here at MetAnotherFrog.com are participating in, along with an ever growing gaggle of our truly fabulous blogging buds. Bloggers like…

Alex of the Urban Dater, AV FloxFeisty Woman, Jess Downey, KB in NYC, Lena, Lucky Girl, ManShopperMike Masters, Miss Melisa Mae, Nikki B, Simone Grant, Miss Taylor Cast, Totally Tyler, and last but not least, the man who pulled us all together for this project, Mr. Jackie Summers,

Starting today, once a month The Insomnia Club will post their takes on one very juicy, thought-provoking and perhaps even naughty topic on their respective blogs. Our goal is to promote open dialogue on hot topics, while introducing our readership to new voices within the dating, sex and relationship blogging community.

So, just keep an eye out for the #insomniaclub hashtag on Twitter to catch all that we’ll be bringing today and in the months to come. It’s going to be a wild ride and we hope you all enjoy it.

SB

SAM SHARPE

So. What would I do if I found out my partner had a secret and active profile on an online dating site? Probably nothing. Okay, that’s not quite true. What I think I mean to say is that the key issue for me is not the existence of an active dating profile. The problem would be the sense of betrayal, the mistrust this profile would engender. Seriously. Who does that? Who creates or continues using an active profile while already in a committed relationship?

"cheating heart"The insane? The selfish? The stupid? The masochist? The arrogant? The wounded? The insecure? Probably a combination of some or all of these things, plus maybe several things I didn’t mention. But who hasn’t been there, who hasn’t done something stupid and self destructive within a relationship out of fear, insecurity or anger? Hell, as far as I can tell, many if not most of the conflicts that arise within a relationship are directly related to fear, insecurity and anger. Many, if not all the pathologies that lay waste to relationships can be directly traced to those things.

Serial philanderer? Probably an insecure prick/bitch. Masochist? Could very well be wounded. Caught in bed with your sister? Or brother? Okay, well that’s just stupid. And flagrant. Probably selfish, arrogant, wounded…hell, it’s a bit of everything. It’s like hitting the relationship pathology Powerball. Except in reverse because no one wins. Anyway, my point is that if experience has taught me anything about relationships it is that the ones who hurt you the worst are always the ones you love the most. And they very rarely do so intentionally. Or rather the action isn’t the problem; it’s usually emblematic of something else, perhaps something deeper plaguing them or the relationship.

It’s for this reason that I’ve always told people that I don’t think your partner being unfaithful means you should end a relationship. To me, infidelity is usually a symptom, not the disease. I’m not saying you should stick around with someone who’s been unfaithful. I’m saying you should investigate the reasons for the infidelity before deciding a relationship is unsalvageable, especially if you claim to love them.

So. I find out my partner has an active profile on an online dating site. What do I do? Maybe I throw her computer/laptop/smart phone out the window. Maybe I yell. Maybe I create my own profile and contact her on a stealth tip to see what she does. Maybe I call her a f*cking selfish bitch. That one’s very possible because I love the f-word. In all likelihood I initiate a conversation. I ask the important questions. Then I take it from there.

SKYE BLUE

Ladies and Gents, the question of the day is…

What would you do if I found out my partner had an active online dating account?

As it has yet to happen to me (as far as I know), I can flippantly say that I’d give him his walking papers in a flash.  But as we all know when your heart is involved things are rarely that easy, and I imagine like many women (and men) before me I’d grapple with finding a way to forgive him and make things better for far too long before admitting to myself that I simply couldn’t trust someone who could deceive me like that. Still, as much as being involved in such a  scenario would cut me to the quick, I’m not sure it would cause me to give up on online dating – even though the potential for infidelity online is something I often think about.

One of the things that makes me most unsettled about dating online is the possibility that someone I’m interested in dating and/or seeing could actually be attached. Why? Well, beyond all those stats that say 70% of the people on dating sites are attached/married (a la the shirtless “very fit fun classy” Craigslist philanderer and now former Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee – WTF was he thinking?) I have a strong suspicion that I’ve unwittingly been the other woman for at least one would be adulterous married man during my online dating career. Thankfully my spidey sense started tingling long before things got serious or horizontal.

"life is short"

Ashley Madison. Just one of the many sites catering the newly and perpetually unfaithful.

And beyond dealing with the prospect of being some wayward husband’s internet side piece, how about having to negotiate when to get rid of my dating profile and/or bring up a discussion about doing so with a new love interest? And how do you ever know for sure that the person you are now dating exclusively (you hope) has really (like for really real) gotten rid of their dating profile(s)? The internet is rife with dating sites to accommodate every demographic, fetish and budget; an individual profile can be changed in an instant; checked from virtually anywhere on the planet; and when it doubt, those choosing to step out on their partner can surf the web to receive guidance on how to cheat online – without getting caught – from any number of reliable sources.

The super paranoid part of me feels like I always have to be on guard and looking for clues of infidelity whether I’m happily attached or a soul mate seeking single. It’s a wonder any of us are on dating sites at all.

Le sigh.

