Sometimes Silence is the Best Closure

Posted by: MetAnotherFrog Admin    Tags:  , , , , , ,     Posted date:  March 14, 2011  |  9 Comments

March 14, 2011

Guess what?

The ides of March are up on us and the Insomnia Club is back. This month we’re tackling a ‘touchy’ subject – The Fade.

For those of you who don’t already know, The Fade is a "Insomnia Club"term used to refer to the disappearing act (i.e. a slow-ish termination of all communication with an ‘unwitting’ bedmate) some people pull at the three month (give or take a few weeks) mark in the relationship when they’ve decided they’re ‘done’, for whatever reason. (Word on the street is that it’s usually men in budding ‘relationships’ who do this, but perhaps we just think it’s that way because women are more likely to kick up a fuss when it happens to them?)

Some folks consider this to be the only practical and truly ‘sensitive’ way to end a casual connection, while for others The Fade is an absolutely abhorrent and hurtful practice: which of course means that there’s likely to be some very interesting and divergent perspectives on this issue.

So, in addition to reading what Elizabeth and Sam have to say about The Fade, be sure to look out for the #InsomniaClub hashtag on twitter tomorrow, so you don’t miss out on anything the rest of our crew has to say on this issue.

Happy reading folks!



Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him. – Anon?

Break ups suck. No one enjoys them, there is something soul destroying about that final conversation.

"it's you"“It’s not me, it’s you.” (Or is that supposed to be the other way round…)

“I’m just not in the right place for a relationship right now.”

“Can we be friends?”

No amount of “closure” is going to help to deal with the reality that it’s over. No amount of tears, or cleavage is going to create something to rebuild your relationship. Which is why, so many of us avoid that final discussion by simply fading out.

Yes it’s cowardice, and yes it’s pretty unfair; but it also provides the same message that “it’s over” without having to slap someone in the face with it. You don’t hear from him in a few days… you know something is wrong. A couple of weeks and you know it’s over, but you’ve had 10+ days to come to terms with it. Plus, you’ve got all the comms out to your friends who are there to support you through the process.

The alternative? You can go for the corny, Hollywood break up scene. Lose your dignity and leave a public place crying and snivelling to make your way home while sobbing unintelligible nonsense into your friends’ voicemail.

You know that sounds all too familiar!

I’m not saying that just cutting off contact is an OK way to end ALL relationships. But for casual connections, ones only a few months in and where no future plans involving tickets or family have been made, it’s fine.



This one perplexed me at first. I didn’t quite understand why a man would pull a disappearing act. And I didn’t quite understand why it’s a big issue. More precisely, I didn’t understand why women were so worked up about it. I didn’t understand until I sat down to write why I didn’t understand. And then magically I understood the disappearing man. Here’s my thought process:

Okay. So you’ve been seeing someone. Or maybe just f*cking. It’s not serious. No commitments have been made. Repeated exposure to said person has led you to realize you’re no longer interested, or you’re not compatible. And maybe the reason is quite superficial or facile like you prefer big tits. Or they aren’t cute enough. Or they laugh like a hyena. Or maybe it’s more substantial like she’s not smart enough. So instead of telling her that you refuse to date someone who still wears a training bra or telling her she’s an intellectual midget you just disappear. Maybe you do it slowly but surely. Maybe you do it with Usain Bolt like quickness. Regardless how you do it, you do it. Disappear. Without as much as a peep.

Why? Why do this? Why not tell them something, anything? Why not just say something like “I don’t think we want the same things” or “I need to focus on_____________”. Those were my initial thoughts; I had a strong urge to exclaim:

“C’mon dude, man up and just be honest.”


“C’mon dude, man up and give her closure.”

"arguing couple"

This is what most of my break up 'closure' discussions look like. Please note the joyous expressions on their faces.

Hell that’s what I do (or did). And then I remembered real life, my real life experiences. The honest conversations where I express myself honestly only to be told that I honestly don’t know what the f*ck I’m talking about and I’m honestly just another a**hole man who’s too immature to know what he wants and if I were really honest with myself I’d see that the honest truth is that I’m afraid of love and even though I spoke what I thought was my truth when we first hooked up and I said I didn’t want anything serious God’s honest truth is that if I were really honest with myself I would see that even though I said those things my real feelings were expressed at night when we were f*cking. Honest.

That reads like nonsense doesn’t it? Especially that last part about honest feelings, especially when you consider we’re talking about relationships that weren’t all that serious to begin with, relationships that had yet to indicate they had staying power. How do I know that? Because people don’t pull a fade on something that was substantial. (Most) People just don’t up and disappear when there are or were plans, clothes left over or tickets to a Maxwell concert involved.

So though I’ve never done the fade, though I’m a huge proponent of being honest about my intentions as much as possible I’ve come to believe that pulling a fade can sometimes be the most prudent course of action. And ladies if you believe that in a situation like this a dude owes you some sort of closure that likely means you opened yourself up to a whole host of possibilities without consulting him. You alone opened that door. Don’t expect him to be there to close it for you.

