Full Frontal Nerdity, Vol. 15

Posted by: MetAnotherFrog Admin    Tags:  , , ,     Posted date:  August 18, 2011  |  No comment


August 18, 2011


CHARLIE

Kama Sutra, Part Two – Amorous Advances

Such treats as are only imagined by the very literate and very horny lie in wait for those of you who are willing to read the Kama Sutra instead of flipping through the pictures. Part Two has proven a treasure trove of tidbits and learning – I am in sex-nerd heaven with my unabridged translation.

We’ll cover off some of my favourite findings in the second part entitled Amorous Advances.

Key item 1 – Men and women can be categorised into three types based on the size of their sexual organs.

For men we have (in size ascending order):

Hare – with small feet & figure, gentle voice and a lively body

Bull – a thick neck, red palms and a nice round stomach

Stallion – Elongated ears, head & lips with heavy thighs and beautiful nails

The best match is for the relevant female equivalent:

Doe – Golden skin, beautiful hair and an “organ as cold as the ray of the moon”

Mare – Wide nostrils, knock-kneed and bilious temperament

Cow-elephant – Tall, reddish skin and “menses that smell like elephant’s sweat”

So all those folks who say you can tell by shoe size should have read up first on their ancient texts and they’d know to look for heavy thighs in a chap and a monthly odour of elephant’s sweat on a lady.

"kama sutra read"Key item 2 – We learn why a woman could possibly even want to have sex, as after all she doesn’t ejaculate and we know from part one that is the final goal of sex. Obvious, when you think about it

“Only friction with man’s penis calms the itching of the vulva”

So either a lot of ladies in the author’s time had crabs, or he is referring to the metaphorical “itch”.

Key item 3 – The “penis should not be introduced without preparation”. This refers to the preparing of the lady’s parts rather than a quick spit and polish of his member. The author of Rati Rahasya elaborates to say that a man must make a girl moist before making love (or boning for the more technical term). There are several specific parts to be caressed in order to awake the God of Love who chooses to dwell in them successively: the toe, the foot, the thigh, the navel, the breast, the armpit, the neck, the cheek, the lips, the eyes, the eye brows and the forehead.

Key item 4 – “Passion knows no rules, nor place, nor time.” This explains why I have to watch teenagers canoodling on the tube in London so often. It doesn’t make it acceptable though.

Key item 5 – Kissing a lady’s parts is conducted in Lata country, however in his commentary Vatsyayana states he doesn’t consider this a good reason for everyone to go down. (I think there are a couple of ladies on the Met Another Frog team who would like to strongly disagree with him.)

Key item 6 – There are several types of kissing described (the French definitely missed a trick only taking credit for one kind!). However, there is a style named the “box” which shouldn’t be performed if the man wears a moustache. (I’ll leave the details up to your imagination or further research…)

Key item 7 – Scratching is an art and should be studied and practised as such. Interestingly the aim is given to leave a mark of affection or trophy marks in the hope that in seeing them the lady will be reminded of the “lovemaking” and be enticed to repeat. That never worked for hickies though.

Key item 8 – Biting is another art which can follow kissing and scratching; however, one should be careful of local customs. For example, Aryan women (according to thesis) do not like injuries from nails or teeth.

Key item 9 – The chapter on copulation and special tastes covers off many of the positions made famous by the picture books we all know and love. What may be less well known is the condemnation of sexual acts performed immersed in water. This chapter also recommends studying animal and insect sex for new ideas. Trip to London Zoo?

Key item 10 – An entire chapter is dedicated to the art of pegging; except it is called “virile behaviour in women”. There are two ways outlined, one being with the gentleman’s agreement or “the second way consists of taking him by surprise”. Had they ever heard of lube? Or a courtesy heads up?! Finally, advice is offered that women who are pregnant, on their period or too big shouldn’t practice this “inversion of roles”. Fascinating.

Hopefully some or all of these items have proved interesting, if not stimulating. I was going to cover the next part on acquiring a wife this week, but I think this might be just about enough excitement for one post! I’ll cover off all the “wifey” parts together on acquiring, the roles of a wife and “other men’s wives”.

A final word in conclusion on our Amorous Advances:

“In love, not all kinds of action can be practised at all times with all women. In amorous practices, the man’s behaviour should take into account the place, the country and the moment.”

Wise words – but I might also add that in light of potential second-type virile behaviour one might also be well advised to keep your back to the wall.


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