But then again, I guess that the continued popularity of online dating sites despite the high probability of infidelity and a host of other problems speaks to the perpetual optimism, need for love, and (perhaps most of all) unrelenting desire for extremely hot sex, all we humans seem to have, no?


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MetAnotherFrog Admin
Working hard behind the scenes to keep our main contributors in check, all our Guest Writers happy, and everything rolling along smoothly here at MetAnotherFrog.com.



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13 Comments for Cheating in Cyberspace

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jackie

@ Sam: infidelity is usually a symptom, not the disease. Truer words brethren, unfortunately by the time you discover cancer it’s probably already too late.
@ Skye: how do you ever know for sure? You ask, and hope you’re being told the truth. If not everything manifests in time. LeSigh indeed.

JFB

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FeistyWoman

It’s a tough pill to swallow, to see that your lover is seeking out other lovers on the web by way of dating sites, Craigslist, Ashleymadison.com, etc.

I had a friend whose man was looking for women in the casual encounters section on Craigslist. Not once, BUT TWICE. I don’t know why she stuck around after the first time she found out.

Jacks made a valid point to me earlier that people lie online and in person. Just that doing it online makes it a whole lot easier. I guess maybe we shouldn’t blame online dating then, instead blame the person. ;)
FeistyWoman recently posted..Online Dating Losers Who Keep You and Their Profiles

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Lucky Girl

Wow. Two wonderfully honest and provocative perspectives.
Sam, your position on infidelity is an evolved and enlightened one, and your love of the f-word is, in a word (or two), fucking fantastic.
Skye, I’m with Jack. It’s about communication. And not for nothing, but the same questions frequently need to be asked in relationships having nothing to do with the internet. Cheating existed long before it did. I for one trust your radar. It will tell you when you’re being lied to.

Great post!
xxoo
LG
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Alex

Damn, kid: “To me, infidelity is usually a symptom, not the disease.” That truth is so hard and just so… effing true. Damn.

@skye – To me, this is simply a barometer and serious gut check. When the heart is involved it clouds all that we do. Yet, simply having the profile isn’t enough to cut off a relationship. What do they do with it? Well, that’s sorta the key… Isn’t it?
Alex recently posted..Dressing for your date- The Jacket

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Harriet Bond

It’s so difficult on internet dating sites to tell who people really are, but I suppose if you are careful and look out for red flags when you are getting to know someone, it will be obvious to you if they are in a relationship already, and you can make a sharp exit before any real harm is done. It does seem incredible to me that people would be so barefaced, but I suppose I am lucky not to have encountered this in my personal life. I see it all the time in my professional life however, to know it does happen all the time (private investigation!)….
My current blog series is all about infidelity…. read the new episode today at http://www.harrietbond.com

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cleopatra05

When you’re on a serious relationship, you must take care of your partner because loving someone is hard to lose.
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Cynthia

You have a great post! Be ware of karma..
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Ann-ann

Cool, like what you said life is too short, so enjoy your life..
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Candy

It is not about TRUST. It is about RESPECT.

Dating site=venue to find a romantic date.

Exclusive relationship=monogamy/not dating anyone else.

Looking for friends?

Why go to a dating site to look for friends while monogamous? Look into a healthy interest group on meet up dot com or your local church, for example.

Looking for FRIENDS on a site dedicated to matching people up to DATE is opportunity to – Well, DATE.

Trust is believing in someone to treat you with respect. Going to a dating site is disrespectful to the one with whom you are monogamous.

If you want out or are thinking about it – get out before you are tempted to check things out.

Dating site=looking for a DATE.

RINSE. REPEAT.

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    Candy

    if you both MET utilizing an online dating service and have agreed to remove / hide the profiles while being monogamous.

    People can sugar coat it any way they prefer to be able to get past the reality. Telling themselves they TRUST their monogamous partner on a dating site. Has anyone said this out loud and heard the irony and stupidity of this allowance?

    There are sites to make friends, find romance, activity partners. A site dedicated to find a romantic partner for dating is specifically designed for that. A site geared for bowling teams is exactly for that. If you need to talk to friends why not use less inflammatory sites such as facebook?

    Unless the definition of respect and trust has been so diluted and watered down to mean this behavior is acceptable, there is no respect involved.

    If the one you love is feeding you these excuses and expects you to accept it, then it would be ridiculous to be surprised or hurt should they stray.

    It is paradoxical to think that being open minded and having trust equals anything goes. Next it will be a case of “they didn’t have sex. They just laid naked next to one another. I trust my partner.”

    It’s crap. If a person expects monogamy along with reliable (not presumed, tempted) trust, then don’t accept them playing with bait.

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jellyace5

Very informative blog, thanks for sharing this one.
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Charlie

for me the action isn’t the problem; it’s usually emblematic of something else, perhaps something deeper plaguing them or the relationship.
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nathan0506

A site dedicated to find a romantic partner for dating is specifically designed for that. A site geared for bowling teams is exactly for that. If you need to talk to friends why not use less inflammatory sites such as Facebook? | :P
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