August 7, 2011
A Guest Post by SIMONE
When Nikki B. asked me if I’d be interested in guest blogging for Met Another Frog’s Anything But Vanilla month, I instantly said,
Conveniently, my friend, Kosta, and I had just confirmed plans to tie me up. He offered after I had a not-so-fruitful fling with a potential mentor/fuck-buddy.
Needless to say, I was super excited about the tying up. I have been exploring my “kink” side for quite some time but, for the most part, it has remained only in my fantasies. Through many conversations, Kosta has worked out many of my “likes” and “dislikes” about those fantasies. He is a dear friend and part of the BDSM scene where we live, thus a perfect mentor. I trust him and we have an established, open, and honest dialogue.
Sadly, Kosta and his girlfriend (they are polyamorous) are in a rocky patch right now. He postponed our rendezvous – to focus on his relationship – just days after I agreed to do this post. I was disappointed, because I thought I’d have to reneg on my agreement. But then I thought about…
Well, we’ll call him Niles.
Niles and I have known each other going on four years, and though we’ve discussed sex (and sexted!) plenty (and regularly) during all that time…we’ve never actually FUCKED each other. In fact, it was only eight months ago that we first got completely naked together.
Fine, you say, you guys are slow movers, shy, or…maybe just inhibited?
My love of being manhandled...
Except he’s spanked the hell out of me. Multiple times. Too many times to count. So hard I hurt the next day. I’ve had bruises on my arms from his manhandling (all asked for and encouraged – don’t worry).
He’s smacked his dick on my face.
He’s called me every name in the book.
I’ve smacked him – HARD – in the face, spanked his ass, choked him, and egged him on. We’ve described all things we’d love to do to each other – explicitly.
But, I’ve never touched his dick when it’s been outside his pants; I’ve never seen him come; he’s never seen me come; and, most unbelievably for people…
We’ve never fucked. EVER.
I thought I’d made this very clear to my two closest friends with whom I share these escapades, but I was shocked to discover that one of them just assumed we had. “Why haven’t you?” he countered. “Spanking…that’s a step beyond…it comes after.”
And I thought about Niles.
At this point, our escapades – to me – seem “normal.” Sure I want to fuck his brains out, but I realize that’s not part of our standard operating procedure – at least not right now. I’m fine with that. The sessions Niles and I share are intimate in their own right, and we’ve built them according to our own rules.
But, in the brief moment of my friend’s disbelief I saw my encounters with Nile’s from an outsider’s perspective:
They are anything but vanilla.
Not just in terms of spanking and choking and dick-slapping and name-calling; but also in terms of the “emotional/relationship” agreement that we’ve established. In Vanilla Land, of course , the spanking would come after the sex (if there was spanking at all), because that’s the “normal” procedure.
Was my friend right? Was my sexual relationship with Niles ”fucked up” in some way? Were the comments I heard throughout the years of, “he doesn’t like you because he won’t fuck you!” (thank you He’s Just Not That Into You) true? I became insecure. I started to question this “standard operating procedure” that worked for so many years.
The answer I came up with is that what I said before stands.“The sessions [we] share are intimate in their own right, and we’ve built them according to our own rules.”
doesn't EVER stop me from takin' charge.
Those well-meaning advisers are right: Niles doesn’t “like me.” We aren’t “dating” and we likely never will. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect me immensely or enjoy my company.
I think Niles is an amazing man. But the epic-level obstacle course that would be committing to a relationship with him isn’t a game I want to play.
Furthermore, it doesn’t really matter to me if Niles and I have crazy amounts of sex or not. I anticipate our sexy-times eagerly as they are and they always give me little hard-ons for days afterward! Who doesn’t want that??
So, bring on the kink and let the naysayers say what they will. Niles and I do what we want, and this, to me, is all that matters in any sexual relationship (exempting abuse, of course): but particularly in a kinky relationship. Ultimately, all you need is the enthusiastic consent of those involved, not those who aren’t.
Standard operating procedures need not apply.