September 20, 2011

COCO LA CRÈME, Sex Educator

Hey CoCo,

My boyfriend and I are a pretty adventurous couple (we met at a wilderness survival camp) and we’ve decided to put our natural curiosity to good use in the bedroom. We’ve tried toys, edible lubes, blindfolds, feather ticklers…basically everything in the vanilla section of your average sex shop. We’ve realized through playing around that there’s a lot of stuff we like that…well, we never actually thought we’d like. This brings me in a roundabout way to my question. There is one taboo that is next on my list. I would love to stick something in my boyfriend’s butt. I’ve heard that it reduces men to quivering piles of jelly and since I kinda like being in charge this really appeals to me. My boyfriend has never shown any interest in this and usually completely ignores the Toys for Boys in the butt section of our local fun shop. How would you suggest I go about getting him to try this? Is there anything I should know about making it feel good?

Backdoor Explorer

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Hey Backdoor! Kudos to you for bringing your sense of adventure to your sex life. Our sexual psyches are really the ultimate wilderness which means that while you might discover something completely new and unexpected, you also really have no idea where the hell you’re going.

So ok, you want to stick something in your BF’s butt. First off, let’s please make sure that whatever goes up there is an actual butt toy from a sex shop. Using any old thing you have lying around – cell phone, carrot, light bulb – is likely to result in a trip to the emergency room where the love of your life will be forced to endure a rather embarrassing examination along with the barely contained laughter of every nurse doctor and EMT he encounters. Proper butt toys have a flared base to stop them from going up, up, up and away into the far reaches of your colon. Think I’m kidding? Ask anyone you know who works in a hospital and they’ll confirm it.  People will stick just about anything in their ass instead of – horrors! – walking into a sex shop to get the right equipment. Is that lazy or what? Well, bad decisions will always bite you in the ass in the end.

Now that we have that out of the way let’s focus on the biggest issue: getting his permission. It is generally considered bad form to stick something in someone’s butt without their enthusiastic consent.  To get your BF’s consent, Backdoor, you have to bring up the subject and talk it out. Let him know you’ll be patient and gentle. Tell him that it’s a private act and that no one needs to know but the two of you.  Make sure he understands that he will really, really enjoy it.

He may not realize that his external anus is the second most sensitive part of his genitals (the head of the penis is first). He also may not realize that his prostate – the small gland in male butts that makes assplay especially pleasurable for boys –is dense with nerve endings that will send his orgasm into the stratosphere.

Here’s how it works:  as he gets excited this busy little gland starts filling up with ejaculatory fluid. On its way out of the penis this fluid mixes with sperm from the testicles creating the splooge we all know and love. Many guys think all that fluid comes from their balls, Backdoor, but balls are just where sperm hang out; this is why guys who get a vasectomy are still able to ejaculate fun, sperm-free spunk.  Applying pressure to the prostate with a finger, toy, light bulb etc…has the double whammy effect of providing extra deep, internal sensation and physically increasing the force of ejaculation. And yes, it will reduce him to a quivering pile of jelly. Butt play will also improve his health. He’ll learn how to relax his muscles, strengthen his pelvic floor and it’s more likely that issues with the prostate, such as cancerous enlargement, will be caught early. These are all great reasons to explore the land down under!

If he’s still hesitant, then grab a book or DVD and read/watch them together. That way he’ll be sure that you’ve learned your technique and he’ll get to see some hot, straight couples getting busy with it.  Check out Anal Pleasure & Health by Jack Morin, it’s the absolute bible on anal play. Red Hot Touch, a book by erotic massage experts Jaiya and Jon Hanauer, will give you great tips on exactly where, when and how to touch him. And to really get in the mood watch the Expert’s Guide to Anal Pleasure for Men by anal expert Tristan Taormino, it’s filled with great info and features hot porn stars in amazing scenes that are guaranteed to pique his curiosity. If he’s too shy to walk up to the sales clerk at your local sex shop and plonk down a prostate toy then save him the hassle and purchase one on your own or shop together online.

When you do finally get down to business don’t place the emphasis on penetration. Go slow and use anal massage techniques, external vibration and analingus (a.k.a. butt licking or rimming) to help him relax and learn to eroticize his butt. This takes time. Asses are not generally trusting at first. When you do try penetration for the first time use a finger or a very small toy and make sure to use a lubricant.  Gradually as his butt learns to relax you may be able to stick larger toys in there if that’s your goal.

Wouldn’t it be fun to strap on a dildo and work his butt like it owes you money while he enthusiastically cries out for more? Yes, I thought you’d like that!

Take your time and eventually you’ll get there. Healthy anal sex should always be pain-free.  Sphincter muscles are powerful and when relaxed they can expand to accommodate large items, but, when they’re contracted anal entry will be painful and difficult. In other words:  Do your part, be prepared, and let your BF set the pace. As long as he can open his mind he’ll eventually be able to open his ass up as well.

Love CoCo,

P.S.  For all you ladies worried about your manicure, or um…exactly what an ass tastes like, never fear!  You can use gloves and finger cots to protect your hands and dental dams (oral sex barriers) to protect your taste buds. You can also tell your man to hop in the shower and stick a soapy finger up his butt.  Actually everyone should do this no matter their gender. If you want someone to spend their precious time taking you to taking you to the heights of ecstasy, then the least you can do is wash your ass ok?

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