June 27, 2011

ELIZABETH ROSE

“You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions” – Naguib Mahfouz

We’ve all been enjoying a voyeuristic glimpse into others’ sexual mishaps and they do say confession is good for the soul. However, instead of confessing yet another cringe-worthy incident that occurred while I was naked – I am going to rant.

You see, as blush inducing as many past sexcapades have been, they occurred while I was getting laid, or after or just before. Call me old fashioned – but if it involves me having sex then it can’t really have been all that bad, since nine times out of ten I thoroughly enjoy having a man’s penis introduced to my cervix.

The moments that I look back on with bile or regret are those that  prevented mutual nudity. I was cataloguing some of these in order to regale you all with some of my missteps and I came across a pattern…

The common theme of much of my missed sexual opportunities is questions. Questions, questions, questions; asked of me during a date or pick up situation. Questions that when answered truthfully result in a retreat by lesser men. If they don’t want to know the answer, why ask the question?

Question: So when were you last on a date?

Truth according to ER: I don’t date if I can help it. I like to sleep around and dating takes up too much time.

Truth they want: I have been on one or two recently, I get asked out a lot but I’m quite shy so I don’t like to say yes unless I feel comfortable.

This demonstrates both your attractiveness to the opposite sex as well as your pure and unsullied nature.

Question: What is your usual type?

Truth according to ER: Erect & naked.

Truth they want: I tend to go for tall / short / athletic / pudgy / bald  (delete as appropriate for his key characteristics). But to be honest it’s more a nice smile and someone who makes me laugh that I find attractive.

Answering in this way indicates that you find them physically attractive, but you aren’t being completely shallow.

Question: Are you looking for a boyfriend or something casual?

Truth according to ER: I can’t tell you if you are a one night stand or an ongoing member of my harem until you’ve shown what you can deliver.

Truth they want: I’m really just going with the flow; I don’t like the idea of putting too much pressure on a new situation with high expectations so soon.

This prevents him from suspecting that you might be a bit slutty, and quells his fears about you having any bunny boiler tendencies.

If the questions start coming after a few drinks, you can expect to hear something like…

Question: When did you last get laid?

Truth according to ER: How long have we been here? An hour? I guess about two hours ago then.

Truth they want: [insert coquettish laugh] you are naughty asking that! I haven’t had a boyfriend in a few months, so a few months.

Once again, he is looking to figure out where you fall on the triple axis scale of “virgin bride – bunny boiler – slut”

Question: How many people have you slept with?

Answer: Fourteen

[That's neither truthful or what they want to hear. It's just the answer I always give]

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