ELIZABETH ROSE

In 1670 an act of parliament was passed in England that stated the following:

“Be it resolved that all women, of whatever age, rank, profession, or degree; whether virgin maids or widows; that shall after the passing of this act, impose upon and betray into matrimony any of His Majesty’s male subjects, by scents, paints, cosmetics, washes, artificial teeth, false hair, Spanish wool, iron stays, hoops, high-heeled shoes, or bolstered hips, shall incur the penalty of the laws now in force against witchcraft, sorcery, and such like misdemeanours, and that marriage, upon conviction, shall stand null and void.”

Beware gentlemen. Apparently not all witches are this easy to spot.

This brings up a number of items for further discussion…

Has this law ever been taken off the books? Or are perfume, make-up and Jimmy Choos still considered witchcraft?

What on earth happened to the chap who actually proposed this law? Was his first view of his new bride in the sunlight on the morn of his honeymoon so horrifying? Was the trauma he experienced so severe that it inspired him to start a crusade to prevent any other man falling prey to such “betrayal”? Was this a key part of his campaign for election to parliament? Did the last general election feature his slogan “She can change“?

If such things as perfume and make-up are such terrible devices, what would 17th century English politicians have made of a Wonderbra? Or Spanx? Would the wearing of such items been grounds to tie the offending woman to a stake and burn her.

What exactly is a bolstered hip?

The inclusion of “washes” concerns me. Is cleanliness not really next to godliness at all, but in fact a form of sorcery?

And finally, could this outdated English law be in any way applied to past colonies and rid me of shows like Jersey Shore, The Hills, Real Wives of OC, and all the rest of that crap in one swoop with a good old fashioned witch hunt?