April 14, 2011

CHARLIE

Sweet Angie likes lifting her dress,

And removing her panties to press,

In a manner obscene

‘Gainst the washing machine

To relieve all her work-a-day stress

.

Masturbation as a stress reliever; though you may never have heard the limerick, I’m sure much like “Sweet Angie” you’ve enjoyed the benefits. For this instalment of full frontal nerdity, we are going to delve deep into the why’s, wherefores, and what-now of masturbation.

The US has a funny history with masturbation. Through the years several inventions have come about in hopes of preventing the practice. Graham crackers & Kellogg’s cornflakes were both popularised due to the belief they would prevent the urge to masturbate. It’s true. (It was also believed that men shouldn’t have sex before 30 and married couples should only have sex once every three years!) The cereal based foods were made without sugar or cinnamon originally, in the hopes that they and other plain tasting foods, would suppress such impulses.

A fact which is quite bizarre considering the fact that the the vibrator was invented around the same time, by American doctors treating “hysterical” women through the inducement of a “crisis” (i.e. manually stimulating the “hysteric” to orgasm). Since their hands, arms and wrists often tired long before the crisis occurred, the vibrator, originally powered by steam, was designed to replace the need for such exertions by the doctor.

Just to clear up some facts – masturbation has never been found to cause health problems. It does not cause you to go blind, it will not lower a man’s sperm count. (Although I do accept many teenage boys might find some strain on their wrist when they are in the “seven times a day” phase of puberty.)

Ultrasounds have actually shown fetuses touching their genitals while in the womb during the last trimester; and young children certainly do. Whether this is conscious and leading to orgasm is not something I found any studies around to prove or disprove. (This may have something to do with a lack of funding for studies around infant masturbation…)

There are lots of health benefits and several published papers linking masturbation to reduced risk of prostrate or breast cancer. In fact, as it causes a rush of hormones and blood to increase cell production, as well as stimulating endorphin production which allows a better oxygen metabolism – it could be hypothesised that masturbation may reduce cancer risks overall. (That should be a study which could get funding surely?! Although I imagine that drug companies may not want to prove that a vibrator or a tub of Vaseline is the cure for cancer…)

So do consider spending some “alone” time with yourself on a regular basis. It’s good for you! And since laughter is also therapeutic, I have included some gems from the online phenomenon of the “Mormon Masturbation Prevention Guide”, as well as the link for the complete source.

Enjoy!

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16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding. (Boy scout training in notes would come in useful I assume.)

17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement. (You are on MetAnotherFrog.com so you’ve failed here!)

18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases. (I don’t have one… do you think a copy of the latest Jamie Oliver cookbook would be as effective?)