March 27, 2012

JON PRESSICK

Getting snipped was the best decision I ever made. It also lead to one of my funniest stories. More on that in a minute.

As far as getting a vasectomy being a good lifestyle choice, I do need to put that into perspective. I was the ideal candidate to get the slice done. My ex and I had just had our second child. We were sure we didn’t want any more. I wasn’t questioned at all, like many single people are when they choose sterilization.

Even after our relationship broke up, I was still sure that I didn’t want any more children. People asked “Well, what happens if you meet someone and she doesn’t have any kids and wants one?” The answer to that would be that she’d be welcome to go find someone else. Funnily, it was rumoured that one relationship broke up because she wanted a kid and I said no. Oh my was that laughable. I hope she is never, ever a parent.

But now on to the truly funny story. In preparation for my vasectomy, I was told that someone would have to come and pick me up after the procedure, I wasn’t to drive myself. So, I asked my buddy to come get me.

Thing is, this dude can always get me. Like with jokes, zingers, ribs. ALWAYS. If he weren’t a good friend he’d totally be my nemesis. So, he agreed to pick me up and told me he’d take me to Canadian Tire so I still felt like a man afterwards.

The procedure itself started out poorly. The local anaesthetic hadn’t quite set in when the doctor used his scissors on my bag. After the worst 10 seconds of my life, full sedation was achieved and I didn’t feel anything else. Five minutes later, I’m waiting to leave.

The doctor told me my friend could come in the room and wait with me. I looked over and saw two noodle-like bits of my vas deferens in a bowl. Here was my chance to get him back!

When he came in the room, I couldn’t help but point out the formerly interior parts of my junk in the bowl. Didn’t even phase the fucker. How could it, the dude played in a band called Vas Deferens in high school!

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Are stigmas about fat really coming down? Curvy is a popular word of late to describe women who otherwise might be considered “average” size. There have also been significant campaigns to denounce the societal belief that any woman above a size two is overweight and undesirable.

Of course, we all know that is utter nonsense. Women of all shapes and sizes have been desired and lusted after. And if you’re someone who is hot for fat hotties, then here is the guide for you.

Complete with photos and recommended positions, you’re going to get a really good primer on some plump-lovin’. When I first came across the post, I honestly wondered “Well, how different can it be.” There’s my lack of knowledge coming out, as the women I’ve been with would all be considered “average” in size. There are definite considerations to take in when choosing how you and yours get it on.

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If you’re someone who dates women, how do you prefer her face to be? Okay, I’m not talking about “biting the pillow” or “in your lap.” I mean make up. Do you like a lady to be painted or plain?

Make up certainly has a long history and women (predominantly) have been getting all done up for centuries. One of the many reasons for this has been to attract a mate. Isn’t it funny that the human world is opposite to the animal world? There the males are all colourful and put on displays to attract a female. In our world, it is women who have been proscribed that duty.

Of course, there are many women who do not use make up, preferring natural looks. I’ll be honest, I love to see a woman made up on occasion, or with just a slight bit of accenting makeup. But most of the time, I like to see a person’s “true” face. However, there are many men and women who want and desire women who are all dolled up. In one of Rachel Kramer Bussel’s pieces, her suitor seemed to have a fetish for it.

While you have to be comfortable with it, I suppose that situation is much the same as being into leather, latex or any other body adornment. It turns you on, it gets you off. And that’s all fine as long as everyone is cool with it.

But makeup isn’t cool if it’s assumed women should where it. To go to work. To shop. Even playing sports. I watched a women’s MMA fight recently and the combatants were wearing makeup! That’s just ridiculous. Not that the sweaty, streaked mascara lines didn’t look hot, but that’s wasn’t the place for them.

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I often play a game with a friend. It came about after we saw a photography exhibition on fetish in Australia years ago. People allowed the artist to take shots of their fetishes and equipment, the most memorable of which was the guy who liked to get zipped up in a surfboard bag. After seeing that show, and knowing my friend is just quieter about sex stuff than me (ummm, who isn’t?) the game is that we walk down a street and I’ll suddenly tell him that a woman in that house over there is wearing a diaper, in an adult-sized crib and LOVING IT.

Obviously I never know what is going on in anyone’s home, but the point is we all have secret fantasies. And more often than not, we all have a secret fantasy that is really dirty.

Now, you may or may not act on these desires. Perhaps you just like to watch shit porn instead of playing with it. Perhaps you just keep rape fantasies in the spank bank for special moments alone. Or hell, maybe you do act on every spittin’, pissin’, degradin’ raunchin’ thing that crosses your mind. Whatever you do, do it with consent of all parties and you’re golden.

But the real question is: Do you discuss it? Do you talk about it at tea with your friends?

Talking about different sexual desires and needs is what gets activity accepted in society. Taboos get broken down. Sure, some acts will always have political implications, and how you choose to handle those implications is up to you. But if you can show that you like an activity and that it isn’t a problem…then maybe others will come out of their surfboard bags too.

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