April 19, 2012
So, raise your hand if you’ve ever thought about opening up your relationship…oh, okay, about half of you; that sounds about right I guess. Now, how many of you have actually had an open relationship? No one…really…you in the back, what say you? No, huh? Never? Out of the question you say? Hmmm.
Well, until I sat down to write my most recent missive I would have made the same claims. I too would have told the world that an open relationship was out of the question; because as far as I was concerned we weren’t in a relationship we were just f*ck buddies who happened to really dig each other and did things like cook for each other and go out together and celebrate birthdays and yes also sleep with other people…yeah, I know it sounds ridiculous and a close friend of mine used to always tell me our big problem was that we were in denial about the true nature of our relationship, that we were too committed to the idea of not being committed to realize we were actually really committed.
Regardless, that experience taught me a lot about myself; showed me what I could or couldn’t do within the confines of a relationship, showed me that in the right circumstance I could be fine with my partner having another sexual partner or partners. Now, I’m not saying I’m looking for an open relationship, nor am I saying it’s something I would do (again?). I’m just not willing to say it would never happen and I’m definitely not going to condemn those who do it. I guess I’m saying I’m open to the idea.
But you know what I couldn’t do? Polyamory.
It may sound weird to some of you, but I’m not emotionally equipped to share in that kind of way. See, theoretically speaking, I’m fine with the idea of another person buttering my lady’s “muffin” but I’m not fine with the idea of my lady actually buttering muffins for someone other than me; if you catch my drift. There’ll be no buttering of muffins. Breakfast time is for me and me alone. Hands off guys and gals. Get your own muffin butterer.
Here’s the thing about polyamory: I don’t know anyone who is polyamorous. Actually, I’m sure I do, but I don’t know anyone who’s open about their polyamory. As such, it seems like a whole new world. A new fantastic point of view. No one to tell you no. Or where to go. Or say you’re only dreaming.
You know what polyamorists (polyamorers? polyamorians?) need? An advocacy group. Wait, they’ve already got one. Okay. You know what else they need? Celebrities. Who’s more important than a celebrity? We follow their lead. We style our hair like them. Buy their books. Watch their movies. Support their sh*tty clothing lines. Live and die for their every breath. All we need is a high profile celebrity to come out as a polyamorist. Then it will be all the rage. All the kids will be doing it. The best thing since sliced bread they’ll say. And the rest of us will nod along in agreement, pretending we understand what in Voluptas‘ name is going on.
But seriously, have you checked out the list of notable and historic figures who have been polyamorous? No offence to Bertolt Brecht but this ain’t exactly the “A” list; I mean, it doesn’t exactly sizzle, like say, finding out that Brad, Angie and Kanye have been loving each other and that those “adopted” “African” children are really Kanye’s spawn. Shouldn’t TMZ be all over this?