March 2, 2011

A Guest Post by NIKKI

Careful when you open

It’s easy to be broken
In the strangest fashion
You start a chain reaction
When you look my way
Something’s pounding away
And I wonder if I ever felt this before

And all this time oblivious to what you make so obvious
I can’t believe I never noticed my heart before…

- “Noticed” by Mute Math

The first time I saw Kay, I… noticed her. Immediately. But everyone assumed we knew each other, so no one introduced us. That first night, we never even spoke.

She would tell me later that she literally could not talk to me. That all she did, as soon as I walked in the door, was pray that I was gay.

I wasn’t.

Once we finally did speak, we developed a close friendship. She also spent six months pushing me on the whole straight thing. I spent six months telling her no.

And then I gave an inch – because I could no longer ignore the way she made me feel. It was all downhill from there.

Every wonderful, amazing, heart-stopping thing you’ve ever wanted someone to tell you, Kay said to me. And I felt this unbelievable connection to her. I fully believed the only reason I was feeling this way about a girl was because, well…. maybe there is truth in fairy tales.

And, one night, words translated into an intense, insane, head-over-heels tumble into Kay’s bed.

And. I had a boyfriend.

I broke up with him the very next day, for reasons that had nothing to do with Kay. I also had my excuse for why I didn’t break up with him before I ended up with Kay’s face between my thighs.

But. That’s all those are – excuses. I am beyond lucky that this man, my ex, forgave me. That he still, to this day, cares more about me than Kay ever did. What mattered more to him is the pain Kay caused me.

I got exactly what I paid for: a year and a half of drama and heartache.

For my inability to keep it in my pants, to think about anyone but myself, to even consider consequences – I paid with my heart and my tears. With what felt like my very blood.

There is nothing, absolutely f*cking nothing, that is so good it justifies hurting the people that love you. That you love. Nothing.

That is my Reason Number One why I want a do-over for my first time with a girl. In addition, if I could lose my Same Sex Virginity again, I would have:

1. Had a Frank Conversation: I never once talked honestly with Kay about what the bullshit she was spewing might actually mean. What to expect from her. What she actually wanted. Granted, I’d bet she’d have been less than truthful, with me or herself, but putting her on the spot would have revealed cracks in the façade.

It was so easy to get caught up in this new, crazy thing, and forget that all relationships need clear, honest communication. Especially the ones that start out all crazy-like.

2. Acknowledged the Emotional Power of Sex: This can be true for ALL sex, but I think it’s especially true for any first-time sex that is way out of your comfort zone, be that gay sex or trans sex or BDSM sex, etc. For me? I was completely unprepared for the emotional fall-out.

I had no idea who I was any more, what the fact that I OMG-just-had-lesbian-sex! meant for ME. I literally felt like my world had been blown open wide. Like I couldn’t feel the floor, or where the boundaries were. Eventually, it would feel liberating… but even then it was so liberating it scared the mother-f*cking sh*t out of me.

3. Made Sure I Had a Support System: Kay didn’t think we should tell anyone (should have been a red flag). That was ok with me because I didn’t want my ex to get the wrong idea about why I broke up with him. So I didn’t – when what I needed more than anything were people around me who loved me and weren’t Kay. Thus, I added my own gallon of salt to my gapping wounds.

4. Remembered Actions Trump Words: Yes, Kay was telling me everything I didn’t know I wanted to hear. Yes, her words seemed to speak directly to my heart and how I was feeling. But. She said them with NO regard to the fact that I had a boyfriend. Someone who was a friend of hers. She disrespected him and my relationship. She didn’t care if he got hurt. Those actions should have yelled ten times louder than the syllables coming out of her mouth. What also should have been important? The fact that I forget all about him, too.

Do I regret having slept with Kay? No, I don’t. It fundamentally changed who I am and opened my world in ways I could never have fathomed previously.

It just came at a very high price – and part of it was for the things I should have done differently. These are the lessons I learned from one of my first times – and I hope they mean something for someone else.

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