Wanna see what the rest of The Insomnia Club has to say on this issue? Then check out the following links…

Feisty Woman, Lena FMJackie SummersJess Downey, Man Shopper Miss Melisa Mae, Miss Taylor Cast, Nikki B, Simone Grant, Single Much, Totally Tyler, and The Urban Dater.


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9 Comments for Sometimes Silence is the Best Closure


Great topic. And very interesting views from Elizabeth and Sam.

The fade is a tricky one. I don’t think it’s really been done to me in a way that I have been hurt and I’ve definitely not done that to anyone. I prefer to have an honest parting where both of us are clear that ‘this’ is not moving forward.

Having said that – I do recall one boyfriend in university – we started dating for about 2 months and then the Xmas holidays kicked in – we both left for our respective home countries and when we came back – we chatted but never hooked up again. That could have been the fade ? But it was a cool fade – it didn’t involve one of us blubbering to each other. Besides it was university – we both knew it was casual.

In some situations it might be best to pull the fade but I think that’s a bit unfair to the other person. Let them know you’re not interested. Sure like Sam says – you might be met by a brick wall that refuses to acknowledge your honesty – but at least you have a clear conscience. I’d prefer to get the chance to vent, get upset, over a break up so I know its’ really over … rather than just wonder ‘wtf just happened’ …
Dazediva recently posted..It’s Time for Steaks &amp Blow Jobs !

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As you can read in my post I am not a fan of the fade at all. But I really think that Sam makes an awesome point at the end ” And ladies if you believe that in a situation like this a dude owes you some sort of closure that likely means you opened yourself up to a whole host of possibilities without consulting him. You alone opened that door. Don’t expect him to be there to close it for you.”

I will personally admit that I never really thought about it like that. Perhaps we really do build things up in our minds. I am a big fan of closure but sometimes not saying anything really says it all. As in, it says there was really nothing there to begin with.

Awesome post guys!
Jessica recently posted..Why smart men date less intelligent women

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Hmmm… while I completely see the point about why The Fade may be a good idea… I still think, at the very least, sending the “let’s be friends” or “I’m just not into this” text is helpful as a sign “this is over” to keep the other person from wondering and allowing them to start processing – whatever that means to them.

Further, saying the Fade is helpful to avoid a big scene automatically assumes there were some serious feelings involved. Maybe you never had a conversation about them, or about where the conversation is going but… how often do we say “actions speak louder than words”? Why are their emotions involved? And, if their are, I believe we owe it to the other person to acknowledge those feelings and, if not be honest, at least be clear.

If there are no emotions – then a simple text should do it. We also shouldn’t assume we’re going to significantly injure the other person. Maybe we won’t. Maybe the “done” text is all you need, and you both move on. Seems like a better ending than being another Ghost Person.
NikkiB recently posted..Sex- honesty- and what happens when you can handle them both

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Part of the problem with honesty is, if all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail. No matter how much anyone asks for honesty, no one ever deals with it well.


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Da Fade, ladies and gentlemen. | Thank You For Your Sex™ - Lena.FM

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It’s true! Fading is often a prudent course of action, in the interests of both parties involved. I usually don’t mind being Faded because I haven’t yet been Faded by anyone that I cared enough about to dwell on things. I haven’t cared about them to want their honesty. Maybe this sounds cold-hearted?

However, I’ve decided not to initiate the Fade in the future. I don’t like having my time wasted while I’m trying to Fade someone. The repeated attempts at contact while I’m trying to Fade them? It irritates me and pricks at my conscience at the same time. I start feeling bad and begin to have second thoughts about my decision to fade. Second-guessing oneself is lethal!
Man-shopper recently posted..Ms Fading Failure

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Sam, you’re wrong. There are absolutely men who pull the fade on something that was subsantial. Absolutely. It just happened to me. HE initiated a conversation about marriage and moving in. HE spent alot of time telling me he loved. We were together for 5 months and were literally planning our summer vacation. And then a few hours before we had a date to a holiday party., he said he was having some family issues and needed time to think. He began being mean and cruel and eventually I never heard from him again. So Sam, please don’t assume women do this to themselves. That is not always the case. Some men string you along tell you they want a future with you and then bounce. And frankly I don’t thing the Fade is appropritae under ANY circumstances, but especially not under circumstances where you spent thanksgiving with me and my family, planned trips, weddings and a future with a woman. It’s beyond cruel. It’s beyond human.

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    Sam Sharpe

    Whether or not the Fade is appropriate under any circumstance is debatable. And maybe my perception is skewed because the men in my social circle would never pull a fade on a committed relationship. What cannot be debated is that this guy you speak of is an absolute douche. He is such a douche I feel like punching him in the teeth. And (I’m assuming) I don’t even know who he is. Thanks for the comment JEN.

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    Elizabeth Rose

    JEN – I’m with Sam on this one. You let us know how to track him and we’ll send the heavies round. That is beyond the Fade – it’s just cruel.
    It’s a cliche, but you are definitely better off without him. Here’s to wishing you much better luck with all things dating in the future xx

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