September 1, 2011
Onwards and upwards into the Kama Sutra we delve.
This week we’re covering:
How to Acquire a Wife.
Useful learning and potentially the basis for eHarmony’s matching system…
Things to look for:
- Same Caste
- At least 3 years younger
- Both parents still living
- Interested in “domestic affairs” (I doubt that translates to bonking the servants…)
- Equal in status
Things to avoid:
- Missing teeth
- Constitutional disease
- Sleeps a lot
- Crys a lot
- Enjoys walking alone
- Seeming apathy to the marriage proceedings
- Clammy hands
- Breasts too big or yellowish hair (that counts out Heidi Montag)
- Named after a constellation or tree
Having found and married the young, virginal creature you have a task in hand to relax her. The texts provide further details on this, instructing a three night celibacy after marriage. This includes sleeping in the same bed, side by side and avoids salty or spicy food. Slightly different from modern day honeymoon plans.
The second chapter “How to Relax the Girl” actually provides a detailed set of instructions for each of the three nights in how far to push the caresses and to calm her. Based on the currently antics of reality TV stars in Jersey Shore, I am guessing this isn’t relevant today either…
Once the wife is acquired; our good book gives further instruction on the duties of a wife.
“The only wife is totally trusting, considering her husband as a god and completely devoted to him.”
I read this out to a pair of married friends. He looked hopefully to his spouse for her reaction, and she fell about laughing.
“She attends to cleaning the clothes, tidying the rooms, flower arrangements, cleaning the floor, being attractive to look at…”
At this point my friend’s wife was almost crying with laughter and he was a picture of unhappiness. To even up the balance, I moved onto the following verse:
“Because his wife is stupid, not serious-minded, or unable to have children due to barrenness, or simply because he wants a change, the hero wishes to remarry.”
At this point, my friend was laughing “change is a good thing” and his wife had taken the book to check the passage before using it as a weapon to hit me over the head with.
It seemed a good point to end as our next visit to the Kama Sutra is on “Other Men’s Wives” and “Courtesans”.