June 5, 2011

SAM SHARPE

Embarrassing sex. Having seen my own sex faces on video, I’m inclined to think all sex is embarrassing to a certain extent. But I recognize that when folks discuss embarrassing sex they’re referring to those impossible to forget, laugh out loud hilarious, leave you ashamed/humiliated in equal measure sexcapades you’ll be reminiscing about when you’re dead married.

For men, embarrassing sex tends to mean ‘couldn’t get it up, came too fast, her mom/sister/brother saw my junk’ embarrassing. Though I once heard a story about a dude whose parents walked into the room while he was proving once and for all that he and not Oscar Wilde was the most cunning linguist. Apparently the girlfriend burst into tears.

Anyway, if you’ve been sexually active as long as I’ve been you’re bound to have your share of sexual mishaps, misfires and misfortunes.  And there’s very little that occurs in the boudoir that legitimately embarrasses me. Power failure? Meh, happens to everybody (now gentlemen, if this happens to you on a regular basis this is not only potentially embarrassing but also potentially a sign of health issues. You need to get this checked out). Premature ejaculation? Can’t remember the last time that happened to me but I’m sure it has and again as it’s not a regular feature of my life why should I get worked up about it. This is of course null and void in the case of a one-night stand or the first time with a new partner. Then I wouldn’t find that embarrassing, more like a full-blown catastrophe. As they say, you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

Farting while in the saddle? Naah, never happened to me but I’ve had two partners squeeze one out. Luckily for me neither one was particularly odourific so my nasal passages weren’t assaulted. And since “no harm no foul” is my standard operating procedure it was business of as usual for me. This alone might make me an expert on handling embarrassing situations in the boudoir. Here are a few tips for getting over any sex related embarrassments:

Been There Done That Bought The T-Shirt: Now, I don’t claim my lifestyle choices or my attitudes are superior to someone else’s…shit, who am I kidding, I absofuckinglutley believe my way of doing things is the right way. So, I don’t fully understand why a dude who can’t get it up or a woman who queefs responds as if they just shit the bed or something. Ladies, any man who makes you feel bad for the odd case of vaginal flatulence isn’t worth your time and surely doesn’t deserve an all expenses paid trip to Pussyville. We’re all adults. We’re doing adult things. Let’s be adults about it

An Ounce of Prevention: Misplaced dirty talk (a girl I know who shall remain nameless once told a man his penis was “cute”), calling the wrong name (I once told Andrea that her p***y felt so good. Unfortunately her name was Annette), whisky dick; these are common bedroom mishaps. They are also preventable. Dirty talk is like riding a motorcycle, not for everyone and should be handled with care. Use “babe” or “girl/boy” or some other term of endearment instead of using proper names. And whisky dick? Well, figure that one out for yourself.

Comedy Is Tragedy Plus Time: This really goes hand in hand with point one. But I find the best way to get over embarrassing sh** is to laugh it off. Yes, sex often has serious consequences but it’s also serious fun. The less seriously you take yourself the less likely you are to be embarrassed.

Cheers. And happy f***ing.

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