CHARLIE

Here in the UK we are celebrating the Royal Jubilee as our beloved Betsy (a.k.a. Queen Elizabeth) has been on the throne a very long time indeed. To celebrate this, I have nothing whatsoever to say on the topic of royal scandals or traditions as I’m quite the monarchist and I have a lot of bunting to hang and cucumber sandwiches to make for the street party. So instead, I have a mash up of three of our earliest posts for Full Frontal Nerdity to give you all the very basics of an advanced sex education…

Here’s an interesting fact for those of you who missed it the first time round: all men produce sperm of three distinct types all aiming to perform a different function upon ejaculation? The theory is the proportions in each ejaculate are reliant on outside influences such as likelihood of the female partner having mated with another recently.

Bet they didn’t teach you that at school!

The first type I will mention act as “blockers”. These are sperm that are a bit lame, with funny shaped heads or squiffy tails. They will get as far as the cervix (the spongy entrance to the uterus) and then form a barrier by blocking the channels. This prevents another man’s sperm from a clear run into the womb.

The next type are the mean ones. They are the school yard bullies, these “killer” sperm. They patrol the uterus looking for another team’s players. (Sperm from another man that are identified by the different proteins on the head; much like the away team jerseys for sports.) If they find sperm from another man, they literally rip them apart. Thus protecting the passage through to the egg from any competition.

Finally, we get to the quarterback; the healthy, full complement of DNA, swift swimming egg getters who are out the gates and racing to the finish line to score that fertilisation.

But what about lady parts…?

We’re going to cover two topics, clitoral distance and ovulation. First off, let’s start with the more sensational topic of clitoral distance. You see, it is a proven theory that the distance of a women’s clitoral nub (that’s my personal technical term) to her vagina will affect her likelihood to orgasm from vaginal penetration.

You see, if a clitoris is close to the vagina, all those hidden bits are actually fairly close to the inner walls and the friction of intercourse is actually stimulating the clitoris as well. Leading to… a vaginal orgasm!

Interestingly, there are certain physical characteristics which are linked to clitoral distance. The taller the lady in question, the greater the gap between her nub and entry point and the less likely she is to experience a vaginal orgasm. Also breast size: big boobs equal a big gap, and less OOOOOH from penetrative sex.

This led me to my own hypothesis. The oft discussed G-spot may just exist, but only in some women, and it would more accurately be termed a C-spot as it’s really just the other bit of the clitoris. It also means that fellows who constantly claim to be handing out penetration only orgasms are probably having sex with either very good actresses, or short, flat chested girls.

One day I will get my grant to fund research and measure some lady gaps…

In the meantime, it’s just a hypothesis – but founded on good science which is more than some claims voiced on the topic!

The initial thinking and research was conducted by Princess Marie Bonaparte. She measured 243 women’s nether regions and asked each a detailed set of questions on their sexual responses. All this in 1924 – were it not for Freud’s later influence on her who knows how much further studies into female sexuality might have gone.

For more information on this fascinating and utterly eccentric woman; Celia Bertin’s 1982 work titled Marie Bonaparte: A Life is a grand place to start. Also you may be able to track down the original article published by Marie under the pen name A.E. Narjani for a European medical journal. The procedure she undertook to rearrange her lady bits is called “Halban-Narjani” and a surprising number of women undertook it in 1920s France. (Let’s be honest, one is a surprising number, more is simply astounding.)

Here's to having a C-V gap that falls short of the length of your thumb!

More recently an Emory University professor of behavioural neuroendocrinology has reviewed our Princess’ original study and is undertaking his own on “C-V” distance. I am waiting with baited breath for his publication of the results, but in the meantime I appreciated his “rule of thumb” witticism…

If the distance is less than the width of your thumb, you are more likely to come.

Another key source for much material we will discuss is Masters & Johnson’s Human Sexual Response published in 1966. (Also the year England won the football world cup – but that bears no relation to this or future posts. It’s just nice to remember past glories sometimes.)

And now swiftly onto ovulation: this is important for all you breeders and pleasure seekers alike.

You see, human females do not ovulate regularly.

They do not ovulate every menstrual cycle even.

The female reproductive system is as cunning as a fox. Ladies are capable of spontaneous ovulation, caused by outside stimuli (such as a really attractive  guy). Their funky hormones will also cause a sexy glow on ovulation making them appear more attractive to the opposite sex. Add to that the hormone spike causing her to behave unusually and you have a cause for a lot of surprise pregnancies all around the globe.

So there is no “safe part” of the cycle, ALWAYS use protection…

Here endeth this morning’s lesson.